God…Stop Laughing…Hey, for real…What’s so funny, Man?

I lost my job this month.

I’ve put in four years, a few tears, a countless amount of heart and dedication, and walked away without even my full last paycheck, (Good lookin out, heffa).

It’s nothing more than ironic that just a few weeks ago, I spoke on this very blog about what it would mean if my situation changed in any way.  I feel like I can almost hear God laughing.
I had plans.
I had plans for that job.

More importantly, I had hopes for my students and what I could build into them.  I wanted to see them take away from our time together, what I took from my childhood teachers.  I treated them the way my teachers had always treated me.  Firmly, but with a parental compassion behind it that made me feel that they were my extended family.  They didn’t hold back from me anything, because they regarded me as one of their children.  There was a comfort in knowing that they wouldn’t impart anything on me that my own family would not.  And I am forever grateful to them, and even today, in my late 20’s, my friends and I still speak of them fondly and will practically become teary when we see any of them.

I had plans.
And goals.
And dreams.
And hopes.

And there is a part of me that wants to fight.
Not because of anything I feel about myself personally, but more-so because the dreams I had were to benefit children whom I love.  I cannot fathom in my head, how that is overlooked in light of some who may not have that same vested interest.  There are some who work just to get a check.  I believe that in education, that is a slap to the face of our future leaders whom our jobs it is to develop.

As I sat today and tried to work on some level of peace with the situation, I began to notice the similarities in this dilemma when in regards to the fight of infertility and parenting.

That too is a dream that many have.  Love, Marriage, Children, Family.  That’s how it’s supposed to go.
Isn’t it?

Aren’t we supposed to make plans for how we want our futures to develop?
Two people meet.  They fall in love. They get married. They start a family.  Right?
For many of us, that is where things become heart-wrenching.

It just doesn’t work out that way.  And for a lot of us, like myself, there are no answers.
I can’t figure out what is more frustrating; the fact that it hasn’t happened, or the fact that there is no real reason why.  As if knowing the reasons would make it any easier to deal with.

The first instinct is to fight.  To make someone listen to why you think you’re right, and demand that someone recount the damn votes!  How dare they?  Don’t they see that you saved up money for your child’s college fund?  Don’t they know how long it took you to crochet that soft baby blanket?  Is no one concerned that you ONLY bought that house because you just KNEW that upstairs bedroom with the window seat would make the perfect nursery?  IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!?
And then you realize.
There is no ballot judge to demand a recount from.
There is no jury to plead your case too.
You’re number 22 on your doctor’s list of patients for the day and by the time you’ve read your riot act, they’ve already heard one too many others.

So.  You cry.  You scream into a pillow.  You shout death to the infidels and begin muttering unintelligibles to yourself. And then you sleep. And you wake up.  And 9 times out of 10, nothing has changed but the temperature outside your window.  And there’s that blasted laughing again.  Seriously, God, what is soooo funny?!

But after you do the wake up and sleep thing a couple more days, it gets a little easier.  And before you know it…you’ve got a smirk to go with that laughter you hear.  And then a chuckle. And eventually, you will find yourself laughing right along with God.

Because you know that He knows that YOU will soon know that it will all be okay.  And you know that He knows that YOU will soon know just what the method is to His madness.
There are small reminders.  Sometimes blatant outright statements that will serve to remind you that YOU will live through this.  That delayed is not denied.  Not now, is not No.  Wait, is not forget it.  And peace be still, sometimes means YOU.

There are children in my future.  As there are students now in my past.  And one day, this will all be memory recounted to someone else who needs to hear it.  And I will be okay.  And so will you.

Keep crocheting your blankets.
Keep choosing names.
Keep looking for the bedroom with the perfect window seat to read to your babies in.
And try not to forget that you are loved, needed, and important in some child’s life until you can see your importance in the face of one you give birth to.

I got this from a student today via Facebook:

“Where have you been Mrs. T? u were the best librarian in the world.  My sister and I miss your wit and your sarcasm too”….

 

I’m gonna put that under my pillow tonight.  And continue to dream of children and babies, and raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens.  Thank you Tyanna, Mrs. T needed to hear that today.  Mission Accomplished.