Posts Tagged ‘Miscellaneous Rants’

The Best of Times…The Worst of Times

I warn you, not to watch this.
And yet I have to share it.
A father breaks down while explaining one of the hardest points in his life. Attending to the very real pain of grief during the day, and wading through a career as a comedian at night.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
But I have to share it.
Because this is the EXACT feeling I have been trying to convey for months now.  This feeling that everything is going swell, and yet going horribly all at once.
The feeling of knowing that although something is dying in our lives, we still have to go to work.
Even as something is passing away in us, we still have to communicate.
All the while something is breaking us down,  we have to express joy in the “good” things that have come our way in the meantime.
And nobody knows what is really happening underneath.
When this video ended, I was in tears.
Not just for HIS pain.
But because he understood mine.

For the past 9 months, EVERY DAY has been an up and down roller-coaster of feelings.
I go into the doctor’s office in the morning and hear no good news, I get to work in the afternoon and get praised for something.
I excel in my social obligations on the weekends, I spend the weeknights curled in my bed.
I am kicking life’s ass personally and professionally, and it is kicking mine emotionally and physically.

And no one gets it!  You can write it out,  talk until you’re blue, draw a diagram, and people will still want you at work in the morning, at church on Sunday, and at their party/babyshower/ladies night on Saturday.  They placate you with soft “Oh, you poor thing”‘s and emoticon you with (((hugs))), but they don’t actually get it.

All they know is that you’re in a pissy mood.  All they see is that you didn’t show up to that thingamajig.  All they know is that you aren’t yourself.

There is an INCREDIBLE isolation felt.  A dynamic feeling that life is interfering with life.  That you can’t be YOU.  That life will NOT slow down and let you get your breath because you aren’t entitled to that.  You just keep riding downhill in this car, even-though you know the brakes are out, and you can only pray that there is a gentle tree to stop the incline.

I finally reached a break in my menorrhagia last week.  I had my body to myself for about four days and then promptly got food poisoning.  LOL  Because that’s how fly I am.   But overall, I’m in somewhat of a better place.  I’m a little less snarky this week.  I feel a tiny piece of joy returning to my workday.   I don’t want to retreat from human contact nearly as much.

And I’m grateful for that.

But I know that it’s only a matter of time before things start rolling down that hill again.  And I’m going to have to get up and come to work, and make teenagers happy (oh, the horror), and care about eating food during the day, and make myself respond to phone calls and text messages, and make myself smile at photos, and encourage myself to listen when people talk to me.

Only this time, this video will be in my head.  And I’ll be trying to make myself also remember that while I’m dying, so is the person in front of me.  The cashier at the grocery store.  The attendant at the gas station.  That friend of mine.  And yes, even the comedian on my television screen.

You NEVER know what someone is going through.

So treat EVERYONE with the same care and compassion that YOU need.

Stop the Ride, I Wanna Get Off.

So…

This will be one of those TMI, tell-all posts.

Let me give a couple of you some time to clear the room if that’s not what you’re here for:
Photobucket

There now,

So, I’m annoyed and confused today.

Purpose of D&C & hysteroscopy – To diagnose and stop irregular bleeding
Result of D&C – 9 days more of irregular bleeding.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:
Be patient, Regina! That’s completely normal!  These things take time… blah, blah, blah.

But let me hip you to something I’ve been keeping silent for a while out of embarrassment, frustration, and a self-destructive need to make sure no one sees the kinks in my armor:

Out of the past 90 days, I have bled in some form or fashion for a total of 67.

SIXTY-F@#%-SEVEN.
I have bled longer than Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada were married.
If I bleed another 6 days, I will have also outlasted the nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries.
In the time that I’ve bled, cats, armadillos, bobcats, mice, rabbits,  some dog breeds, and many other animal species have fully gestated.

Are you seeing why I’m pissed?  Just a bit?

I’ve taken Estrogen supplements, Glucophage, Birth Control Pills, Thyroid meds…and yet nothing.

I’ve purchased approximately EIGHT boxes of Always…each with 32  pads included.

See these special Always boxes that come with the free Modeez Sanitary packs?  Yeah, I got FOUR Modeez now.

 

I’m tired of being tough.
I’m tired of being resilient.
I’m tired of acting like I’m not feeling like I’m literally bleeding to death.
I’m tired of nurses saying, “Yes, but are you bleeding through more than one pad in an hour”, in condescending tones.
I’m tired of feeling eeks and squeaks whenever I sneeze, or stand up too fast, or at random times while sitting absolutely still.
I’m tired of EVERY television show, magazine, book, and conversation being about sex and babies….to point out that I can have neither.
I’m tired of looking at my husband and HATING that he deserves better that what I am capable of providing at the moment because I’m depressed, and infertile, and uncomfortable, and hormonal.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m wearing a diaper every day.
I’m tired of being angry.
I’m tired of being sad.
I’m tired of being told to pray.
I’m just tired.
And I felt it necessary to say that today.

