Posts Tagged ‘family’

2WW Grief & Anxiety

 

2ww Grief 2

I had to take a few weeks to myself while nearing the end of our IVF journey because I was battling extreme anxiety and wanted to be as focused as possible.  But have no fear!  I have been documenting all the while, so that all my thoughts would be fresh and that I’ll be able to share with you what has been going on once I was a safe distance from it. The following are my actual thoughts while enduring everyone’s dreaded two week wait between transfer and beta testing.

Regina

 

The 2WW.  I’ve heard tales of it, but honestly, each person’s experience with it is their own I’m learning.  I have my moments of frustration and confusion, but overall I’m too busy to really focus on it much.  I’m not quite ready to pull my hair out, or prepared to run through the pregnancy test aisles of my nearest convenience store.

To be honest, I’m hopeful, but also cognizant of the fact that this may not work. It’s a fact that we all have to acknowledge when embarking on fertility treatments of any kind.  We have to be honest with ourselves and our partners.

I know his/her name.
I know who I believe they will be.
All I don’t know, is if my thoughts align with God’s will.

And in my moments of doubt, I start to feel very strongly that if this doesn’t work,  I will want and need to apologize.

To my job,

Although I’ve tried so hard not to actually take any days off other than retrieval and transfer, I know that mentally, I just wasn’t there for the past couple of months. Working in a child-heavy environment, I have worked SO hard for soo long to keep my fertility issues out of sight, that even with a sore backside and absolutely no energy after driving 40 miles roundtrip for bloodwork, I’ve been still attempting to keep things quiet.  I worry that when this is all over, if I have nothing to show for it, I’ll feel even worse to see that I’ve let my work fall to the wayside.

To my family,

For taking some of them on this fragmented roller coaster ride that I’ve ridden solo for years previous.  I knew this ride was dangerous, so any stress they’ve taken on for me was clearly my fault.  My mom worries, and I’d just be so sorry to have made her take on so much extra stress.  Because, there isn’t much they can actually do.  The shots, the meds, and everything else falls on me and my husband, so really all I’m doing is giving them (possibly) false hope, and I would hate to have done that.

And even

To myself.

For putting myself through shots everyday for the past 60 or so days, and sometimes twice a day.  For irritating my skin with the adhesive backing of estrogen patches.  For almost choking myself with these oddly circular estrogen pills that get stuck in my esophagus four times a day.  I’ve given myself time to process every piece of this journey, by taking myself out of my normal social circles and isolating myself to the point where people have started messaging me and asking if I’m alive and well.  I’ve had to close myself off so that I can focus on these things I’m doing that are so far outside of my comfort zone, (shots, anyone?), and it’s made me feel awkward and anxious.  If this doesn’t work, I’ll worry that I’ll have to repair those connections, while privately licking my wounds, and I wonder how that will change me.

But, I’m sure this is all normal, right?

All these feelings of trying to protect myself from hoping too much, while trying to keep myself at optimum performance.  Resisting the urge to POAS because I know that if it doesn’t say what I want it to say that I’ll lose the will to keep moving forward.  All of this, from the highest peak to the lowest depth, are all normal feelings.  And hopefully, at the end of this two weeks, they’ll be irrelevant.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Long time no blog.

I know. *slaps own hand*  “Bad Blogger!”  But come on in, have a seat…

If you hang with me on Facebook and Twitter, then you know I haven’t really left, but that I’ve just been extremely more quiet about what is going on inside my own journey.    There’s good reason, I promise.   (more…)

Dear Braxton Sisters…

Dear Toni, Towanda, Traci, Trina, and the “Diva That is She”, Tamar, LOL

I just watched the season finale of your reality show and was absolutely floored at the candor and gentleness with which your family responded after learning about the fertility issues Tamar and Vincent are facing.   I applaud each of you for not making your baby sister feel uncomfortable.  For taking her feelings and situation to heart and reacting with hope and love.  You have NO idea how important that is to someone who is facing such an unexpected blow to their life plan.  That meant the world.

