Future Mommy Moments:The Librarian Note

In cleaning up my former life and the remnants of my defunct job, I happen upon some of the things that made me LOVE my “kids”. It is so funny to me how God finds a way to cheer up the aching heart at just the right moment. Thanks for this nugget.

Dear Mrs. T.,
I appreciate you so much that I was willing to give you this letter. You’re one of my heroes as a librarian and that makes you so special. I came up with the idea of writing you this letter. So here it goes:
There she goes walking around the school
Like a mother who just loves to read
Like a librarian should
She loves to read and loves to express herself
Who is this wonderful woman its Mrs. T
Love, LLC(Library Leadership Club)

Unemployment has put a rather nasty damper on the ttc outlook. While we are maintaining on the salary of my husband, it is drastic and devastating to no longer have the ability to “put money aside” for the nest. I don’t think as often about how much I want children, as I think about whether or not I can afford them. And feeling like this annoys me.

Aside from just being aggravating, it annoys me because I know that 16yr old TyKeesha up the street doesn’t worry about whether or not she can “afford” her second baby. She knows her mom and friends are gonna give her a baby shower anyway, and that she’ll get loads of baby Dereon outfits to keep her new addition warm. She doesn’t think as hard about what they are going eat, because her 5th period classmate Lafawnda has told her all about how to fill out the support applications.She’s not concerned about making the rent because she lives at home. And that sucks.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t some married, or even just adult women who don’t think as hard either, so don’t send me notes about teenage-pregnancy bashing, but it just seems like every year around this time, the amount of 15-20 year olds who just HAPPEN to be knocked up, grows larger and larger. Meanwhile, the number of women I know who haven’t been able to get pregnant, seems to be growing as well. I’m confused at which stats are getting higher than which.

It frustrates me to know that in all my planning, I’m left feeling like I’m in a worse position than the Oop’s Moms. My trying to do things “right”, and “in order”, or even just “according to plan”, has backfired on me, and I can’t seem to right it. Meanwhile, oops after oops happens with no thought, no plan, no preparation.

And here, I guess, is one of the frustrating tenets of infertility: There is no plan. You can even plan AROUND the non-plan and there still won’t be any guarantees on your outcomes. What a crock of b.s. this thing sometimes turns into. I know for me personally, it has really been a trying few months. I find myself often thinking that someone has apparently lied to me.

Some fool told me that if I went to school and did well, I would surely have a great career. Tell that to my almost complete Masters Degree and Unemployment claim. Some fool told me that if I fought for causes, those who understood, would support them. Tell that to the pulling of teeth I have to do to get my own FAMILY to support me in the March of Dimes, the Breast Cancer Walk, or even my own blog. Some fool beat it into my head that the worst thing on EARTH would have been to get pregnant before college, or before marriage…yet I seek answers while my nineteen year-old sister has an AMAZING three year old. What the smelly hell?

Somebody told me WRONG. Or at least it feels that way sometimes.

And as much as I want to shake it, I can’t seem to do that this week. This thing isn’t adding up. And in the year’s best irony moment, I have to say, I feel that I am the closest to an infertility breakthrough as I have been in three years,…and at that precise revelation…I lost my income. What gives?

But, don’t cry for me Argenfertile…I haven’t given up. My timeline has seemingly swerved, but I KNOW there must be some reason. The hardest thing about feeling the way that I do, is also knowing that I DO believe in those things. I DO believe that pursuing my education will land me in a great career. I DO believe that fighting for causes that I’m passionate about, while I may not SEE the results, are still worth the time and effort. I BELIEVE that I have planned my life in the way my God wanted me to. The moment I reached the point where my ideas and plans stopped mattering, was the moment He took over.
I believe that as sure as my name is Regina.

My wish for you, or anyone else who needs it, is that you find some part of this thing to keep believing in too.