Selfishness, Grief and the Freedom to Mourn

I am so often amazed at how writers neglect the opportunities to truly expound on those things that are running rampant and un-adressed in real homes. They get so near to the breakthrough and then back away as though repelled.  This was the situation when I viewed Why Did I Get Married Too, this past weekend.

I would hate to spoil the film for anyone still planning to see it, so if you fall into that category, I’ll be here when you get back.  But if you have either already seen it or have no desire to, then please allow me to get out my thoughts.

In both the original and sequel, there were recurring subjects whichtouched my heart deeply as a person directly involved in the community of family planning and I have to say, I truly left each film feeling some kind of way about my brothers.  I was saddened at some of the hints of honesty Mr. Perry trickled into the script, but also angered at a few of the allusions and stereotypes.

Selfishness 
As I briefly discussed a few weeks ago, there is a serious need for couples to come to an understanding of where they fall in the debate for or against the growth of their family.  In the first of these movies we watch as a couple deals with the strain of frustration caused by one partner’s manipulation and selfishness in regards to their having any more children.   Painfully we watch the husband, who from what we can gather in two hours is a truly devoted family man, as he finds himself backed against a wall when he learns that regardless of his public desire for a son, his wife has chosen to go behind his back and have her tubes tied.  

Aside from the shock value that erupts when audiences hear the awful truth during the scene, this struck me as a topic that should be gaining more light in conversations all around.  There are so many sides to the discussion of family planning, and usually, people choose one side and stick to it.  I found that even as I search for sites on reproductive health and justice, they PRIMARILY discuss abortion and the pill, while offering NO information on fertility and conception choices.  Such is the case with the feeling of partners who may not want to have any more children.  We simply aren’t being fair in our viewpoints. In the example of this couple, they already had a daughter.  Though her reasons for not wanting another child were selfish, by some accounts, the mere fact that she decided to take a stand for her feelings was not.

I believe that it is the right of a person to choose whatever they wish for their life.  If that includes three kids and a dog; so be it. If they want one child and a life of travel, that should be allowed as well.  For us to become indignant when someone asks us “Why you ain’t pregnant yet”, because we CAN’T have children, we should be just as defensive for our sisters and brothers asked who don’t  WANT any children.  Childless by choice is a very quiet cousin of infertility.  Just as people often “out” the infertile with their bold questions and inferences, we do the same to those who have decided for various reasons that having children is not in the cards for them.

But again, as I watched the scene unfold, I hurt for that husband, because his dream was not the same as his wife’s, and worse yet because she seemed not to care.  Before bringing any lives into this world, I would hope that each couple learns to take the necessary time to honestly discuss their plans for the future.

Another brief aside I felt worth mentioning was that one character acheived a pregnancy after divorcing a former partner from the first movie.  To briefly introduce the new baby, and perhaps to quickly explain why there hadn’t been any previous offspring, this exchange was held by fellow characters:

“And to think, all them years of Mike actin like it was Sheila who couldn’t get pregnant, and all the time, He was the one shootin blanks”.

Sigh.

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you KNOW that boiled me.
FIRST, why is that any of your busines to have been asking Mike “all them years”?
Secondly,…insensitive much?  As a friend, how do you fix  your mouth to say “He was the one shootin blanks”, and not recognize that as insulting?
But this is normal insensitivity and crassness towards infertility, so I won’t dwell…but I did want to draw your attention to it.  This is what is being said.  We gotta do better.

Grief & Mourning 
For this to basically be the lifeblood of BOTH movies, Mr. Perry tiptoed so lightly around them, that I was left frozen in a state of annoyance rather than understanding.   What a wasted opportunity to shed some light on something that touches so many.  In the actual film, one of the married couples had been dealing with the aftermath of their relationship since the loss of their toddler son.  An unsecured car seat and a rainy night had forever altered the mental state of one partner, and thus shut out the other.

While this was not directly a subject of infertility, the idea of loss and grief are very much a part of our world.  Miscarriage is listed as a distant relative of infertility by most infertility sites and statistics, and in every pregnancy there is a 15%-20% chance of miscarriage source.  1 in every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and when you filter in statistics catered to those of us with a history of infertility and other reproductive health issues, the number grows.  So the issue of fear, loss and grief is one that is ever-present, even in healthy pregnancies.

The marriage represented in the movie was one that was nearing the rockiest of roads because the mother had not only chosen to block the event/child from her mind, but from her mouth.  Though this method of coping is not uncommon, as we all tend to hold our greatest despairs and fears close to heart, it can become downright cruel when in a relationship.  To imagine your own pain, and how you feel like crawling inside of yourself because of the overwhelming sudden empty feeling in your stomach, is one thing; but to imagine the pain of the partner who never felt a kick, never knew the feeling of being full with life, and never fully grasped the closeness that you had automatically, is worth noting.  In fact, that lack of full connection can create even MORE of a feeling of loss.

I believe that all too often, the feelings of men are left out of the debate.  We never really ask them for their dreams.  We don’t really think about how infertility feels to them. All’s fair in love and in-vitro, so just go in that exam room and get busy with the cup, we’ve got a baby to make!  We don’t really think they mourn the BFN’s when we do.  Do we?

The idea given by this movie and many others, is that when loss occurs, we(women) consume the grief internally and make demands on the consolation.  Hold me.  Hug me.  Tell me it is alright.  When is the partner ever allowed to grieve along with us?  His words are stupid.  He doesn’t/couldn’t fully understand where we hurt.  Why do we need to talk about this?  He will get over it. I’m the one who has the harder part to deal with.

Aside from the one-sided attitude written for the wife, I was equally saddened for her.  There was a demand for her to know how to grieve, while it was evident that she just wasn’t ready.  This too began me to thinking about my BrokenBrown family and any souls facing loss in their infertility battle.  Where is it written that there is an expiration date on grief?  A guidebook to loss?  A plan for mending a broken heart?

As unbiased as I want to be about the movie, as a spokesperson for true reproductive health, the mental state of those dealing with grief and loss was one that I felt Tyler Perry brushed under the rug quite messily.  These are true issues that affect couples EVERY DAY, and he chose to speed past them in favor of more scandalous and stereotypical fare, rather than get down to the bare bones of what is going on.  It is important to recognize grief as a serious mental state, rather than just a bad case of depression or “the blues”, and one that warrants support, assistance and patience.  I would also venture to say that this state can be after a loss at any stage of conception and pregnancy.  Seeing two positive lines or hearing a heartbeat, I would say, can cause equal dismay.

Do you know what the most hurtful part of infertility is?  It isn’t the negative tests, or the recurring periods…  It is the feeling of solitude and loneliness.  Not only did Mr. Perry overlook this serious area, but also the fact that by not showing it, he added to it.  For anyone, anywhere who is struggling with grief, fear, loss, confusion, etc., I assure you that you are not unique. You are not the only person to ever endure this pain, and unfortunately, you will not be the last.  Reach out for help and support.  It is out there.  You are NOT alone, and you are NOT the only person to deal with these situations.

I offer you my shoulder,  my love and my prayers.
For support, I offer you these sites:
American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy
American Pregnancy Association
Coping Together
Hope Exchange
International Stillbirth Alliance
Mend.org