Towanda, to offer your assistance as a gestational carrier for Tamar without hesitation, was such a selfless and loving act.   I was also moved by your words that every woman should have the opportunity to become a mother if they desire.  This very fundamental belief is one that many of us who deal with infertility have to fight to get across.  That you GOT it, even as someone who is already a mother, meant  more than I think you know.   Finally, to say “YOU WILL”, when Tamar was saying “What if I can’t,” was PRICELESS and powerful.  Thank you.

Tamar, first and foremost, as a reality star I’m sure you are no stranger to discussing personal issues in front of the world and are pretty used to being in a fishbowl, but I wanted to take this opportunity to say from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for taking the world into that fertility discussion with you.  I am consistently floored by women and men in the African American community who are so very sure that our race isn’t a part of the 7.3 million people who are dealing with fertility issues.  That being said, it was a powerful statement, even through your usual jokes and sarcasm, for people to see a young, African American couple dealing with fertility challenges.

Many people who watch or have seen parts of Braxton Family Values usually fall into the “Love Tamar” or “Hate Tamar” categories.  I’m biased, because in my house, I’m the “EXTRA” person, who has always said things to people like “Get your life together”, and is quick to cover up my feelings with my dry wit, so I can relate to you.  For that reason, I personally feel that if more people looked past your delivery into the feelings that are behind them, there would be far more in the love bracket.  I watched the discussions between you and your sisters concerning your fears and thoughts about fertility treatments, and while you were blunt and at times a bit brash, what I saw was a young woman who was trying to figure out how to grasp the situation for herself and also how to explain that situation to the people she loved.

This emotional hurdle is one that many of us have to face.  When that diagnosis comes down, and the road to parenthood seems much longer and rougher than we’d originally thought, we start to question if it is what we even want.  Do I really want to be pregnant at all if its going to be this expensive/difficult/invasive?  Do I want to gain that weight?  Am I sure that I’m not just compensating for something that could be really solved by a good shopping trip or change of scenery?

The answer is usually yes.  We want to be mothers.  Which leads to another point of discomfort when we start to think beyond what we want, and start thinking about what those who love us, want for us.  My mother would love a grandchild from me.  My husband would love a child of our own.  My sisters and brother would love a niece or nephew.  How will I tell them that I may not be able to give them that?

So we cover it up with vague explanations and joking responses, and we talk about it in a “no big deal” tone, when it is really beating us up inside.  I could be wrong, but that is what I saw as you talked to your family.  I felt as though I’ve done that “yeah so I’m gonna have to do this other thing” conversation myself before, and my heart wanted to hug you.  We do have to work on a little of your phrasing about certain fertility terms, LOL, but above all else I wish you and Vincent nothing but the very best, and pray that things work out in a way that best suits the two of you.

I was about to let this episode get past me without mentioning it here on The Egg, but I couldn’t.  The vision and voice was too important.  I sincerely thank each of you for being what you always are if nothing else, and that is honest.

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

P.S.   I TOTALLY bought The Braxton’s CD TWICE back in the day, and still think “Where’s the Good in Goodbye” is a sleeper cut.  Thanks for being a part of my  high school soundtrack. LOL

P.P.S.  Z-PHI Towanda and Traci!

Good Mornin, Metformin

So, it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to actually POST some tidbits here on the site.  And it is all your fault.  See, most of you follow The Egg on Facebook and we have such great conversations there, that by the time I get over here, I have nothing else to say because we’ve talked it to death over the course of a day!

But, getting back to what this site was created for, and beyond the “business” sides, I have to get my thoughts out once more.  And, even in the year 2012…some people don’t use Facebook.  I know, I know, perish the thought.  But it dawned on me that for those who don’t use Big Blue, there is little to no way of knowing what is going on right now with me if I don’t post it here.  So here I am.  Have a seat, let’s chat. (more…)

BBE Rewind: The Fertile Kwanzaa: Ujima!

