So, I belong to the best online community in the world, ChocolateBrides.com(stop on by, we’d love to have you). CB is the place where I learned how common this battle truly is and have received more support and information than I even think I was ready to get. Recently, there was a discussion titled “For IVF and Alternative Reproductive Moms: Will you Tell? Would you Tell?” What an interesting topic. And some very interesting responses came about. I tried to grab the most poignant, but man, they were all really great….
*********************************************************************************
1. So lately I have been thinking a lot what I want to tell my child about me, life, everything including his/her creation. I wonder though if telling the child about IVF and all that I went through to get him/her will freak him/her out! So for mom’s who had children via IVF or some other alternative reproductive method not involving sex to create the baby – will you tell?
I knew a little about IVF before it was my only option but when I started researching I was fascinated. For real. I felt like I picked the wrong career!! To be able to actually see your child as an embryo prior to implantation is a miracle! And to know I have others already created and waiting for me to be a parent… Amazing. But, at the same time… it’s less than normal. Not everyone can handle it. My mother and MIL both know what we went through. My mother, as my best friend and being open-minded had to know. My MIL is a nurse so I knew she would not be freaked…. But others… the comments you hear and thoughts people have. I know a few folk on CB had to use other methods and their friends and family don’t know.
So anyway – this discussion is totally not limited to mothers who experienced it alone – it is open to others thoughts but I just wonder how I would feel if one day my mom told me that I was a product of sperm and egg in a dish. I think life is beautiful no matter how created but should it be discussed with the child?
2.See the biggest issue I had with IVF was the “cloud” over it. At times it was hard to get information or share experiences with “regular” folk because no one talks about it. I am glad I had someone to talk to but it is like walking on egg shells where as other mothers can freely talk about ANYTHING. Part of the problem is that it is seen as a tough discussion and I wonder if exposing children to it and preparing the next generation makes things easier. Fact is – more women go through this than we think. It is amazing that on the rare times I would tell someone they would either say – me too or I know someone that….
I guess I am thinking about breaking down the walls but don’t want to do that at the risk of heavy discussion…
3. I wouldnt tell my child about my struggle. It doesn’t make a difference.
4. Being on CB really helped take some of the taboo away from the topic. I know when I first started on clomid not alot of people were talking about it on here but now I see so many women like me online. There are so many of us who have issues with our reproductive systems that I think having a forum like this definitely breaks down those walls.
I really think talking to both our sons (even though they may not be interested) and daughters is important because our sons will become husbands who may have to go through the process with their wives. They should hear about the experience from their dads prospective so they will know how to be that support to their wives.
I think you as the parent will know when the time is right to discuss the process with your child.
5.
IUI Mommy checking in and I plan to tell mydaughter about the entire journey once she’s old enough to understand. I’ve created so many journals just for her to really see what was going through my mind and heart and prayerfully she will see this journey as the glorious miracle I do. At the end of the day, no matter which route we take God’s decision is final and I bask in that knowledge.
Now as for telling other folks, if they ask I don’t have a problem sitting down at the round table and schooling them. Quite frankly, I think that’s part of God’s purpose for my life and I marvel at just who approaches me about the topic unhindered and I know that isn’t by coincidence.
I have family members I haven’t told and just recently shared some of the journey with my sil. I am selective about who I have discussions with because it’s not about being entertained or pitying me, but about sharing information that might be a helpful and hopeful option for another woman who found themselves on an unexpected journey.
I confess that the people who do know are still surprised, shocked even. When they know of ALL that goes into this “production of life” :rofl2: they calmly remark “I don’t think I could have handled all that” and I smile and think, yup that’s why God chose me and keep it moving.
At the end of the day, I look into my daughter’s eyes, hear her laughter, watch her tilt her head and rapid fire a dozen or more questions at me and think “this is what it was all about”.
6. Again, not that my clomid experience is anything near IUI or IVF, but I found out just recently (last week) that my aunt and mother are annovulatory also and I was really upset because had I known that it woudl have saved so much time and heartache with thinking something was “wrong” with me. I also know that hyperovulation and non-ovulation are sometimes genetic (same way that twins run in the family, infertility can) so for that purpose maybe later in life towards the teen years it would be good to discuss this with your children.
But I will preface that by saying when I was telling my husband how I wished I had known he did mention that that might have been seen as a “natural birth control” toward me and I might have been very irresponsible. However, the difference between annovulation and the other issues that bring about IUI and IVF is that I do ovulate from time to time (1 or 2 times per year) and this means I could get pregant without “trying” if I hit the right day (hence, my 12 year old) So I would see how mature your child is but definitely talk to your daughter before she has to God forbid go through the struggle you have endured without knowing you can understand and give advice.
