I’ve been working in education and childcare, officially and unofficially, for the past twelve years. Aside from my personal love of books, it is what drove me to become a a youth services librarian. My interest and love for youth engagement and academic achievement is something that is behind most every decision and viewpoint that I have. Because of this, it is often even rougher to not be a parent. Rougher still when people make distinctions.
It is the conundrum of being Parental, but not a Parent.
In three different situations last week, I was faced with the sometimes blunt dismissal and division of the childless, child”free”, etc. I figured I should explore them. So here we go:
Scenario #1 – A family member discovered that her daughter’s private school financial aid is less than other students because she has no siblings. Now, if you’re like me, there’s a bit of that which actually makes sense to you. School is expensive, and it would seem more than reasonable to have some breaks for the parents who have to make that tuition payment for three kids over the parent who is only sending one. BUT, underneath the sympathy and understanding, for the parent who has that one child, it sounds downright unfair. Heightening the offense, was the fact that this is a family member who underwent IVF to even get this one child. With that part in the equation, it becomes truly bothersome to hear that because she “only” has that one child, she’s STILL somehow behind the curve.
Scenario #2 – My husband and I were discussing housework and being proactive about it. To be honest, I’m really just not that wife. I’m not that get up on Saturdays and wash the walls and storm windows, chick. Whatsoever. And I’m not alone in this, LOL. I have other friends with whom I’ve undergone long, freeing conversations about our mutual disdain for domestication. We laugh about it and move along. YET, in this particular conversation with my husband, as I brought up that very point, he countered me with something along the lines of, “well, [they’re] taking care of kids all day, I can see why [they] don’t have time to clean like that.”
{gasp!}
So,… I manage four Facebook pages, four Twitter accounts, four blogs, work a full-time job that is HEAVY on the programming, and tackle a few other miscellaneous tasks every day…but that means nothing in comparison to the person who has children? Am I to believe that because I’m at home working via the internet, and not changing diapers or chasing toddlers, I somehow have an extra 12 hours in my day? I found his comment more ridiculous than actually offensive, and after we discussed it, he could see where I was coming from (or at least knew how to placate the situation without coming away with a black eye).
Scenario #3
Ear hustling at work, I overheard a patron discussing how no one who hasn’t had a toddler themselves can tell her anything about her son.
Okay, aside from the fact that little Johnny was running amuck and damn sure was GOING to hear from me regardless of what she said, I was a bit unnerved by how easily that rolled off her tongue, and how I’d heard friends and family say similar things in the past without realizing how touchy that statement was. To further solidify that, I came home to see TWO friends with similar statements on their FB profiles. Knowing the people to whom they were referring, I shook my head and laughed it off, but later, I began to ponder.
Why should my having actually HAD children determine my qualification for making any statements towards parenting? I’ve worked with children for years but because I’ve never had a labor pain, I can’t tell you what I know about incentive charts? I’ve taken care of children from birth before, but because my stretch marks are not from pregnancy, I can’t dare tell you how to soothe a teething baby? Why?
Or is it that experience doesn’t count towards qualifications? Okay, so what about the child psychologist who doesn’t have any children of their own? Or the kindergarten teacher?
Let’s be clear here, I understand that usually when these statements are made, they are in response to a not-so-well-meaning person who said something out of turn. They can’t handle hearing a child cry, or talk too loud, so they rush over and try and tell that parent what they “should” be doing. Of course that’s going to result in hurt feelings and the resulting broad statements about who can and can’t comment on their parenting. I know that. I know that when they say these things, they generally aren’t referring to those of us who are childless by circumstance rather than choice. Yet, a part of me felt like in light of the other ways this week where my lack of children somehow lessened me, I felt the need to include it.
Exactly one year ago, I discussed the ways where those dealing with childlessness can be a bit too sensitive, so I am fully aware of how nitpicky this post may seem. BUT, that being said, I do want us also to remember that what I try and do here on The Egg is also make people more aware of things said and done that can be hurtful. Whether they were intentional or not.
Most of what I do for the children and parents in my life is to expound on the ways that they can be better educated and inspired. I want success for them, but I also want them to have more enjoyable opportunities for reaching that success. I want children to receive a full and special childhood that will make them a positive adult one day. Whether or not I have ever been a parent, should not take away from that, even if what I say hurts “mommy’s” feelings.
Work that I do for my home, should be measured in the value of what I give to my marriage, first, and everything else is secondary. My home may not be Suzy Homemaker’s, but I am an asset to this man and our marriage. Mother or not.
And finally, while we cannot change the individual policies of agencies and departments that make distinctions between families based on the number of children they have, I do want to say that no matter what the policies dictate, you and your ONE child family is just as valuable and special as the family of four.