Posts Tagged ‘The Relationship’

Good Mornin, Metformin

So, it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to actually POST some tidbits here on the site.  And it is all your fault.  See, most of you follow The Egg on Facebook and we have such great conversations there, that by the time I get over here, I have nothing else to say because we’ve talked it to death over the course of a day!

But, getting back to what this site was created for, and beyond the “business” sides, I have to get my thoughts out once more.  And, even in the year 2012…some people don’t use Facebook.  I know, I know, perish the thought.  But it dawned on me that for those who don’t use Big Blue, there is little to no way of knowing what is going on right now with me if I don’t post it here.  So here I am.  Have a seat, let’s chat. (more…)

Seems like You’re Ready….

So, when I originally became a member of the embattled, tough girls of infertility lifestyle, I thought the best way to make myself strong, was to completely act un-phased by things that were the cliche discomforts for infertile women.  The textbook cases of teen -pregnancy haters, bitter stepmothers, and weepy weak women who couldn’t bare to lay eyes on children until they had their own.  I was so busy avoiding becoming that woman, that I totally have been blindsided by my newest archnemesis: “Crazy with Anticipation Paranoia Chick”

Seriously, if you haven’t met or become her, consider yourself lucky.

No, BLESSED. (more…)

Private Parts

Back when I was still engaged, a fellow bride shared some wisdom from one of her elder family members.   It was a list of things every new wife should do to keep house.   There, nestled alongside gems like “Never go to bed angry”, was this little nugget,

“Your husband should never know when you are having your feminine time.  Keep those things private!”

Oh really?  Well whoopdee freakin do.  What stellar advice.  With tips like these, who needs Dear Abby? (more…)

Family Is Relative

So yesterday was Easter.

I have to admit something to you right out of the gate: I’d seen a few statuses by my other infertility advocate friends that said things like, “With Easter coming up, you may need support…” and I thought, “Why?  What does Easter have to do with infertility?”

Wow, was I in for a surprise.  First of all, I was completely unaware that similar to Christmas and Halloween, apparently people equate colorful eggs and pastel clothing to cute children, therefore making childless couples unimportant.  They almost look at you as though, “What do YOU want?  You brought us nothing(no one) to play with.”  Forget the whole, Jesus being raised from the dead aspect of the holiday, we’re obviously supposed to be raving about the frilly-ness of skirts and the adorableness of miniature 3-piece suits. (more…)

Musical Therapy: You Are My Man

Okay…this one threw me for a loop.  First of all, the melody is intoxicating and Tamar Davis sings her FACE OFF.  As usual, I’m looking at something that has nothing to do with infertility when something drives itself home.  This time, it was Tyler Perry’s newest play “Madea’s Big Happy Family”.

As I listened to the words, I started to seriously think on how our attitudes begin to clash as we go through fertility issues.  Many times our spouses and partners fall directly in the line of our fire as we battle disappointment, despair and utter frustration.  This song, sung to a spouse who has been just that kind of victim, was powerful.

I’m sharing it as today’s musical therapy because I think that listening to it can truly make one realize where they may be not giving their partner the respect and admiration they deserve.  As a final dose of Kujichagulia, I’m taking it as my cue to watch my tone and my actions.  Take it and learn from it,…and after that, listen to it again because as I said Ms.Davis is singing her entire hair off.

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Lyrics:

Why is it so hard to get over your past? Why am I still hurting?

Why does this anger last?  If you would help me, I will try to help me too. Just dont leave me, I wont make it without you.

I-I-I-I-I get so mad. I take it out on you. I know you wanna help me with all the wrong I’ve done to you! All you wanna do is love me! But I keep pushing you away. All you ever done is cared for me and I say no please go, away. I-I-I don’t know why, why you love-ove-ove me.

But I’m so glad you do, you do-o-o-o-o Thank you for putting up with me And all the things I put you through, ohhhh.

I get so sad and mean towards you. But just hold me until the moment is through.

Oh You are my man, My real Good Man. So strong for me. My one true friend. You are my man. My lover man. Don’t give up on me.

Please understand!

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

First and foremost, a well-deserved soft hug and congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Cannon.  The pregnancy rumors were confirmed last week when Mariah revealed to Access Hollywood that she and Nick are due in the spring. If you didn’t see it…check it out below.

There are so many directions to go with this story, that I guess I’ll have to cover them all, or at least brush over them.

