Second (or fifth) Verse, Same as the First

I’ve decided to drink wine this evening.

Yellow Tail makes a charming Merlot.  A Merlot that has helped a bit.  I plan to be at ease by the time I reach the latter half of it.  Today warranted that sort of planning.

You see, basically, I got the same “news” today that I’ve gotten before:

Say it with me now: “There is NOTHING gynecologically wrong.”

Really?

Seriously?

Oh great!  I’ll be sure to inform the Walgreens cashiers, (who I’m sure know me by now), when I come in to buy my next pack of maxis.  They’ll be as glad as I am to hear that there’s no reason for the incessant hemorrhaging of blood and tears.

What makes me even more irritated than this stellar non-diagnosis is the fact that I had to hunt it down.  No one called to say, “hey let’s chat about these films”.  Nope, I had to call nearly a week later to say, “um, wtf?”

What the hell, you know?

To be clear, I didn’t want last week’s exploratory ultrasound to find anything “wrong”.  What I wanted it to find was “something to fix”.  I wanted there to be a reason.

There was no reason.  Don’t that just beat all!?

I’ve been regarding this year as a starting over point, so far.  I’ve come to recognize and accept the fact that due to financial, insurance, and personal setbacks my family building plan has taken a few unexpected dips and turns along the past few years.  Because of that, I’m okay with looking at this year as a ground zero of sorts.

I’ve moved into a much more aggressive (in my opinion), medical plan.  I have built my team and tried to be diligent about contact and follow-up with them.  I’ve been better with taking my meds and speaking up for myself.  Hell, I’ve been WALKING  the 40 minutes to work, to knock off the lbs.

Basically, I’ve been practicing what I preach, darn it!

So imagine my surprise when lo and behold the irregular periods returned. Fancy my confusion when there was no tidy box to place my troubles into.   I was convinced that the first doctors had missed something and that finally I had done enough things right that I would at the very least walk away with an idea of where to go next.

Wrong.

No answers so far.  Yet again.

I’m grateful that there was no terrible prognosis given to me, but if I’m being honest, I have to also say that I so wanted something to fix.

I can’t wrap my head around the feelings of “can’t anyone help me?”.  I have them all the time.  At the same time though, I don’t want to lose hope or momentum.

So…

all that being said, please excuse me while I pour another glass of wine.