The following is an anonymous submission for The Egg’s 2015 National Infertility Awareness Week Blog Project, #BehindClosedDoors. Most people assume that this is all about babies. Not many people stop to think about what takes place after the babies are born. Does the doubt ever go away? The fear? Not for many.
Here’s another look behind the door.
So everything will be fine once you have that baby. Right? Is what I thought. I think that’s a thought we all have. I’d be super mom and every heartache, depressed mood, crying episode would disappear as quickly as they came. But of course life is never that simple with infertility.
I guess the bottom line is that any experience that has had a life-altering affect, never really leaves you. The fire is gone but the smell is still there.
I guess it was naive of me to think something that held up my life for nearly 10 years would just disappear so easily.
Several thoughts play in my head over and over again on a regular basis. I often have thoughts that people are judging me through a different lens than they do other mothers. It feels as if I have to work harder because I wanted it more than the average woman.
I also live in my head more than I thought I ever would. From time to time I’m questioning if I’m doing everything right. Is the baby’s nose always clean, is he meeting every bench mark or is he he eating healthy enough! I know this is definitely a new mom thing but there is still an element of infertility associated with it.
What’s also frustrating is that all of my good friends kids are grown. So it’s hard for them to relate to me as a new mom. So while we are ecstatic to have our bundle of joy all of our friends kids are off to college.
The other thought is how to continue to build our family. IVF is hard and adoption is expensive. So will our baby be an only child or will we endeavor this difficult path once again??
The above was a submission to the Egg’s 2015 NIAW Project “Behind Closed Doors”. If you would like to submit a post on what goes on behind the scenes of YOUR fertility journey. Please consider sharing a submission by emailing me at Regina@thebrokenbrownegg.org
There are few experiences during this infertility thing where you feel empowered. The moments are few and far between, and you will find that when you get them, you will begin to savor them and never want them to end. The Fertility For Colored Girls‘ 2nd Annual “Hats, Heels, and Hankies Tea”, was one of those experiences. (more…)
It’s Tuesday. And around here, Tuesdays are RealTalkTuesdays. Today, though, there’s more than just the normal affirmations on my mind. Today, I’m thinking about the five years that have gone past as this blog has grown, and just how monumental it actually is.
Five years ago, when I started my blog, it was out of a desperate need to do something. My husband and I had fought our way blindly through this forest of uncertainty and I’ll just admit, shame, and I just wanted to do SOMETHING that would make me feel less than defeated. I wanted to kick a door open, turn on a light, make the smart-ass comment that would get the classroom talking.
Five years later, I’m proud to say that the door is open and there are people walking through and towards their healing. Not all of us have become parents, and not all of us are done fighting, but all of us have a place and a voice now. A place to shout, and a place to be heard. A place to be quiet, and a comforting silence to wrap us up in.
Five years ago, I was unemployed, uninsured, frustrated, and feeling hopeless. I was barely getting people to visit my blog, let alone comment or even let me know I was making a difference. Five years ago, when I started this blog, all I wanted to do was shout. Five years later, I’m glad to listen.
I don’t take it for granted.
And I don’t want YOU to take it for granted either.
You should know, that five years ago, organizations such as Fertility Within Reach, Fertility For Colored Girls, or A Family Of My Own, did not exist and it was very hard to know where to start. Especially if Resolve felt overwhelming. So many groups have formed in these past few years, that it’s easy to forget how vast of a wasteland it once was.
You should know, that I felt lost in the sea of infertility blogs that I did find, because I saw absolutely no reflection of myself, and that the ONLY fertility related blogs for women of color that I could find, had either stopped being updated, gone in a different direction, or were morphing into parenting blogs.
You should know, that in the past five years, there have been ENORMOUS strides made in the growth of reproductive awareness in general, and attention to infertility in the African-American and minority communities. So many people have responded to me, and told me how valuable this site(or the Facebook page or the Facebook group) mean to them, and it is humbling. To know that people are choosing to allow me to walk with them through the most painful and private ordeal in their lives, is extremely humbling.
You should know that I am grateful.
You should know that I am not done.
What do you need? How can I help? You let me know.
I’ll be here.
Are you an Eggshell living in the Chicago or Western suburban Chicago area? I’ve got great news this National Infertility Awareness Week! I am extremely proud to announce that there’s a special event just for you. On Saturday April 26th, join myself and an amazing panel of experts for my first information session!
Start Here: Destination Family is an hour-long jam-packed experience where you will get to ask questions and get face-to-face answers from experts in the infertility world on almost every front: Adoption & Adoption Law, Foster Care, Medical Assistance, and Support Groups!
Meet myself, Dr. Anne Borkowski of North Shore Fertility, Nijole Yutokowitz – Director of Resource and Community Development at The Cradle, Dr. Stacye Edwards-Dunne of Fertility for Colored Girls, and Michelle M. Hughes – Adoption Advocate and Attorney!
Come out. Learn. Get active!!
Registration is FREE, do so here: http://tinyurl.com/StartHereNIAW
And with a new attitude, and a new look to go with it!
So I had to take some time away from The Egg in blog form. You’d think, being a writer, that writing would get me through one of the hardest experiences I’ve had to face since starting on this journey, but in truth, I wanted nothing more than to just be silent and allow myself to come down to a simmer. I have never been so angry, and hurt, and confused as I was the first half of this year.
Our kinship adoption fell through, and with that, came the hell of kinship foster care. Now, let me say, that in the ideal situation, both of those scenarios can be beautiful and thriving for everyone involved, and that my personal situation should not be the reason for you or anyone else you know to not take the opportunity if it comes your way. I was hurt, yes, but if Doc Brown came by with the Delorean today, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
Because despite the ignorant adults and bureaucratic cronies we encountered, this was never about any of them. It was about one little person, who didn’t ask to be born, but who needed to be loved when she was. We did that. We did that impeccably.
So to God be the glory.
I’m not over it, but I’m through it.
And I’m back with a vengeance.
In about 8 hours, I am going to my third visit with Fertility Centers of Illinois, to undergo a saline ultrasound, and as uncomfortable as that is going to be, I couldn’t be more excited. It’s like my birthday present to myself. PROGRESS. It’s the best gift I can give me.
That ultrasound, symbolizes that I am moving forward. It is one more way that I am boldly telling the universe that I am reclaiming my year. I am reclaiming my time. I am reclaiming my hope.
And if there is one thing you NEVER want to let someone get, when you want them to be stagnant, is their HOPE.
I got mine.
And I’m determined as hell, to help you get, keep, or maintain yours.
So the Egg is back, refurbished, and refocused. I am dedicating myself to taking you with me on this journey, as I’ve always done, but also in thinking forward into the success I plan to achieve, I want to also ensure that there is a legacy of information, collaboration, and awareness begun. I am aligning myself with individuals and organizations who seek to empower infertility patients, put information in the hands of those who need it and don’t yet know they do, and stand on the front-lines of our legislative needs.
Are you with me?
Because I am definitely with you.
Let’s get it.
Four years has gone by so fast.
I am honored and proud to be considered a voice in the infertility community. When I began The Egg, I was attempting to get my own thoughts out while also making it plain to the world at large that African American couples were in dire need of courage to speak about our reproductive health. As the years have progressed, the individuals and now even families who follow me here on my site, and also on social media, are of all colors, all backgrounds, and all situations.
Straight couples, lesbian couples, single women, divorced women, engaged women and young women have all reached out to me in some form or fashion just to say thanks for being a voice, and I am humbled. I thank YOU. Every single day, for the past four years, I have been able to talk to someone and have my feelings heard. I have been able to speak about what matters to me and where I want to see us grow. (more…)