Originally published 12.28.10 @ 8:36am

Harambee!!

Habari Ghani? (What’s the News?)

Today is the third day of Kwanzaa.  Today’s principle is Ujima: Collective Work and Responsibility.   This principle is one that I love because it is the very reason for The Egg.   The purpose of Ujima is that we are to “build and maintain our community together and make our brothers’ and sisters’ problems our problems, and to solve them together“.  That is what this very blog has been based upon.

The greatest compliment that I receive from the infertility community is in regards to my transparency.  I say what you want to say but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to.  I rant and rave when you can’t, and I try my best to let it all, (or most of it), hang out.  This is what drove me to start this blog, and later the organization.

Many have called me flighty or unrealistic for it, but from the time I was a very young girl, I have always believed that people would treat one another better if they only took the time to see where the other person was coming from.  That if we were all as honest as we could be, we would have no way to hate or mistreat because we’d get to the bottom of what is making us tick.  I was always the kid asking bullies why they were bullying me, or the person in the clique who would say, “hey guys, cut it out, she has feelings too”.  It’s just who I am.

Actually, it’s who my grandmother made me to be.  When I think of this principle today, I think of her, actually, as she’s been on my mind since my aunt gave us restored photos of her for Christmas.  My grandmother was a lover of service and a believer in collective work and responsibility.

My Grandmother As a Teen

My grandmother at 17! Ain't she purrrty?!

Her home was open, which is very much a part of where I get my philosophy on how adoption is a relative term. If you needed a mother, aunt, sister, etc., she was that. She was always willing to pick up a cause, and her own issues didn’t really take up much space in her head.  Getting breast cancer, made her an advocate for breast cancer awareness and support.  Though she died of complications from that cancer on my birthday, fifteen years ago, I can remember that even as she was sick, she couldn’t help but care for other people who had less of a support system or who were just in need of someone to talk to.

She was a housewife by all accounts, but she used that to her advantage, often using me as her legs and hands to pick up donations for others, or to drop off gifts to sick and shut-ins.  With that example, I had no choice but to learn how to serve and make others feel comfortable even in their ailments.

Because of her, I actually have a low tolerance for people who complain but DON’T serve or cause change.  I can’t help it. From what she taught me, I find that every disparity we think we have, is an opportunity to encourage someone else.  Every trial is a testimony in disguise.

The issues of the world are MY issues because I’m a part of this world.  On a smaller scale, it is what makes me such a big part of the infertility community.  To know how I feel to see that period every month, or to hear that same wretched report from my doctor, or to feel the way I do as a wife or daughter, I cannot help but to think of how YOU feel.  I can’t help but to want to help YOU find your voice.  I can’t help but to want to HELP.

Your problems are my problems.  Through this blog, and the connections I’m allowed to make because of it, I pray that God allows me the opportunity to help you solve some of yours.  And by what we both learn, I pray we are also given the opportunity to help our younger sisters and brothers so that they don’t have to start from scratch.

Because of this, I work my hardest to never censor myself here.  I work hard to make sure that you feel safe here.  I will continue to work hard to make sure that you have a place to sound off.  And I hope that through my example, you do the same for someone else.  It’s about ALL of us.  Sometimes, it takes a Village to MAKE a child just as much as it does to RAISE one.

I know this post went a bit more serious than I’d originally planned, or than you expected, but the point of it all is that I hope you find your own ways to relate to the principle of Ujima!  If you blog about something dear to you that you wish to share, you’re doing it.  If you speak up to someone who needs to know that what they’re going through is okay because you’ve been there, you’re doing it!  I’m already proud of you, feel free to share.

BBE Rewind: A Fertile Kwanzaa?

Originally Published 12.27.2010 8:13 pm

 

Happy Kwanzaa! I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas!  I had a restful one, for a change, with much less stress from running around as it usually entails.  As for this week, I’m going to try and and fill it with as much activity and peace as I possibly can.  To help me with that, I am going to be celebrating Kwanzaa with a twist this year.

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