7. No doubt about it… I would tell my child. I think I would make sure that my child is mature enough to process the info. before I told. I think
The only difference is mechanics here, really. NonIVF and some IVF babies are babies conceived from their parents sperm and eggs. It’s really just the mechanics of getting that sperm and egg together. Will my child be crushed for life that Mommy’s eggs and Daddy’s sperm were reunited in a dish and not in drunken sex or on some seriously special romantic night or just whatever? Probably not. Not to undermine any other person’s moment of conception, but that same love and passion existed when that child was put in that dish. I’d love to say it may have had a bit more passion just not in the same sense.
When I feel my little one has the emotional readiness to process the fact that she’s an IVF baby, I would tell him/her of all the sacrifice and prayer and fight Mommy and Daddy went through for that little special one. I may not know what my child’s reaction will be. I know this much, she’ll know that went through this experience because they loved him/her that much and wanted her in their lives.
Even if my child’s reaction was negative, the strength gained from that experience will never die. That strength will be there to help me cope with it. When we make the decision to undergo IVF or any assisted procedure, we go in it with the gusto. Not for one second will I undermine that I have the strength to deal with the negative reaction.
I often think that if anything, the child will probably think often about all it took to get him/her here. What a special child he/she is, huh?
WITHOUT A DOUBT… I WOULD TELL!
8.
Re. tellling other people… I told all of CB and some close friends, but I didn’t tell my mom and my sisters. My Mom had health issues, we had lost our father, and I felt UTTERLY selfish drowning them in what could have been more sorrow! When we went for my daughter’s 1 year checkup, my husband said without thinking “REMEMBER WHEN THEY SAID YOU COULDN’T HAVE ANY KIDS”. I looked straight at my Mom and her expression cannot be described in words. I knew then and there it was best I didn’t tell. She had this look of PAIN and said “no woman should ever hear those words. they are the worst thing to hear”. She looked at me (again, can’t describe), but her words were enough and she turned to my daughter and said… I prayed for her before she was conceived AND I KNOW MY GOD’S PROMISES ARE BETTER THAN ANY DOCTOR’S WORDS. I knew then where I had gotten the strength to go through IVF. I didn’t need to bog them down.
We’ve talked about it since then and I sense her fear for me in the future… but I remind her that been there, done that… got the strength of my Momma. I’ll be alright.
There’s a time to tell and there are some who can’t handle the info. Doesn’t stop your journey one way or the other.9.
I think that a child should know, I mean why not, not telling your child would almost seem as though you are ashamed in my opinion. A child, boy or girl, needs to know that life is precious and should not be taken for granted. The ability to be able to conceive a child is nothing short of a miracle, despite the fact that so many people make it look easier than making a PB and J.
Sons and daughters should both know the situation. It may help them to have a little more compassion for others knowing that everything is not easy for everyone. And the last time I checked, infertility was not just a woman’s issue so why should a son not be told the struggles of having a child. The issue could very well lie with him. I have heard of instances where a man did not want to be with a woman because she “could not give him children”, but who is to say that it was not the other way around. Men account for a greater percentage of infertility issues than most people are aware of.
A child is a blessing no matter how he or she got here and there should be no secret to that fact.10. You would be shocked at what you hear and how uncommon folks really think it is. I am telling you – the things people have said. And not to sound elitist but I will – being a doctor and being in a more educated environment you might find this more common but since I started TTC I have heard the following in conversations with me or in passing (they had no idea what I was going through):
– If you have to go through IVF maybe you are not supposed to have kids – natural selection
– You don’t need that – just go get a good scrape and you’ll be fine :blink:
– That is sick – not what God intended
– It’s like Frankenstein
Not making this up – have heard these during the past two years. Now, that is no reason to not talk to my child within the parameters as you discussed but I want to address what my concerns are because not everyone is as sophisticated and openminded as you and others. I am amazed. People don’t know. that is what they think it is. being that most of my family members are overly fertile they don’t understand why I just don’t have sex and get it over with (words from Granny). I told my grandmother that it is not that easy for some of us and we have to try other ways. I let her know I went through IVF. She “understood” and since then our relationship has been the BEST it has been in years. We did not have much of a relationship but since I confided in her and CORRECTED her… we are closer.
**********************************************************************************
So, would you tell? Would you enlighten your child to how devastatingly they were wanted and prayed for? Would you share with them how intensely you went about planning for them and medicating yourself and how bravely you went about pursuing them? I would. And I thank the women of ChocolateBrides.com for giving me some of that courage.