When it comes to statistics and their validity, I tend to take them with a grain of salt. Even with this site, I’m often wary of them. We as a culture, are too often classified by trends and scales that leave out many of our natural variables. For instance, the idea that African Americans do not “give up our kids”, or that we don’t adopt, is greatly contrasted by the personal accounts I know of where we have taken in relatives and neighbors as our own throughout history. If we don’t “give our children away”, then who was leaving those children behind? And if we don’t adopt, who was taking them in? Phantoms? So when I saw Christelyn Karazin’s outcry about the statistic of out-of-wedlock children in our country being 72%, I was prepared to be unmoved. Then I began to realize the number of awesome baby-mama’s I know, was a much larger number than wives. I may not always believe in statistics, but I believe in what I see.
To combat this issue, Karazin proposed the initiative, No Wedding/No Womb. The purpose of the movement being that people, specifically African-American men and women delay parenting until they are in a partnership with one another. Her site plainly states that while marriage is ideal, a loving two-parent home for children is what we are truly seeking. When I first heard of the movement, I was excited but cautious. “This thing is going to be huge,” I told a friend, “After people stop getting offended about it.”
You see, I was already prepared for those who would take the issue immediately to heart as offense. I could see clearly in my mind the number of women who would rally around each other in sheer hatred for this idea because their mom and their mom’s mom, and they themselves were the best baby-mama’s they could be. I knew it was coming. And I wanted no parts of it. However, as I’ve learned in fighting for other causes, sometimes our fight is not as popular, but it should still be fought. Your being the best baby-mama you can be, is no excuse for it becoming today’s standard.
So why bring this issue to The Egg? What could an infertility site possibly have to say about an initiative like No Wedding No Womb?
Quite a lot, actually.
You see, what is a gift to those of us for whom parenthood isn’t so easily attained, is foresight. We have no choice but to think of what our children are being brought into this world for. We have no choice but to plan for their future before they are ever conceived. We have no choice but to consider their lives before we start them. This seemingly natural idea of thinking about the children you claim to love, before you have them, is not some maverick movement. It is common sense. A common sense that is shockingly uncommon today.
One of the largest misconceptions we in the infertility community have to face is the idea that we are “playing God” and bringing children into an already over-populated world. I guess the rest of the world who is free to reproduce at will, is also free from that thought process? Oh, and those who can have children of their own biologically without problem are also free of being assaulted with the reminders of the children floundering in foster care and adoption services? Matter of fact, just to be totally clear, those whose bodies have no problem whatsoever in allowing sperm to meet egg are free from all thought and responsibility outside of their own desires and choices, right?
Great. Thanks for clearing that up.
My planning for children because there is more medical involvement necessary, should NOT be the only reason children are thought of before their conception.
To be plain, the issue is not with single mothers. The frustration is not towards those women who have had to step up to the plate due to circumstance. My frustration is toward those who are selfish in their choices. Those who place their own desires over the future needs of the children they bring into the world. Don’t give this great gift to men who have no intention of being there to support and participate. Why would you give that to someone with whom you wouldn’t even trust yourself?
A child’s life is not your opportunity to prove that you “got this”, unnecessarily. A child’s future is not a marketing tool for you to connect yourself to a man. A child’s life, is just that: Their LIFE. None of us, have the right to be so careless with it. The responsible and thoughtful conception of those of us with no choice should still be the choice for all.
I’ve sat on this post for two months now. Reading and re-reading it. Trying to figure out if it is saying all that I want to say on the subject. I’ve decided that it isn’t. It can’t say all that I have to say, because I’m not fully complete in my decisions about this. What I know, above all else, is that family is important. The entire basis of this blog and this fight, is about building FAMILY. Building families, is not the equivalent to having babies.
My heart hurts at where our people are if all we think about is self-gratification and comfort. The No Wedding No Womb movement has been met with opposition primarily from those who take it as a personal attack on them, their mother, or their best friend. Step outside of your own feelings and think of that child who has a great mom but wishes she had a dad too. Step outside of your unnecessary offense and think of that little boy who wishes he had two people clapping for him at the school assemblies. If your life turned out great, from your one-parent home, take a moment and think about what your mom had to sacrifice to give it to you. Wouldn’t you wish HER a better experience. And FINALLY, to those who have no issue with the message of NWNW but claim their aggravation is on it not serving a real purpose or having any real “focus”, I dare you to work with Christelyn at developing one. I DARE you to do something.
Damn, for the sake of family, how about we applaud those of us bold enough to have action rather than criticism?
I’m still of two sides about this movement. While at the general level it’s a great sentiment because there are too many children being brought into the world by people who don’t really want them (single AND married) I have a big issue with SOME of the bloggers who made posts under the name of NWNW. Putting all the blame on women, telling them to close their legs and raise their self-esteem and yet saying nothing to the men who provide the seed. Some of these people were using the platform as a way to berate women and say “see, I’m not like them.” Or “that’s why no guy would want to marry you.” And the Twitter discussions got out of control. I can’t get with people who step on others to make themselves look and feel better. In the end it caused Christelyn’s work to leave a bad taste in my mouth.
I do agree that some of the posts by bloggers who are using this as a “look at the loose women” action, are putting a bad taste in my mouth. Yet, I still find that the overwhelming number of people who I’m most disappointed in, are those who take just that part and harp on it without realizing that for a certain degree, women ARE at the base of some, not all, of these issues. We have to fairly look at all sides, yes, but I’m just glad someone had the courage to even start the conversation. I think the best thing for all of us open-minded types, would be to take the movement for what she started it as, rather than what some who only “think they get it”, have portrayed it as.
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