Decisions and Pathways

It’s been so long since I’ve had a plan, that I’m not even sure how to execute one anymore. LOL

I believe I’ve come to an actual decision about where to go from here.  My mind was jumbled and it was leading me down that dark alleyway we call depression.  Anyone who has stepped foot into the IF arena knows that depression is counterproductive to say the least. In trying to find solutions to the brain-cloud that was following me around, I decided that I need to be as organized and color-coded as a kindergarten teacher!  The way I see it, being on top of my demands will help clear my head of clutter.  So that’s my plan.

Anybody else have to treat themselves like a 4 yr-old to get things done?  Anybody?  Anybody? Bueller?

Okay FINE, so it’s just me!?

Whatever.  You guys are gonna admit it when you leave.  I know you will.

Anyway, my first step on this path has been to get extremely familiar with my Google Calendar.  She and I have spent so much time that I might even name her. LBVS(laughing but very serious) The first thing I did was to divide all my work and assignments by color so that I can tell at a quick glance what is due.  School, home, and all my little extra-curriculars all got their own color.  I then made certain parts of the calendar viewable by my husband or people I need to work with.  This way, I won’t feel so out of sorts when something pops up unexpectedly.  Why?  Because this way,  nothing WILL pop up unexpectedly.  (without heads rolling, that is.)

Secondly,  we have decided to give things a good old “natural” try before any more doctors.  Finances aside, I truly believe that wherever we go at this point, they are going to tell us the same starter points we’ve already realized.  Lose weight, eat better, exercise.  No $20 copay needs to tell you that.  And if it does, you’re worse off than we thought.  If you notice, this blog does not have that flashy timeline of treatments and diagnostics rolling down the side that is featured on so many other IF blogs.  That is not by accident.

While I advocate and push for people to know their options, the fact of the matter is that for some of us, we’d rather not actually use them.   And that is okay too.  Some women feel that there’s a side of them that really does wish things would “just happen”, or that they’ll finally figure out what to do to naturally make it all better.  I’m one of those people.  I’ll admit it.   More importantly, though,  I feel like I owe it to myself to at least give myself an actual try and honestly attempt the weight-loss for success thing that I’ve heard so much about.  I’ve been so depressed and annoyed at it all, that the idea of it totally pissed me off.   I have to be a grown-up about it and realize the necessities, though.

A friend asked recently if my stagnation has come from a fear of actually becoming pregnant.  The answer was/is no.  What I will admit however, is that I have struggled for a long time with some strange form of a self-esteem issue concerning motherhood.  I don’t really see myself that way.  Never actually have I guess.  Pregnancy and the attention that would come along with it, unnerves me.  I don’t really understand it.

If I were to try and self-diagnose, I would equate it to those same feelings of the fear of being “that black chick“.  There is a mental stigma which I think I developed from years of being told that pregnancy was a bad thing. Now that I am in a position where it isn’t, I still have a hard time shaking those feelings.  Lately, the more I think about my thought-process, the more I believe I need therapy. LOL

What has been my greatest downfall so far has been feeling overwhelmed.  The stress is something that I hope will subside a bit once May arrives and graduation takes place.  Hopefully that will loosen my collar a bit and allow me to get a greater handle on my path.  This is also something I’m hoping that my overworked Google Calendar will help me with, LOL.

A full-fledged assault on my body(and his), is the last attempt that we’ll make in this natural journey.  It has been a long one, with many false-starts, but things are looking up.