Disclaimer: My dearest pregnant, and post-pregnant readers and friends, I love you. I love your children. I would like to take this moment pre-rant to say that I know pregnant people have their own issues. That your having a difficult pregnancy should not be slighted by my or anyone else’s infertility. I understand completely that your blues ain’t like mine. Things that WE infertiles do, probably piss you off a bit as well….and I sincerely hope you have a blog where you can rant to high heaven about it…because I DO, and I plan to do so. If you’re in the touchy, easily-offended stages of your life, I hope that you take this time to close your browser and scram. This won’t be for you. If you are, however, the kind of chick that can handle good-humored rants and raves, then by all means stay, maybe you’ll see something that annoys you too.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve been sitting on this one for a few weeks now. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve been sitting on this one for a few years.
I’ve rested quietly on my frustrations, primarily for the sake of not causing a rift between myself and the preggos that are driving me insane. Annoyances aside, I love them, and I know they sometimes can’t help how “drive-a-nail-into-my-eye” bothersome they become. But then I reminded myself that one of the ways this blog reaches so many is by my saying the things you(readers) WANT to say. LOL So it would be downright cruel for me to not rant on you all’s behalf! I opened the floor for Eggshells to send me their most annoying things about pregnant people, and I gotta say….I love you guys. You’re HILARIOUS, and all of your mentions are included in this post!
To be fair, I don’t know that pregnant women understand the work that goes into trying to be genuinely happy for them sometimes. On the surface, sure, who wouldn’t be happy for their best girlfriend or sister bringing a new life into this world!? We stifle all our initial sadness and focus in on the beauty of it all. Instead of being disappointed about ourselves, for once, we do our best to put on a happy face and think about the bigger picture. Then they go and %$& it up by being jerks about the whole thing.
1.IF I CAN INJECT A NEEDLE INTO MY OWN A$$, YOU CAN LIFT THAT PEN!
The last thing a woman who spends her evenings ramming sharps into the side of her gluteus maximus wants to hear come out of a pregnant woman’s mouth is how she just can’t function now that she’s 72 hours pregnant. The woman who’s had her second hysterosalpingogram is NOT at ALL interested in your back pain, when you’re all of six weeks along. She’s really thinking, “Go flog yourself, whiny heffa! If I can take gushing liquid into my fallopians, you can handle back spasms.” Now this is not to say that once she gets pregnant herself that she won’t feel you on some level, but trust me when I tell you that she could give a hell less when her whole body feels like a pin cushion and you’re floating glowingly into your FIRST trimester. She is taking one for the team every single day, dealing with just as many hormonal bounces as you, and with nothing to show for it. I’d advise you to shut it before she throws a box of Gonal-F at your head.
2. YOU ARE NOT A CELEBRITY, SECRET SQUIRREL!
Celebrities hold off on sharing bits of their relationships and pregnancies because they already share so much of themselves with the world. They deserve to keep a little of it to themselves for as long as they can. They wait until they can’t wait any longer to reveal parts of their lives to us. I get that. YOU, however, are Loquitta from 75th street…NOT Beyonce. You share yourself willingly on every social media site known to man. So when you get knocked up and post phantom ultrasound pictures in your profile, of course people will want to know what you’re having and if IT has a name! Why the hell are you brow-beating us with your secrecy? To YOU, it may not seem like a big deal. Perhaps there’s a warped sense of modesty in your “No, we’re not pregnant. NO, the secret baby in here does not have a name, PLEASE stop asking us!” However to US, it just feels like you’re holding a gift box out in our faces and saying “Nah Naahny Nah Nah, It’s my Secret Box of Goodies and you better not ask about it“. At the point where you start withholding information for kicks and giggles, you lose us. We no longer want to know a damn thing about YOU, your pregnancy, or your squirmy secret spawn. Keep ALL your crap to yourself if you wanna act like that. 
Don’t facebook an ultrasound, don’t mention your morning sickness, don’t post a weekly bump shot, and don’t use passive-aggressive wit to let us know how angry you are with the next person who asks you a stupid question like, oh I don’t know, “do you know what you’re having and does it have a name”?
3. I’M ASKING FOR COMMON RESPECT, NOT SEGREGATION
So the cat is out of the family bag about my infertility. For whatever reason, the whole gang knows that my procreation plans are shaky. A bit of care with what you say to and around me is appreciated. Hiding entire new pregnancies from me, not so much. I understand that in your head, the thought of having to use tact and decorum when informing me of your new baby was hard, I mean who could ask for crazy things like those? So instead you decided to completely distance yourself from me until the shower invitations were out? What the smelly hell? You think my having to go to Babies R Us and decipher your registry is going to be easier because I didn’t know about it until your third trimester? FAIL. The simplest thing in the world would have have been to just tell me. Tiptoeing around me is a cop-out. It doesn’t make me feel any less frustrated to come to family gatherings and find that everyone knew about your news but me. 
