Walking on Eggshells….

Can we talk?

This weekend was rough.
Is there such a thing as ttc loneliness?  The longing for an heir, a mini-me, a piece of wonder to share all your “mommy thoughts” with,…can that feeling cause a different kind of loneliness?  If it can, then that’s what this weekend was like.  Sometimes, being the aunt and the godmother is not enough to squash that feeling of utter parental uselessness. 

My hope dwindles a little more each day, with terror on the homefront, and no change in the ovaries,…but there is still a small flicker that will not go out.  No matter how I prepare myself for it to extinguish, it refuses to completely dwindle.  Every time I bring myself to buy into the “it wouldn’t be fair to bring a new life into a world that is struggling”,…it flickers a little in my chest but doesn’t go out. 

My niece turned three this weekend.  She has been my absolute world since October 3, 2006.  She is absolutely amazing to me.

I also had my goddaughter Israel this weekend.  She was placed in my care at two days old, by an on-again/off-again “mother” who now has a newborn and hasn’t yet come to fully claim this dazzling  6yr old.  But I digress.  We set out this weekend to conquer Build a Bear and the Disney Store.  I have to admit I was excited.  More excited, I think, than they were.  I took Israel when she was 2, and now to take Karla was going to be like the formation of a tradition, taking my girls to Build a Bear and being there when they create their new friends.

We built quite the snazzy bear, and I believe the girls had a good time.  But there was a pain in my heart.  Kind of the crying/smiling, raining with the sun shining sadness.  I was happy to have a girls day with them, and to enjoy their funny way of playing and arguing with each other.  But I was sad because they could have cared less that it was me who planned the day.  I’m sure that’s probably not the case, and my feelings may be causing me to exaggerate, but bear with me.  At the end of two days, I had spent over $100 on these little girls.  But it hit me, when it was time to leave the mall, that they weren’t my little girls.

I felt like I had borrowed someone else’s princesses for the day.

And that thought, in and of itself, sent sharp pains up through my fingers and toes.
This is not a pity post, but an honesty one.  And I feel comfortable in this little space of mine to honestly say,…I’ve tired of the godmommy/auntie role.  I’d like someone of my own to share these amazing days with. Knowing that, I doubt this flicker will ever cease.  I guess I better trim this wick.