Nobody Here but Us Wicked Infertiles

We’re selfish, haven’t you heard?
With all the children waiting in foster homes and orphanages, (that I guess fertile people don’t have to care about), those of us who long for genetic heirs are self-gratifying jerks who want nothing more than to populate an over-populated world for our own purposes. You knew that, didn’t you?
We’re far from God-fearing since not having children is God’s will, right?  I mean never-mind about the  barren women in the Bible who God chose to eventually bless…that was a fluke.
Oh, and that scripture:
Psalm 113:9 “He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.”
That’s obviously a trick verse.  Right?
We’re also drastically unstable you know?
Oh, and we hate all pregnant people.

With all of these sins already under our belts, it should be no great surprise that we are also skilled liars.
We lie quite often actually.  With very little remorse and no second-thoughts. The truth becomes blurred and unimportant in this IF life, and I have to admit that I’m breaking insider secrets by letting you in on it.

Depending on who you are, learning how to lie is usually the second thing you do after you learn of your infertility.  The first thing of course being sitting somewhere in the dark having a private “why me, I pray and pay my taxes” cry.  When you get a glimpse at the world through infertility eyes, you realize that you will have to make some modifications to how you deal with the nouns of your life.  People will have to receive custom statements to help them understand why you won’t be attending that thing they’re doing in that place they want you to come to.  Slow down, read it again, it’ll make sense.

Stage One: Passive Lies to Others
The lies start subtly.  Your great-aunt Hannah asks when you two will be having a little one, while she bounces her most recent great-great-great grandson on her knee.  You reply, while staring into her sweet face:

You just let that one roll right off your tongue!  What a quick study you are.  You know good and well that you have thought of nothing else since your first toss of birth control six months ago.

We get a bit more practice as the months progress.  When your best friend Gloria calls to let you know that she and her husband are expecting babies number #4 and #5 simultaneously, you respond:

Why do we lie?
There are actually varied reasons for our inability to be honest for the first half of our infertility fight.  For me, I didn’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable talking to me or sharing good news with me.  Aren’t I the thoughtful one?  Me and my considerations have led to the planning of about four baby showers since my first awareness of my infertility.  What a way to shoot yourself in the foot. While I enjoyed each of those experiences for what they meant to those friends and family members, I have to admit to at least one moment of self-pity during each.  With every plan, you throw out something that you originally wanted for yourself.  You give away an idea that you were holding private and dear.  When you survive that, you enter phase two.

By stage three, we’re on new level of crazy

Stage Three : Lies to Yourself
These lies are the most hurtful because they include holding bait in front of your own face and demanding that you not grab at it.  This stage is usually right after your second round of treatment, oral or surgical, and they too spring up unexpectedly.  The worst part about these, is that there is no one to complain to, about yourself.

After the “spark” has run out due to your vapid sexual prowess and newfound affinity to more clinical romance, your marriage or relationship will take a dip. This is to be expected, don’t panic.  However, this is where the first post-treatment lie, (and perhaps our biggest), sprouts. Ladies and gents, I give to you the infamous;

There is no such thing in the infertile mind as a break.  You may think so because you aren’t actively “trying”, but I beg to differ.  In fact, I would wager to say that you probably put more pressure on your imagination during this lie than any other time of infertility.  You begin telling yourself that since you’re on that break, you must be exercising your inner “just relax”, like the people all told you to do, and that because of this great relax, you will surely turn up unexpectedly pregnant.
The Big Break lie is usually also where we begin to get a bit neurotic. If your period starts, you’re convinced that its actually implantation bleeding. When it continues, you fly to Google to read up on cases of women who menstruated throughout pregnancy. If you decide to fully take a break, and go back on your pills, you then start to look up the effects of taking birth control while pregnant, just in case.
Insanity.

I wish we didn’t have to lie. I wish we could act and truly be okay with all of this, but it is not that easy.  At all. Which leads me to the number one lie we tell to ourselves and others.  It is the whopper of all whoppers and we get so used to saying it that eventually we start to believe it.  Well, some of us do.
Somewhere around the first discussion of IVF, or the last round you can afford; it lingers.
Somewhere after you think about never being successful, and the first time you consider childlessness by choice; it haunts.
Two words that become second nature:

Whatever that means.
Even when you feel fine, your mind isn’t fine.  And when you get your body and your mind into playing along, your heart will still be running a “what-if” marathon.  I’m Fine, is the biggest pile of poo this side of the Gonal-F, and I wish you the courage to break free of it when you need to.

Its funny really.  Of all the things said about us “baby-hungry” folk, when you really get down to the bottom of things, we are the most dangerous and harsh on ourselves.  We beat ourselves up for what we want, what we don’t want, and how we plan to deal with it.   It is actually in the best interest of all involved that we KEEP lying.  One day, I got exceptionally frustrated and bold an answered someone’s “when are you guys gonna…” questions with:
“When my ovaries start working”.
I’m still ashamed.  I was not fine that day.

Did I miss any of your lies?  Feel free to post them.