Originally Published 12.31.10 @ 9:56am
Nia & Kuumba!
Kwanzaa day five(yesterday) was Nia, which means Purpose. As we walk the tightrope of fertility feelings, this is the thought that may become hardest to pinpoint. While I was totally perturbed yesterday when my server wouldn’t let me get my post out to you, as I thought about today’s principle, I realized that it was probably a divine,…well,… purpose, that may have led to that delay.
Today’s principle is Kuumba which means creativity. As I thought about the combination of Nia and Kuumba, I was stuck for a moment as I tried to think about how these two principles have affected my journey. I grasped the concept of Nia instantly because if there is anything that I have eventually come to terms with, it is my purpose in this journey. I have come to believe wholeheartedly that the reason for my issues with fertility, are rooted in my being here for you. I feel that I deal with this issue so that I can help you deal with yours. That thought gives me peace.
The great IF can be extremely lonely. Even for those of us fortunate enough to have a supportive partner or spouse, it can often feel like one of the most isolating experiences one has ever had the misfortune of enduring. For my husband and I, it sometimes became more divisive when we were actively “trying” than when we were casually planning. He felt like I was obsessing, and I felt like he wasn’t obsessing enough. Eventually, things just get to a real low point.
Two years ago, we hit that point.
Try as he might, and he did try, my poor dude just couldn’t cheer me up. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and unhappy with the amount of failures that were piling up for us reproductively. And as cliche as it seems, I was suddenly overcome with the desire to take care of something. To feel important and necessary.
So, when I originally became a member of the embattled, tough girls of infertility lifestyle, I thought the best way to make myself strong, was to completely act un-phased by things that were the cliche and highly stereotypical discomforts for infertile women. People assume that we are all textbook cases of teen -pregnancy haters, bitter stepmothers, and weepy weak women who can’t bare to lay eyes on children until they have their own. I was so busy avoiding becoming that woman, that I totally have been blindsided by my newest archnemesis: “Crazy with Anticipation Paranoia Chick”
Seriously, if you haven’t met or become her, consider yourself lucky.