Who I am and Who Infertility has Tried to Make Me

The most important thing for infertility right now, is putting a face on it.  Which ipso-facto,   makes advocacy the most important thing for infertility right now.  However, as I’m sure you will learn as you step out of the gate, importance does nothing to diminish difficulty.
I’ve struggled with churning out a couple of blog posts this week.  Primarily because I’m fighting from two sides of this coin.  The advocate in me wishes to press thrrough it all and keep fighting for others to “get it”.  I want for people to keep having those “Oh…I didn’t…I didn’t know,” moments because they change the world.  Those moments create the change we need in this community.

So what do I do?

I try to remind myself that the bigger issue is more important than my personal battle, and on the days where it just isn’t, I take a break.
I am in a constant fight with who I am, and who this condition has tried to make me.

I believe myself to be capable of anything, yet this one thing has proven to be something I can’t do.

I am beautiful…I’m sure of it.

Yet this thing makes me feel unattractive and unnecessary.

And I can’t seem to shake that sometimes.

Infertility has robbed me of my ability to plan my life.  It has taken away my right to decide when and how I’d like to start my family.  It has stolen years from me, and caused me to lose track of my goals and the order in which I wanted them completed.  It has taken away my right to feel “normal”.  My modesty, dignity, privacy…all stolen.  And no matter how much I rationalize it and remind myself that I’m being proactive rather than speculated…it still feels like I’ve been robbed.

Who do you call when your dignity is stolen?  Where do you report missing You-ness?

There are so many parts of this fight that have nothing to do with babies at all.  This is why I find it astounding that there aren’t more people ready to rally around the fact that infertility is an emotional and psychological issue as well as a physical one.  There are so many thoughts and ideas that seem to care less about my everyday life.  In many ways, infertility in the body leads to a feeling of impotence in other areas.  There are some days where giving birth to a complete sentence is more draining than I remembered.  Days where I can barely keep my thoughts in order, let alone cycles.  And those days lead to doubt.
I doubt that I’m intelligent enough to understand these terms and medical phrases that are a part of life now.
I doubt that I have the willpower to embark on food and fitness choices that will help.
I doubt that any of this is doing more than opening myself up to more wounds and opportunities for words to attack me.
I doubt I have the ability to be anyone’s friend, not to mention, wife or mother.

Remaining steadfast when all you want to do is crawl inside yourself and wilt, is the underbelly to this entire beast.   These plagues of inadequacies and trips into our own minds are to be expected.   These feelings are common, I’m learning.  But I promise not to give in to them,…if you won’t.