There were more appointments then ever. And instead of reading about people talking about beating PCOS and drifting into motherhood, the talk had turned to talk to exclusively the word miscarriage. That word could strike fear in my heart like no needle ever could and it was suddenly everywhere.
Oh my God, could I have come this far only to spend every set aside dime and then lose my baby?!? This never was a thought to me until we started with the injections. The second I was asked to spend a lump sum, and get down to penniless for this “project”, it occurred to me that women lose babies everyday. I wanted to think of the worst case scenario and ask myself if I could handle whatever that was. Could I deal with the bills I was getting from the infertility clinic, the money I’d spent trying to get pregnant, the surgeries I’d had and then the possible threat of miscarriage?
I had never asked myself that question before, I was afraid to. I never brought the word up. I thought if I didn’t, it would definitely decrease my chances of it and at least preserve my sanity. But, suddenly people were coming forward bringing that word to me and I could not escape the thought.
I thought the entire time, I would get pregnant and that this would all be over. No one warned me that this is not a fight for the weak and that it lasts a lifetime. I was never this tough.
If I knew then, what I know now, I might have never started this fight. My story is just what I described in previous posts, and to be honest I’d spent too much money to quit. After breaking my flexible spending account in February of 2011, like a bad gambling habit I was too far gone. The former me could never inject herself in the stomach with anything, and would never have paid that much for an injection of anything.
This past week, I was absolutely floored to see a good blog buddy, Jay, over at The 2 Week Wait be heckled on her site because she is currently pregnant. A reader basically got offended that the site discusses infertility at all, and ranted that Jay should rename it because she is obviously no longer in “the wait”. This hurt my heart because it adds just one more hurdle for this community. Infertility is hard enough without adding the fear of success onto the fear of failure. We need as many voices in this fight as possible, and that includes those of us who’ve made it to the other side. Isn’t that the goal, anyway?
Followers of The Egg, know that from time to time, one brave sister, Mimi, or BrokenBrownBelle as we call her, submits an entry that chronicles her personal infertility battles. In this three-part post, she will describe just how it feels to be a pregnant infertile who is finally close to being on that other side.
It’s been so long since I’ve had a plan, that I’m not even sure how to execute one anymore. LOL
I believe I’ve come to an actual decision about where to go from here. My mind was jumbled and it was leading me down that dark alleyway we call depression. Anyone who has stepped foot into the IF arena knows that depression is counterproductive to say the least. In trying to find solutions to the brain-cloud that was following me around, I decided that I need to be as organized and color-coded as a kindergarten teacher! The way I see it, being on top of my demands will help clear my head of clutter. So that’s my plan.
Anybody else have to treat themselves like a 4 yr-old to get things done? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?
Okay FINE, so it’s just me!?
Whatever. You guys are gonna admit it when you leave. I know you will.
BlackCelebKids posted this picture in their Hot Topics yesterday and my jaw hit my toes.
This billboard, is a part of an ad campaign by the pro-life group LifeAlways.
A billboard that reads, “The most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb,” has been placed in the heart of SoHo by Life Always™ as a part of a new national campaign to expose the truth about how Planned Parenthood targets minority neighborhoods as they perform over 300,000 abortions a year. This particular billboard is about half a mile from a Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Life Always board member Stephen Broden said that Planned Parenthood has had a devastating effect on the sustainability of the African American population.”
In case you’ve been out of the loop, there has been huge interest in Planned Parenthood since last week, when the House of Representatives, voted to strip the 95 year old organization of its federal funding. The decision was wrapped up in frilly bows and tape, but the bare bones of the matter is that it is centered around the pro-life movement. Because Planned Parenthood does in fact offer abortion services, these crafty legislators feel that they would much rather leave the three million people who use the clinics without care, than be involved with such an organization.
I don’t know that pregnant women understand the work that goes into trying to be genuinely happy for them sometimes. We stifle all our feelings and sadness trying to do our best to put on a happy face and think about the bigger picture. Then they go and %$& it…