Posts Tagged ‘Random Thoughts’

Casting Pearls…(Or the Sacredness of Names)

We hold names sacred in the infertility community.

They are our little secret smirks at fate.

They symbolize the victory we’re hoping for.  They are precursors to rainbows.

A horizon we can barely see, but one we are trying desperately to get a view of. (more…)

The Best of Times…The Worst of Times

I warn you, not to watch this.
And yet I have to share it.
A father breaks down while explaining one of the hardest points in his life. Attending to the very real pain of grief during the day, and wading through a career as a comedian at night.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
But I have to share it.
Because this is the EXACT feeling I have been trying to convey for months now.  This feeling that everything is going swell, and yet going horribly all at once.
The feeling of knowing that although something is dying in our lives, we still have to go to work.
Even as something is passing away in us, we still have to communicate.
All the while something is breaking us down,  we have to express joy in the “good” things that have come our way in the meantime.
And nobody knows what is really happening underneath.
When this video ended, I was in tears.
Not just for HIS pain.
But because he understood mine.

For the past 9 months, EVERY DAY has been an up and down roller-coaster of feelings.
I go into the doctor’s office in the morning and hear no good news, I get to work in the afternoon and get praised for something.
I excel in my social obligations on the weekends, I spend the weeknights curled in my bed.
I am kicking life’s ass personally and professionally, and it is kicking mine emotionally and physically.

And no one gets it!  You can write it out,  talk until you’re blue, draw a diagram, and people will still want you at work in the morning, at church on Sunday, and at their party/babyshower/ladies night on Saturday.  They placate you with soft “Oh, you poor thing”‘s and emoticon you with (((hugs))), but they don’t actually get it.

All they know is that you’re in a pissy mood.  All they see is that you didn’t show up to that thingamajig.  All they know is that you aren’t yourself.

There is an INCREDIBLE isolation felt.  A dynamic feeling that life is interfering with life.  That you can’t be YOU.  That life will NOT slow down and let you get your breath because you aren’t entitled to that.  You just keep riding downhill in this car, even-though you know the brakes are out, and you can only pray that there is a gentle tree to stop the incline.

I finally reached a break in my menorrhagia last week.  I had my body to myself for about four days and then promptly got food poisoning.  LOL  Because that’s how fly I am.   But overall, I’m in somewhat of a better place.  I’m a little less snarky this week.  I feel a tiny piece of joy returning to my workday.   I don’t want to retreat from human contact nearly as much.

And I’m grateful for that.

But I know that it’s only a matter of time before things start rolling down that hill again.  And I’m going to have to get up and come to work, and make teenagers happy (oh, the horror), and care about eating food during the day, and make myself respond to phone calls and text messages, and make myself smile at photos, and encourage myself to listen when people talk to me.

Only this time, this video will be in my head.  And I’ll be trying to make myself also remember that while I’m dying, so is the person in front of me.  The cashier at the grocery store.  The attendant at the gas station.  That friend of mine.  And yes, even the comedian on my television screen.

You NEVER know what someone is going through.

So treat EVERYONE with the same care and compassion that YOU need.

Today’s Needs

I feel blah today.

I blame the hormone therapy.

I don’t have much to say.

Because most of it will come out angsty and harsh.

But I did want to share this,

Because it’s how I feel today,

And maybe its what you need.

So,

Here.

When You Aren’t Where You Thought You’d Be

My pastor’s sermon this morning was bittersweet for me.  It was titled “The nearest Exit May Be Behind You.”  Well, doggone it.  That’s true.  Truer still for me today, on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week, when I’m actually feeling that sentiment. (more…)

Take Comfort. Fear Not.

I’ve tossed around these words a lot today via social media.

I’ve looked them over in scripture, and found them to be a couple of my favorite phrases found in the bible.  But not for the reasons you may think.  I find them helpful, but I have to admit that I also generally laugh at them.

Let me explain.

See, I have a bland, Paul Rudd-like sense of humor.  And these two phrases always seem to represent a moment when someone is being told something truly frightening or terrible, but in a way that kinda says, “Yeah, but you’re gonna have to man up about it and it’ll be cool in a bit.”  Or, they tell the person to “take comfort” in some small consolation that pales in comparison to whatever badness is about to go down.

Now, while reading these passages, its usually the people being told this stuff  that usually get me scratching my head, because (with the exception of Jonah) they never seem to say, “Um, no…I’m going to freak the heck out and do something else until you get this sorted out.”

And THAT confuses me more than anything.

I mean, if we’re being honest, we all want to do that, right?  We see the humongous homework assignment in front of us and we’d much rather accept the failing grade.  We think about cleaning our kitchen, and instantly remember the pizza coupon we got in the mail. When we think of things that seem difficult, we immediately try to think of how not to do whatever that thing is.

So the idea of being told to take comfort, when clearly all the alarms are ringing, feels like insanity.