The largest hurdle in my life is feeling normal, so thanks for finding yet another way to make me feel less than.
4. JUST BECAUSE YOU USED TO BE ON THIS TEAM, DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER FOOLISHNESS BUBBLES TO YOUR LIPS
You know, if anything, I would hope that the persons most understanding of what not to say to infertile folk would be those who have graduated from our club. I mean, truth be told, you never fully do graduate. If you’ve survived a miscarriage once, I’m sure you go into all pregnancies with that extra bit of concern. If you worked hard to get knocked up this first time, I’m sure you have your worries about a “next” time. Yet some of our “graduates” find some of the worst ways to offend! I’m not sure if its because you believe that you’ve been where we are, or if pregnancy brain has gotten the better of you, but saying crap like, “Well, I’ve gotten pregnant, now it’s your turn” or “Well I bet now that you’ve adopted, you’re sure to get pregnant now just like I did”, makes me want to assassinate you. Did I miss the memo? Did the old stork die and you took over his post? Is that what the holdup was this whole time? Your womb is the fountain of life now? Kick rocks, jerk.
5. OH, WE CAN BE BITCHES NOW? I DIDN’T KNOW! LET ME GO GET MY COSTUME!
Considering the fact that I’ve received some of the most heart-wrenching news in my life during these few YEARS of infertility, I’m sure I would have just loved knowing that it gave me the right to be a bitter a$$hole. I mean, you’ve only been pregnant for about six days and you’ve already picked up more than your fair share of bishitude. Had I known that reproduction was warrant for talking to people any kind of way, I wouldn’t have worked so hard to hold it together. I mean here I was letting silly comments roll off my back and all the while I could have been telling people off just like you! Who knew!? I’m sorry but the grapefruit in your belly is no excuse for you treating everyone around you like they’re incompetent and annoying.
6. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, ASK.
If you are a pregnant reader of the Egg, this is my greatest advice. Ask us if we’re okay with being involved in situations where we will be the ONLY never-been-pregnant person in the room. ASK us if we’re comfortable with your making suggestions about what we should do to get where you are. ASK us how OUR IVF cycle is going, or how we feel sometimes. Just that small bit of concern, can change half of these rants into water under the bridge.
At the end of the day, it is hard to be happy sometimes. As much as we want to be okay, it is truly difficult. Many of the things that annoy us, overlap with the things we don’t mind so much. Basically, the entire thing is confusing, even to us. This post is not meant to “change” anyone, or to demand anything. For all we know, those of us who contributed to this post could all get pregnant eventually and be JUST as aggravating for someone else. But today, is not that day. And today, we just had to get it out.
Got anymore preggo pet peeves? Rant away in the comments!
RE: Number 3…
Right after I had a miscarriage my S-I-L found out she was pregnant with my nephew. When my husband (reluctantly) told me I was so excited. My first thought was, “Yay! I’m so happy for them! I know they wanted to try for another kid and I’m so happy they were successful!” Then my hubby said, “My mom didn’t want to tell you.” I asked him why not and he told me because she didn’t know how I’d feel after the miscarriage. I thought it was ridiculous, and then got sad because yet again you’ve reminded me of the horror I’d just gone through (as if I needed a reminder). Then I got mad that you wouldn’t give me enough credit to be genuinely happy for my loved one even amidst my own pain. I completely resented any notion that I should be kept away from the news because it wouldn’t change what just happened in my own life, nor would it take away the pain that came with it. It serves nothing but to treat me like a fragile basketcase instead of a member of the family. So yeah, all that to say I get it (and still get it).
Oh yeah, another one: When someone tells you about their problems getting pregnant, don’t roll off horror stories about your best friend who tried and failed repeatedly and suggest that maybe it’s just your body (Yes, someone said that to me once).
It’s such a conundrum too because on the one hand, you do have to sort things out internally, but at the same time it becomes hell when you realize that people are ostracizing you instead of giving you the time or choices you need. It bothers me that people would rather go to the extreme of leaving us out rather than just work out how to talk to us or ask if we’re okay.
And as for the horror story roll call…PLEASE stay tuned next week for the things not to say to infertile people post. LOL
So I got to add after many years of that.I think it makes you feel like they all have given up on your family when you have not.
