So…
This will be one of those TMI, tell-all posts.
Let me give a couple of you some time to clear the room if that’s not what you’re here for…
There now,
So, I’m annoyed and confused today.
Purpose of D&C & hysteroscopy – To diagnose and stop irregular bleeding
Result of D&C – 9 days more of irregular bleeding.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
Be patient, Regina! That’s completely normal! These things take time… blah, blah, blah.
But let me hip you to something I’ve been keeping silent for a while out of embarrassment, frustration, and a self-destructive need to make sure no one sees the kinks in my armor:
Out of the past 90 days, I have bled in some form or fashion for a total of 67.
SIXTY-F@#%-SEVEN.
I have bled longer than Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada were married.
If I bleed another 6 days, I will have also outlasted the nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries.
In the time that I’ve bled, cats, armadillos, bobcats, mice, rabbits, some dog breeds, and many other animal species have fully gestated.
Are you seeing why I’m pissed? Just a bit?
I’ve taken Estrogen supplements, Glucophage, Birth Control Pills, Thyroid meds…and yet nothing.
I’ve purchased approximately EIGHT boxes of Always…each with 32 pads included.
There’s these special packs of Always pads that come with free Modeez Sanitary packs… Yeah, I got FOUR Modeez now.
I’m tired of being tough.
I’m tired of being resilient.
I’m tired of acting like I’m not feeling like I’m literally bleeding to death.
I’m tired of nurses saying, “Yes, but are you bleeding through more than one pad in an hour”, in condescending tones.
I’m tired of feeling eeks and squeaks whenever I sneeze, or stand up too fast, or at random times while sitting absolutely still.
I’m tired of EVERY television show, magazine, book, and conversation being about sex and babies….to point out that I can have neither.
I’m tired of looking at my husband and HATING that he deserves better that what I am capable of providing at the moment because I’m depressed, and infertile, and uncomfortable, and hormonal.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m wearing a diaper every day.
I’m tired of being angry.
I’m tired of being sad.
I’m tired of being told to pray.
I’m just tired.
And I felt it necessary to say that today.
Out loud for a change.
Because who am I helping with this website that I’m paying for, if I don’t tell it all? Especially since that’s what I started the site for. And how am I even helping ME, if I’m not using this website that I’m paying for, as my venting space. And what more damage will I do to myself if I don’t shout?
I called my doctor today. Because once again I felt that I’d reached my breaking point. I was told that this is normal. This post-op “spotting” as they call it. And I don’t know, maybe under different circumstances I’d be okay with that answer. Maybe if I hadn’t already been experiencing it for the past 60+ days then I could not feel so defeated when the nurse once again tells me that “if it isn’t bleeding through one pad in an hour, I can just wait until my follow-up appointment next THURSDAY”.
Next Thursday.
Next Thursday is 5 days, 127 hours, 7628 minutes, 457706 seconds, and another 30 Always pads away.
At this point in my life, next Thursday is practically a year from now.
And I have lots of curse words floating around in my head to punctuate my feelings about that.
I just don’t understand any of this.
I wish I had some sort of advice or recommendation for you. The best I can offer is a heartfelt I’m sorry and I hope it stops soon.
I guess I have just started to be sad. I have had crying spells for the past few days as I have come to really realize the fact that I may not have children- ever. I also have PCOS and am experimenting with different treatments for it. I had a hysteroscopy and D&C a few years ago but a lot of the PCOS symptoms remain aside from the weight gain. I am glad however to see more people with PCOS and the associated conditions with it starting to get more attention.
I had to check your name and bio at the bottom because I was expecting to see myself there. I feel like I could have written this post last year and the year before that. I won’t go into the gory details, but this is one of those times that I can say to someone, “I KNOW how you feel.” Seriously, if one more nurse had asked me that question, you would’ve seen me on somebody’s front page in handcuffs, charged with blowing up my gyn’s office. Seriously. Whoosah. I want to tell you that it gets better (and this year has been better), but I always feel like that is the worst thing to say to someone in this situation. I will just say this, know that you aren’t alone and thank you for saying what we all want to say. (and it will get better. I couldn’t resist).
Thank you! I just learned about your site from an article in March’s issue of Essence magazine, and I’m thrilled to see that the first blog I read pretty much said everything I have been holding inside for so long. I will be 36 this summer, 3 years into my marriage in April and emotionally drained from my issues. My older and younger sisters both have a child, which leaves me to ask “why me?” I try to be happy for co-workers and friends when they announce their pregnancies but deep down I am throwing the worst tantrum ever. How do I make a baby when I’m bleeding all the time? AND during my off time, I’m so anxious because of all the stress I go through during; making sure my clothes is not soiled, seats are good, I’m fresh (can never be without my Always wipes to go). I’m so sick and tired of hearing “you need to relax and not think about it” and “your time will come……it’s just not your time yet”. I’m just over it already. I find myself quietly sobbing myself to sleep most nights or tearing up in the restroom at work. I try to be strong for everyone around me when what I really want is to cry. Cry and tell someone how I REALLY feel without them giving me advice. Anyway, thank you for being so brutally honest for us all.
Not African-American, long past reproducing. Admiring you strength, honesty and writing talent. You are held in my heart.
Bev, this comment made my day. THANK YOU.