I’ve been her a lot.
In fact, MOST of my friends have had their experiences being “that” black girl before.
THAT black girl is the stereotypical chick. The neck-rollin, lip-smackin, “GIRRL, LET ME TELL YOU”, chick. We avoid her at all costs.
The Sheneneh, the Mammy, the Sapphire…we work hard at not being her. We cringe when she speaks out in class, and we disassociate ourselves from her the minute she answers the teachers question with a loud lip-smack. The instant she shows up to the job with that neck-rolling, hands-on-hips attitude…we take a trip to the ladies room. We work hard at making sure we aren’t linked to her in any way.
I was thinking about this anxiety last week. This fear of being labeled, or of becoming our stereotype has probably been a major part of many issues that are attacking us on the other end.
My brother is fifteen years younger than I am. That much of an age difference leads to a more guardian-like relationship than just sibling. When he was a baby, he spent a lot of time with me while my mother worked. At first, I was more than comfortable with showing off my shiny new baby brother, and took him with me everywhere. Then it started to dawn on me how we appeared to others. I realized that the people in the mall or in the neighborhood who looked at me with curiosity, were assuming that he was my son. This bothered me more than you know. I didn’t like the feeling of having complete strangers judging me as “that black teen”. The one who barely made it out of school before she started on baby #1. In my mind it wasn’t enough that this was untrue, I was annoyed that it was even a thought in their minds. I would go so far as to make mention of “his mother” if someone was in earshot while staring. I know, pathetic.
I would venture to say that phobias like that one, grow with you as I have more than one friend in my adult life who is uncomfortable being out with their children if they’ve forgotten their wedding ring at home. None of them wants to be “that black chick” with the brood who’s climbing all over the store with no father in sight. The single mama stereotype is one that we have also grown to hate.
Now, I do want people to know that many black women seek to achieve great things in their lives and set many personal goals for themselves. This is something I don’t want to make light of. However, I also believe there is much to be said against those of us who set these goals primarily for the sake of avoiding the myths/stereotypes.
Those of us who push our way through school just because the stereotype says we won’t get there. Those of us who practice serial monogamy just because the stereotype portrays us as bed-hopping. And most importantly, those of us who hold off on babies in exchange for careers, because we don’t wish to succumb to the myth of Big Mama. That black chick has done nothing to preserve her fertility. She assumes it is already overused.
One of the largest hurdles for African Americans dealing with infertility to overcome, is the myth that we are super-fertile “earth mama” types. That very idea is one closely tied to the Mammy/Sapphire stereotypes. It is also one that is believed by people both inside and outside of our cultural community. Just as much as we don’t want strangers believing these things about us, we also must fight to keep our own families and community from thinking the same thing.
It’s a slippery slope we’re on.
Some of the comments I’ve had from Black women regarding The Egg:
“Ooh girl, I don’t need to hear nothin with the words fertile or reproduce in the same sentence!”
“LOL Aren’t we just about fertile enough?”
Misguided and rude, these comments are not uncommon. Which leads me to the danger of this all; we’ve begun believing our own myths. We have begun to believe that all it takes is for someone to breathe on us in tenth grade, for us to get pregnant, so we try and wait a bit longer before even discussing children and marriage. We’ve started to believe that only white women go to (or have money for), fertility clinics, so we don’t even look into them. We are under-represented in the infertility community but over-represented in the reproductive justice aka abortion groups. And THIS, is what I think makes this liable for infertility and has caused this great chasm of silence about it.
In waiting later to have babies, or even think of our future fertility, we are increasing our incidences of fertility complications. By fighting so hard to not become the teen mom, we avoid the issue of our fertility, period. In fact, we avoid every conversation that will require a closer look at the stereotypes we are running from.
That black chick, and the image of her has not only made us an after-thought in the support and awareness arenas, thereby limiting our resources, but she has also made us ignorant to the epidemics that plague us. We have to work harder at removing the stigmas that our own race has put on fertility discussions and activism.
That experience you had with your brother was me and my niece. I’m 14 years older than her and I always wondered if people thought she was my daughter. And as she got older she’d called me “mom” just to bother me while we were out. I never wanted to be that young, unwed mother and I never gave fertility a thought. I always just assumed that everyone was fertile. It wasn’t until I got pregnant last year that I wondered about the timing. We’ve been together for 10 years and were unprotected before marriage but never had a pregnancy. Were we lucky all that time? Are there hidden issues that we’ll have to face when we try for #2? So many questions are going through my head now.
