Family Is Relative

So yesterday was Easter.

I have to admit something to you right out of the gate: I’d seen a few statuses by my other infertility advocate friends that said things like, “With Easter coming up, you may need support…” and I thought, “Why?  What does Easter have to do with infertility?”

Wow, was I in for a surprise.  First of all, I was completely unaware that similar to Christmas and Halloween, apparently people equate colorful eggs and pastel clothing to cute children, therefore making childless couples unimportant.  They almost look at you as though, “What do YOU want?  You brought us nothing(no one) to play with.”  Forget the whole, Jesus being raised from the dead aspect of the holiday, we’re obviously supposed to be raving about the frilly-ness of skirts and the adorableness of miniature 3-piece suits.

Once I got over that shock, I once again retreated into my happy ignorance.  I made it through the entire church service, with my goddaughter snuggled beside me, and shook those thoughts off.  It wasn’t until about an hour later when we stopped in for a visit at a relative’s house that I was snapped back into reality of people’s crazy commentary.

There we were, sitting comfortably, playing with our godchildren, when we recieved this nugget:

“So, I mean, what’s going on!  Y’all been married a while.  What’s up with the kid thing?”

*needle scratches across the record*

Darn it.  Here we go.

I’m careful to think back before I was aware of the real world of infertility and whether or not I said these kinds of things to people.   I try and be mindful of my own ignorance and make sure that I haven’t made anyone feel the way that I do when people say these things to me.  I also try and be honest with myself about what people’s intentions are.  Here’s my short-list of what they could possible be thinking:

• I think these two people would make great parents!
• I think these two people may not know its okay for them to get started on the kid thing.
• I think these two people are great with kids, I wonder if they’re scared to have kids?

But after I come up with these scenarios, I still shake my head.  Because if we’re gonna be real about things, then the truth should be said: WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS.  You STILL need to work harder at staying in your lane.  If you’re thinking “I think these guys would make great parents”, then say that.  Don’t say things like, “Why come yall ain’t had no kids”.  That is out of pocket.

While I was dressed in my Easter skivvies, I didn’t really feel like advocating so I threw out one of my standard responses.  Waiting on money, school is stressful, yadda yadda.  One of those usually ushers people along.  Her response to that was “Take your time.  There’s no rush.”  Which made me more annoyed because if you were just gonna tell me to relax ANYWAY, what was the point of your probe?

*cleansing breath*

Thinking about this interaction for the next hour after it had occurred, seriously got my wheels turning about how totally ridiculous people are in terms of childless couples.  How is seeing my husband and I happy together not enough?  Why do people assume that couples need children to make themselves a “real” family?

No one goes up to a person with six kids and says, “SO, this has GOT to be stressful, when are you guys gonna get started on that divorce?”

No one goes up to a person who’s widowed and says, “Well think of it this way, now you get to spend time doing things YOU want to do without worrying about someone else!”

No one goes up to unmarried people and says, “Gosh, when are you gonna stop being selfish and get married so you can be a real person!”  At least not since 1956, I hope.

Why do people use care and tact for almost every other scenario besides childlessness? Is it because it doesn’t occur to them that some people may actually enjoy their family of 2?  Or is it because they don’t think of infertility as a disease?

To be fair, nobody also says, “So…I hear you got that full-blown infertility.  Damn, that sucks”.   And actually, according to this study, people have been less inclined to assume childless couples are less than families in the past ten years. So they have an inkling of common sense, I suppose.  But what I really wish is that more people took the time to recognize the fact that “family” is relative.  What looks lonely to you, is probably the most fun-filled relationship you’ve ever seen.  What seems like a couple who need children, could be a couple who love the freedom they have.    More importantly, what looks like a deliberate choice, could very well be a medical situation that is none of your business.  Your definition of family is not necessarily mine, but respect is universal!

This being my first post of National Infertility Awareness Week 2011, I think its fitting that this is one of the “myths” I’m choosing to burst.  The next time someone asks you when you’re planning to “start your family”, be my guest and let them know that your family started on the day you were born when you became part of this huge world full of people.  Tell them that it gets a little larger with every true friend you gain.  Tell them that your spouse/partner is the family you chose to live with for now, and most importantly, tell them that building on it any further, is totally your decision, and your personal business.

And if none of that works and you’re in the mood to just be snarky like me, feel free to just flat-out ask them if they’re renting out wombs or offering semen samples.  I’m sure that will shut them up as well. LOL

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Don’t forget, it is NIAW!  Get involved!