So, I was in prayer for our sisters in Japan when the FedFX guy interrupted by banging on my office door. I knew it was him, I was expecting him. But I had forgotten that I was expecting him. He was there to give me a rush delivery of Repronex injections. By the time I got to the door I was loaded with guilt and sadness, because of the prayers that I’d just finished.
I was sad because I was praying for the mothers of Japan, and for children that have been sperated from their families by the tsunami and terrible circumstances facing them right now. I’m praying that God will have mercy on them, and that the weather will permit them to continue their search and rescue efforts. The pictures of the young mothers and young babies is tearing me up right now.
I’ve realized in the past few days that we “infertiles” are different from the rest of the world.
We have what a lot of people in this world are lacking right now; depth and compassion. We know through our struggle what those faces mean, and we can feel the hurt in the pictures. We know what we have put on the line for our future sons and daughters. The nausea, the cold sweats and hot flashes, and even the daydreaming about cribs and nurseries. From the days of risking your career for the appointments that could one day make your boss fed up with you, and the visits to the pharmacy where the personnel know you by name, we have vision, and we see the big picture. We know that these chances we take are worth it to achieve motherhood.
When I think of myself as an infertile woman, I think: Blessed! I am honored to be among such strong women. We are strong and we know what it takes. We are the type of women that don’t accept life’s “NO’s”. If we were we wouldn’t be on this journey. We are chasing after that one little peice of life that thinks that it’s going to get away from us. We are willing to chase him or her down, because we know his or her name…already. We aren’t going to just let it go, like the world thinks we should.
We know these chances are ours for the taking. We know that this struggle of seeking life is worth it even for those of us who it seems can’t try …because of their struggles with various cancers or debilitating diseases. We know we are blesssed beyond measure to afford (or make a way to afford) treatments that are not covered by most insurances…in a reccession.
When I think about my situations and fight with infertility I still feel blessed because God’s word tells us that we are “Chosen for such a time as this”. That there is no woman who can play this role better than you or I, fellow infertile. And with that said, somewhere within my blessed feelings, I can’t help but feel thankful yet guilty.
Thankful because, even though this is my struggle…the tsunami situation is not. (Glory to God!)
Guilty because I know that somewhere in the rubble and debris may have been the dreams of other women who anxiously awaited the packages of vials that contain the life-altering chances at human life. And somewhere in that group there was success. And somewhere in those successes, amongst tsunami rubble, is a mother who is now desperate to get the baby she worked so hard for, to safety. I’m praying for those who are in the same stages of their fertility journey as I am, that may now have radiation threatening to expose all of her hard work to harm. It’s scary.
Now that we are down to the wire on my situation, it makes me think of how fortunate I really am to be here “in such a time as this”. In a time where we are able to see the power of the earth and how fragile life is.
I had an appointment Tuesday, that gave me great news and the rays of hope I desperately needed and I reccently started the dreaded injections. I was terribly scared to start said injections. I could never imagine giving myself injections in the stomach everyday for five says, but I’m on day 4. God is good, because this clearly lets me know that I’m not where I used to be. I have made progress. And when I went to my appointment at the fertility center I was told that said injections are not only working, but that I have developed folicles.
Now, if you’d asked me 6 months ago what the fuss with these folicles was, I would have told you, “I have no clue”. But now I know that the folicles burst and eggs come out. So these folicles are really…in my opinion…WHAT I HAVE BEEN AFTER! Everything has led up to this. This next time I’m intimate with my husband could be it. I have never been this close before and I am thrilled.
It has opened my eyes to new thoughts and the possibility of new situations. Including, how all of my hard work and dreams could have been lost in a tsunami like those other women. And because of that, although I am happy, I am also quite sad. I feel so close to life now, and watching as the drama overseas unfolds, just breaks my heart.
I am remembering the mothers of Haiti, the mothers of Japan, and so many other mother hopefuls whose dreams have been attacked by fate, in my prayers.