This will be one of those TMI, tell-all posts.
Let me give a couple of you some time to clear the room if that’s not what you’re here for:
So, I’m annoyed and confused today.
Purpose of D&C & hysteroscopy – To diagnose and stop irregular bleeding
Result of D&C – 9 days more of irregular bleeding.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
Be patient, Regina! That’s completely normal! These things take time… blah, blah, blah.
But let me hip you to something I’ve been keeping silent for a while out of embarrassment, frustration, and a self-destructive need to make sure no one sees the kinks in my armor:
Out of the past 90 days, I have bled in some form or fashion for a total of 67.
I have bled longer than Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada were married.
If I bleed another 6 days, I will have also outlasted the nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries.
In the time that I’ve bled, cats, armadillos, bobcats, mice, rabbits, some dog breeds, and many other animal species have fully gestated.
Are you seeing why I’m pissed? Just a bit?
I’ve taken Estrogen supplements, Glucophage, Birth Control Pills, Thyroid meds…and yet nothing.
I’ve purchased approximately EIGHT boxes of Always…each with 32 pads included.
See these special Always boxes that come with the free Modeez Sanitary packs? Yeah, I got FOUR Modeez now.
I’m tired of being tough.
I’m tired of being resilient.
I’m tired of acting like I’m not feeling like I’m literally bleeding to death.
I’m tired of nurses saying, “Yes, but are you bleeding through more than one pad in an hour”, in condescending tones.
I’m tired of feeling eeks and squeaks whenever I sneeze, or stand up too fast, or at random times while sitting absolutely still.
I’m tired of EVERY television show, magazine, book, and conversation being about sex and babies….to point out that I can have neither.
I’m tired of looking at my husband and HATING that he deserves better that what I am capable of providing at the moment because I’m depressed, and infertile, and uncomfortable, and hormonal.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m wearing a diaper every day.
I’m tired of being angry.
I’m tired of being sad.
I’m tired of being told to pray.
I’m just tired.
And I felt it necessary to say that today.
Out loud for a change.
Because who am I helping with this website that I’m paying for, if I don’t tell it all? Especially since that’s what I started the site for. And how am I even helping ME, if I’m not using this website that I’m paying for, as my venting space. And what more damage will I do to myself if I don’t shout?
I called my doctor today. Because once again I felt that I’d reached my breaking point. I was told that this is normal. This post-op “spotting” as they call it. And I don’t know, maybe under different circumstances I’d be okay with that answer. Maybe if I hadn’t already been experiencing it for the past 60+ days then I could not feel so defeated when the nurse once again tells me that “if it isn’t bleeding through one pad in an hour, I can just wait until my follow-up appointment next THURSDAY”.
Next Thursday is 5 days, 127 hours, 7628 minutes, 457706 seconds, and another 30 Always pads away.
At this point in my life, next Thursday is practically a year from now.
And I have lots of curse words floating around in my head to punctuate my feelings about that.
I just don’t understand any of this.
The past couple weeks have been interesting to say the least.
Since learning of my blocked and useless fallopian tubes, I went on to have the period from hell…Again. This time, our new record is off and on for upwards of 37 days.
After a pretty aggressive medication regimen, my doctor and I finally decided to pull out the heavy artillery and press the reset button by scheduling a D&C and hysteroscopy.
Cue “Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuun” sound effects.
Now, leading up to this surgery, I was in quite the peculiar and bitchtastic mood, let me tell you. Hopped up on hormone pills and whatnot is not the way to keep a mellow attitude. I fell into a deep dark hole called, “I’m sick of this shit.” You ever been there? I vacation there often, lately.
I didn’t want to post here.
I didn’t want to dream.
I didn’t want to write.
I didn’t want to do anything but go to work and come home…and they could spare me the work.
And that was hard for me because I’m a tenacious type of person. I don’t like being or feeling defeated. I don’t like feeling hopeless. But I certainly was.
So I spent a lot of evenings in my bedroom.
Laying against my pillow, cruising social media.
Thinking angry thoughts.
In the middle of my angst, however, I did spend a lot of time with one of my favorite social media addictions these days, the virtual pinboard, Pinterest.
