Dear Thanksgiving,
I would love to have a great day with you. However, I feel there are some general guidelines I should provide you with to ensure that we have a good meeting today.
- Please refrain from smiling in my face, leaning on one leg, gently touching me on my shoulder and uttering, “So, what yall waiting on, girl?” This could result in catching a giblet upside the face.
- Please try and avoid smirking and/or winking at me when other people and their babies enter the premises. It isn’t cute, and your acknowledgment of their offspring will not magically implant an embryo in my womb. You can miss me wit all that.
- Do not spend an excessive amount of time asking me personal and intrusive questions with the undertone of questioning my motives for not having children yet. Believe you me, the holidays already cause me to question my own isht without you adding to it.
- If possible, try not to imagine or create a pregnancy if you see me eat one too many slices of pie or pound cake. I’ve learned not to put false hope in my own head and could do well to not have you doing it for me.
- Please, finally, for the love of Pete, do not try and jolt me into having a life planning session while sitting over my plate of fried turkey and when you find me unresponsive do not begin to tell me the reasons why you think its great that we’ve decided to wait “this long”. You and I both know that’s the bullsh*t way of saying, “poor thing”, and could land you facedown in a platter of hot smelly chitterlings.
Please adhere to the above guidlines to ensure that we can both come away from this family gathering with the least damage to both of us. Your respect and consideration are greatly appreciated and sure to stop me from wanting to ram a wine opener into my open eye.
Sincerely looking forward to our compliant day,
Happy Thanksgiving , Eggshells. I hope this made you laugh and will get you through Turkey Day unscathed. Love you.