I don’t want you to worry Raven, but I DO like that you’re now curious about it! Even though you’ve already had your adorable little one, think about getting a fertility workup. Just to make sure you are ovulating and things like that.
We all have taken fertility for granted in this culture. Hopefully we’ll start changing that.
My sister was married at 19 and had her first child at 21. When people learned of her wedding, the all asked when she was due! She refused to attend anything child related -not even doctor’s appointments- without her husband because of how people treated her.
Ain’t that crazy! It kills me how in all of people’s assumptions, they never ASSUME that someone young is interested in love and marriage just for the sake of being interested in love and marriage. I can’t believe we’re at the point now in life that people will more readily accept a 19 yr. old pregnancy than a 19 yr. old marriage.
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Mrs tiye,
I had no clue, that this was an issue among black women. I was under all the same stereotypical assumptions. I found myself staring at the scrolling pictures of the celebs. I was blown back. I’m going to make sure this gets read.
Thanks for visiting, Marcus. It is always humbling to realize the larger scope of things. Thanks for spreading the word. Come back soon!
I’m mad just reading this post because I remember the comments, etc. that I received about why I was battling infertility and why I lost my baby. STIGMAS have to be removed for infertility because it is a reality in our community. We need to empower ourselves with education, discussion, and support. Some days, I want to wear a tshirt that says “I am the face of infertility… Not what you would expect, huh?”
Wey….I’m tempted to go design that shirt for you.
As one of the people who helped ME understand a lot more about infertility, I’m glad to see you visit! Empowerment is the very thing. People tend to not understand how getting informed is the key to preventing most of our issues. Hopefully, we’re getting a little better at it every day.
Nombre de thebrokenbrownegg.org a GoogleReader!
Gracias
Bottomless
Mrs. Tiye, Amen.
Thanks for visiting Dee!
A few short months ago, my Grandmother decided it was time to give me a good talking to about having children. Grandma started the conversation started like this: When are you going to stop being selfish and settle down and have a family? Haven’t you had enough me time?
I won’t even go into idea of family vs. children (I was happily single when this conversation took place), but I will say, I can’t tell you how much it hurt me that my GRANDMOTHER of all people just assumed that I didn’t have children because I was too selfish. It never crossed here mind that I didn’t have children because I couldn’t…thanks for this too!
Wow.
Isn’t it crazy? The myth and misconception of the selfish, arrogant black woman who refuses to have kids, is another one that we fight. So many of our elders, because I’ve learned these things were kept quiet in their day, have no patience or understanding for the woman over 35 with no children. It’s such a narrow gap too, they will press “keeping our legs shut”, until we’re about 21, then we’re supposed to mad dash into wife and motherhood. We soo have to start changing these misconceptions, even if it means re-educating our “mothers”.
This post is oh so real. I was very much one of those women that tried to do everything “right” and when I started trying to conceive, I realize that it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. 2 years later and I’m still trying, I try to tell my friends to not take fertility as a given because all this time we spend doing it “right” doesn’t mean that our reproductive health is on the same schedule.
Thanks for coming through! YES, trying to talk to friends about the issues they think they’ll never have is a feat in and of itself. Now that I know the issues are more prevalent than once thought,…I doubt I’ll ever shut up about it.
My Mom actually made me wear her wedding band while I was pregnant. :o/
*DEAD* Are you serious!!
Wow, loved it! I remember the day I decided not to tell my family back home(in NY) that I was ttc. I knew if it took long, like it is now, I would be looked at in a funny/crazy way. So being that I haven’t ever brought it up, my grandmother also had a talk with me. She said “when you gonna have some kids!” and I said well Nana, I been doing what I should be doing, but it’s not happening as easy for me(I have 4 other cousins and a half sister who all had kids young and I’m the oldest grandchild so….)She says, after encouraging me to see the dr, “well please hurry and have at least one before i check outta here”. The pressure!! But to a woman having had 8 children and a lot of grands and greatgrands, the infertility thing is probably quite boggling, and disturbing to her, at least the way she looked when I was telling her my issue indicated that.
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