ABSOLUTELY the emotion. You are so right, Dawn.
I must say, that I enjoyed reading this today. I do find myself as one of those people who are genuinely concerned about a friend who’s actively trying but unsure of what to say and how to say things to her. I often worry am I crossing the line of being nosy by asking how treatments are going and things like that. Thanks for presenting this in a funny but real way, I appreciate it and I’m sure many others do also!
Thanks Kiya. Humor is often the best way to get the truth accomplished. I hope you find just the thing to say. It doesn’t take an in-depth question. Sometimes just saying, “How’s everything going”, is enough.
After suffering a miscarriage, I was so happy to be pregnant. Then I almost delivered prematurely and God saw fit to allow me to carry my twins to full term. I wish I would have opened my mouth to complain about the hospitalizations, medicine that I had to inject into my own skin multiple times per week to keep the contractions at bay, several stress tests per week, laying in a bed upside down, appointments with the regular doctor AND the specialist, and the strict bed rest for months. So what! I was pregnant. I prayed for all to continue because that meant they had another day inside me to develop and I was grateful. Even now, I have complications from the pregnancy and delivery but guess what..my babies try to rub the hurt away. I hate to see someone complain. There are so many people that would trade places with you in a second. Recognize your blessings!
Jacquetta!! You better say that! I think for people like me, I do understand that pregnant people are going through their own thing too, so it isn’t fair for me to decide that I’m the only one suffering or that they have to be happy all the time just because I may be wishing I was in their shoes,…but the fact of the matter is that some of the stuff is just over-emotional and unnecessary complaining. I think you summed it up perfectly though.
*clap clap* Nothing annoys me more than the suddenly pseudo famous and the instant beyotches.
so you posted the positive pregnancy test and the wekks and days you were pregnant…you take a picture of your stomach and your boobs in a black bra once a week and post it on the world wide web…you update your statuses every 2 seconds with your symptoms and cravings….and i’ve seen your kids FACES in their 3D sonogram…but you are MAD because someone asks you for information that is suddenly considered G14 classified like oh is it a boy or a girl???? Dude…seriously? Get serious about your life.
and you know what..i’ve been pregnant. And over into month 7 and 8 I was almost insufferable in terms of going from happy to crying to inexplainably depressed, and back to happy. But you know who had to deal with that? The people who lived in my house with me. NOT every person i could sucker into interacting with me and people who were clearly not even thinking about me. And when i realized how volatile I was I CONSCIOUSLY avoided unecessary interactions to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings with my temoprary insanity. Even in the midst of my crazefest i knew no one deserved it and spared as many folk as possible. My advice to those who find themselves snapping on everyone..LOG OFF. FIND A NICE QUIET ALONE PLACE TO BE. AND STAY THERE. You’re welcome
I keep reading this comment because it makes me cry laughing. LMAO I also like how you say “sucker into interacting”, because at times I think people are very guilty of that. Trying to find just anyone to release the Kraken on.
At the end of the day, also, these same rules can apply to many of us infertiles…there are days where I have to NOT TYPE ANYTHING or answer my phone because I will surely go HAM and be an unpleasant participant in any social interactions.
You speak the truth! I like that you included the “only woman in the room that has never been pregnant” scenario – I get in trouble with that one in the lunch room at work, so much so that I try not to sit in on the girl chat anymore, too many awkward silences when babies and kids come up with everyone avoiding my eyes. COME ON, REALLY? Just because I don’t have kids does not mean I don’t love kids!!
So I wanted to thank you greatly for the link tonight. I also wanted to let you know that I enjoyed this post and felt alot better after I had read it.I keep this down all the time have for all these years when i see it in black and white coming from someone who knows makes it better somehow.
this hits right at home, its been 6years and no baby for me and hubby and recently everywhere i turn some one is preggers either family or a celebrity as frustrating as it seems. i really dont have anyone to talk to b/c my sister in law’s both 21 1 has 3 kids the other 1 were able to conceive and idc at the time but now my husband is wanting a baby and its annoying me b/c its not that easy. okay so any who this past christmas i was the topic of baby talk due to my husband’s big mouth but to top it off my mother-in-law’s friends had the audacity to tell me that it’ll happen soon and that my sister-in-law should slow down on the baby making (which i agree but thats not my problem as i always tell my husband who feels bad for her b/c she aint getting no sleep..wah wah wah) she chose it not me. anyway this is how i feel dont complain about your pregnancies to me and dont give me advice either b/c i don’t need it.