But then I started to really focus on the words.

TAKE comfort.

I’m a stickler for a good literal translation.

Nobody ever says, “Try and get comfortable”, or even, “Hope for comfort’.  They flat out tell you to take it.  And I agree with them there.

It is ridiculous to think that these things we’re going through, from the insane diagnoses to repeated failures, are going to make us comfortable.  For most of us, even being “fine”, is a stretch.  But I refuse to accept any station that leaves me feeling hopeless.  And you shouldn’t either.

The holidays bring out the best and the worst in people.  People are going to be bubbly in their emotions and want to wish all kinds of miracles into your womb.  They’re also going to smile lovingly at you and your partner and ask sweetly what you’re waiting on.

YOU, yourself are going to wonder why you couldn’t have this ONE thing you wanted most from Santa and the Stork.

You may get to feeling down.

You may begin to get depressed.

You may begin to question any and everything, and it may make you lose sight of the goodness you do have in your life.

When you start to feel that way in these next couple of weeks, I want you to pause for a moment and do me (and yourself) one favor:

TAKE COMFORT.

Don’t think about it.  Don’t wonder about what to do next.  Don’t worry about what people are going to think.

Find a way to make this year different.  Take your comfort, and KEEP taking it.

And while you’re at it, Fear Not.

If you must be afraid, that is, Fear Not enjoying your life.  You only get one.

Fear NOT being thankful for where you are RIGHT NOW.  It’s a good place to be, regardless of how you feel.

Fear NOT finding your strength.  You have more of it than you know.

Fear NOT  believing.  Hope is a terrible thing to lose.

I love you more than you can even imagine.  Have a happy holiday, Eggshells.  From my (two person) family to yours.

Townsend Family Portrait by LloveStudio.com
Ornament Photo Credit
 

The Cake Is A Lie

I’m a gamer.
Have I told you guys that before?
If not, then let me say it proudly now.  I am a gamer.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband playing too many video games.  I’m the wife who complains because he’s hogging the Playstation when I want to get on.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband spending too much money at Gamestop.  I’m the wife who’s upset she can’t buy more than two games at a time.

That being said, I’m also a librarian.  So when I find a game that I like, I tend to overdose on it.  I dissect it, pulling out parts that I can study and theorize.  I go into game overload. LOL
This summer, one of those games was Portal 2.

A highly addictive puzzle game, Portal 2 became my LIFE for three weeks until I beat the game.  The idea behind Portal is that a sadistic computer named GLADOS is making you complete these physically and mentally challenging trials all while promising that they are not intended to hurt you, and that at the end of it all, you’ll be given a celebration!   With cake!

You’re to jump through hoops, dodge bullets, evade sentries and even cross fire, with the belief that there will be a cake party for you waiting at the end.  I mean, who wouldn’t endure all for cake?  Who wouldn’t continue to follow directions if they knew there was a chance for reward?

As  the game progresses, however, you begin to find secret messages scrawled around the walls.  They vary from ridiculous random words, to finally one sentence that stands out, “The Cake is a Lie.”  At first, you’re so caught up in completing the puzzles, that you can’t understand what it means.  Then it dawns on you.

The cake is a lie.  This evil supercomputer has you risking your life…just for sport.  She has no cake for you.  You could die, trying to “win”, and it wouldn’t matter because there is no “winning”.

How many times have you had an “I did everything right” moment?
I’m on moment 21 of just this week.

I was upset about my health and my dreams, and feeling very much cheated.
Not that life isn’t pretty good on the whole.  And not that God hasn’t blessed me with more than I’d imagined.  No, the truth is that He has and it is.
What frustrates me to no end is the fact that those blessings are all happenstance for the most part.
“Go to school to get a good job”, isn’t quite as accurate these days.
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes babies”…we’ve learned is also equal to b.s. at times.
1+1 does not always equal 2.
The cake is a lie.
And it hurts.
And to tell the truth, I don’t think it hurts because we really wanted the promised results.  I believe what hurts is feeling as though our control was false.  Our power in the situation never really existed.   I think we aren’t even mad that we were lied to, but because we believed so strongly that eventually we were lying to ourselves.
You can do everything “right”.
You can find the partner, fall in love, get married, buy the house, and still not have the home you imagined.
You can get the grades, get into the school, attain the degree, and still be on the unemployment line.
This is true.
And yes, it sucks.
BUT,
You can also be in the wrong place at the right time and walk away with a friend you didn’t know you needed.
You can start a blog about your greatest pain and meet a horde of inspiring people you never would have known otherwise.
You can chart and plan, only to find that you were meant to be the adoptive parent some child needed.
You can get a life you never imagined, even when you don’t get the life you dreamed of.
The cake is a lie.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Grab a spoon.  I’m hoping you get your slice real soon.

photo credit: savit keawtavee

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