First and foremost, I’m pondering who decides what is and isn’t a “fertility struggle”?   Does the customary yearlong attempt stand as the primary gauge?  Does the couple or individual who is ttc have the final say on whether or not theirs was in fact a fertility battle?  As I was reading the news reports that accompanied the Access Hollywood footage, I was kicked in the stomach when at the end of the stories, the journalists all noted how the couple made reference of their having conceived naturally.  Seemed simple enough on a first-read, but after the third article, I felt myself get that old familiar advocacy hat out of the bag.

Why was it necessary for them to stress the fact that the Cannon’s conceived without the use of fertility aids?  What the hell did that mean?  Was mentioning that, their way of saying, “Oh, and don’t worry, they aren’t the weird infertile people who use their money and medicine to tilt God’s hand in their favor?”  I know, I’m being a bit extreme, but these are the things we as advocates have to pay attention to.  Stressing the fact that this pregnancy came “naturally” could be used to have an adverse effect on the couples who do need infertility treatments.

Also, contrary to belief, Mariah’s diligent use of acupuncture, which she plainly discusses in the interview, IS being considered a fertility aid by many these days, so what does that say about the “no fertility aid” stance?  Along with the acupuncture therapy, Mariah also divulges her having been prescribed Progesterone for the cycles leading up to this pregnancy as a result of complications that arose after her miscarriage.   If you are unfamiliar with what Progesterone is used for, it is a natural female reproductive hormone.  It is administered as a fertility aid when the body is not producing enough of it naturally to develop a thick uterine lining for a fertilized egg to implant.  So…that being said,…YES, the Cannon’s conceived “naturally”, but only for the most part.  Which leads me back to my original issue; who decides whether or not their two-year situation is considered infertility?

I believe it is a hard road to pave.  There are many potholes and bumps to neatly pack the entire thing away under one label.

BUT, I am adding the Cannons to our picture reel over there —->

Why?

Because she and Nick are a beautiful example of the support a couple needs from each other when dealing with the medical, physical and emotional strains of (albeit very, very mild) fertility issues.  The support that he has shown via his Twitter posts and media in defense of his wife as they walked this quiet journey should be applauded.

I recently spoke at a symposium here in Chicago.  After the panel was over, two African Americans from the audience came to speak to me.  One, a mother who was desperately trying to find a way to connect and help her daughter, who was dealing with infertility.  Another, a young man who’s first question to me was, “Do men ever speak out to you?”  His question was both sad and motivating for me.  Sad, because what he was inferring was true.  Not many men are willing to speak out about infertility in the minority community, unless they are a physician themselves.  Motivational because it reminded me of the group I desperately wish to reach.  Seeing men like Nick Cannon not only absorb the blow for his wife, but support her decisions openly and without apology was a breath of fresh air and a step of advocacy for the unheard men who are doing the very same.  So many partners take on the heartache of reproduction issues.  They stand in the gap, provide the crying shoulders and are PRESENT.  Their banner should be raised and Nick Cannon has done an excellent job of lifting it up.

“If & when my wife is ready to make ANY announcements about private matters she will do it personally.” – @NickCannon – via Twitter – Jun 2, 2010

“My heart goes out to any woman who has to deal with public scrutiny and speculation pertaining to their private life REAL TALK!” – @NickCannon via Twitter – June 2, 2010

Finally, my last impression is one that I’ve shared with The Egg before.  This idea of what is and isn’t public domain knowledge is detrimental to where we go as advocates in infertility.  There is a very, very thin line between my being grateful for Mariah and Nick finally sharing their news, so that it can reach those who need it, and my believing it was somehow our “business” or “right to know”. The push for advocacy has to walk the narrow tightrope of convincing our silent community that there is no embarrassing or stigmatic reason for their silence, while also respecting their right privacy.  “You don’t have to tell us all your business, but thanks if you do”, is the thought process I’ve been trying to navigate for a while now.

I am grateful for Mariah speaking out, ecstatic that she was forthcoming about the miscarriage and medication, but adamant that media STOP DIGGING THROUGH THE UTERI OF PUBLIC FIGURES.  Perhaps if they do, we can get more celebrities who will be willing to share and support.  Stalking celebs for the inner-workings of their fallopian tubes, and hiding in fertility clinic dumpsters for the chance to break the news to the world, is not only tacky, but it takes the fertility community far too long to bounce back from.  Give THAT a rest.  When there are constant speculations on the uses of fertility drugs or doctors, the image portrayed to the world is that using these resources should be attached to a taboo.  When we establish that, we set the stage for all types of ignorance and misunderstanding about what new millennium fertility really is.

Overall, as a site that supports and believes in the creation of strong, healthy families, I am proud to see that the Cannon’s have finally gotten their chance to have one.

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