Pinterest has a lot of uses. It can be a way to visually collect bookmarks. It can be a way for people to market their merchandise by baiting people to repin photos of it. It can be a lot of things, but what it has the greatest quality in, is creating vision boards.
It’s easy to get lost there for hours and see how other people have curated their dreams into these sprawling boards of hope and planning. People pin quotes, photos, plans, etc. I use my boards as something to look at, work on, believe in.
It was here that I regained my footing.
It is here that I want you to gain some of yours as well.
I want you to take a little time and come out of your shell. Take the opportunity to dream out loud, boldly and in full color. Let’s get creative.
What I’m proposing is that you use Pinterest to visually take a step out into the advocacy arena. Either for the infertility community as a whole, or just for yourself. From now until September 24th, I am asking all my Eggshells to join me in celebrating possibility.
Using Pinterest, I want you to create a one of two or both kinds of the following boards:
Advocacy Board: create a board that deals with Infertility Awareness, PCOS Awareness, or Adoption Awareness, etc. Pin articles, photos, or procedures that give the world a better view of what it is like to live this infertility life and of the conditions which have led you down this path.
Here’s Mine: “The Great IF: What It Looks, Feels, and Sounds like“
One Day Mom Board: Create a board for your future. Pin articles, photos, or ideas that you will use when you become a mom. Adoption maternity photo shoot ideas, Birth Announcements, Homemade Baby Food How-To’s. Whatever it is that you want to be or do as a mom, pin it.
Here’s Mine: “YeYo“
For an added plus, you can use the hashtag #BBEShellShocked on any pins that you want to be located through The Broken Brown Egg. I will have a link here on the site for people to catch up on our boards and any pins with that tag will pop up. Tell others, invite family and friends to view your board. Use it to come out of the infertility closet.
When I was at my lowest, I found it very hard to dream. Hope was at a small, small level in my heart. Dreaming, however, put me back on track to move forward. I want the same for you. And if we can enlighten the world to what WE go through at the same time, then all the better.
There were more appointments then ever. And instead of reading about people talking about beating PCOS and drifting into motherhood, the talk had turned to talk to exclusively the word miscarriage. That word could strike fear in my heart like no needle ever could and it was suddenly everywhere.
Oh my God, could I have come this far only to spend every set aside dime and then lose my baby?!? This never was a thought to me until we started with the injections. The second I was asked to spend a lump sum, and get down to penniless for this “project”, it occurred to me that women lose babies everyday. I wanted to think of the worst case scenario and ask myself if I could handle whatever that was. Could I deal with the bills I was getting from the infertility clinic, the money I’d spent trying to get pregnant, the surgeries I’d had and then the possible threat of miscarriage?
I had never asked myself that question before, I was afraid to. I never brought the word up. I thought if I didn’t, it would definitely decrease my chances of it and at least preserve my sanity. But, suddenly people were coming forward bringing that word to me and I could not escape the thought. (more…)
So, it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to actually POST some tidbits here on the site. And it is all your fault. See, most of you follow The Egg on Facebook and we have such great conversations there, that by the time I get over here, I have nothing else to say because we’ve talked it to death over the course of a day!
But, getting back to what this site was created for, and beyond the “business” sides, I have to get my thoughts out once more. And, even in the year 2012…some people don’t use Facebook. I know, I know, perish the thought. But it dawned on me that for those who don’t use Big Blue, there is little to no way of knowing what is going on right now with me if I don’t post it here. So here I am. Have a seat, let’s chat. (more…)
Originally Published 12.27.2010 8:13 pm
Happy Kwanzaa! I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas! I had a restful one, for a change, with much less stress from running around as it usually entails. As for this week, I’m going to try and and fill it with as much activity and peace as I possibly can. To help me with that, I am going to be celebrating Kwanzaa with a twist this year.
I’m not sure how many other women are sufferers of menorrhagia. I’m not sure how many other women hold this frustrating condition to themselves. Just about the only thing I am sure of is how much I hate it.
As open and honest as I am with most things on this blog, there are some parts that I just can’t formulate into words.
Let’s see, can I provide a visual?