Out loud for a change.

Because who am I helping with this website that I’m paying for, if I don’t tell it all?  Especially since that’s what I started the site for.  And how am I even helping ME, if I’m not using this website that I’m paying for, as my venting space. And what more damage will I do to myself if I don’t shout?

I called my doctor today.  Because once again I felt that I’d reached my breaking point.  I was told that this is normal.  This post-op “spotting” as they call it.  And I don’t know, maybe under different circumstances I’d be okay with that answer.  Maybe if I hadn’t already been experiencing it for the past 60+ days then I could not feel so defeated when the nurse once again tells me that “if it isn’t bleeding through one pad in an hour, I can just wait until my follow-up appointment next THURSDAY”.

Next Thursday.

Next Thursday is 5 days, 127 hours, 7628 minutes, 457706 seconds, and another 30 Always pads away.

At this point in my life, next Thursday is practically a year from now.

And I have lots of curse words floating around in my head to punctuate my feelings about that.

I just don’t understand any of this.

Photobucket

Today’s Needs

I feel blah today.

I blame the hormone therapy.

I don’t have much to say.

Because most of it will come out angsty and harsh.

But I did want to share this,

Because it’s how I feel today,

And maybe its what you need.

So,

Here.

Fear and Loathing

His name was Trayvon Martin.

And he could very well have been the son I’m trying for.

And that scares me. (more…)

Take Comfort. Fear Not.

I’ve tossed around these words a lot today via social media.

I’ve looked them over in scripture, and found them to be a couple of my favorite phrases found in the bible.  But not for the reasons you may think.  I find them helpful, but I have to admit that I also generally laugh at them.

Let me explain.

See, I have a bland, Paul Rudd-like sense of humor.  And these two phrases always seem to represent a moment when someone is being told something truly frightening or terrible, but in a way that kinda says, “Yeah, but you’re gonna have to man up about it and it’ll be cool in a bit.”  Or, they tell the person to “take comfort” in some small consolation that pales in comparison to whatever badness is about to go down.

Now, while reading these passages, its usually the people being told this stuff  that usually get me scratching my head, because (with the exception of Jonah) they never seem to say, “Um, no…I’m going to freak the heck out and do something else until you get this sorted out.”

And THAT confuses me more than anything.

I mean, if we’re being honest, we all want to do that, right?  We see the humongous homework assignment in front of us and we’d much rather accept the failing grade.  We think about cleaning our kitchen, and instantly remember the pizza coupon we got in the mail. When we think of things that seem difficult, we immediately try to think of how not to do whatever that thing is.

So the idea of being told to take comfort, when clearly all the alarms are ringing, feels like insanity.

But then I started to really focus on the words.

TAKE comfort.

I’m a stickler for a good literal translation.

Nobody ever says, “Try and get comfortable”, or even, “Hope for comfort’.  They flat out tell you to take it.  And I agree with them there.

It is ridiculous to think that these things we’re going through, from the insane diagnoses to repeated failures, are going to make us comfortable.  For most of us, even being “fine”, is a stretch.  But I refuse to accept any station that leaves me feeling hopeless.  And you shouldn’t either.

The holidays bring out the best and the worst in people.  People are going to be bubbly in their emotions and want to wish all kinds of miracles into your womb.  They’re also going to smile lovingly at you and your partner and ask sweetly what you’re waiting on.

YOU, yourself are going to wonder why you couldn’t have this ONE thing you wanted most from Santa and the Stork.

You may get to feeling down.

You may begin to get depressed.

You may begin to question any and everything, and it may make you lose sight of the goodness you do have in your life.

When you start to feel that way in these next couple of weeks, I want you to pause for a moment and do me (and yourself) one favor:

TAKE COMFORT.

Don’t think about it.  Don’t wonder about what to do next.  Don’t worry about what people are going to think.

Find a way to make this year different.  Take your comfort, and KEEP taking it.

And while you’re at it, Fear Not.

If you must be afraid, that is, Fear Not enjoying your life.  You only get one.

Fear NOT being thankful for where you are RIGHT NOW.  It’s a good place to be, regardless of how you feel.

Fear NOT finding your strength.  You have more of it than you know.

Fear NOT  believing.  Hope is a terrible thing to lose.

I love you more than you can even imagine.  Have a happy holiday, Eggshells.  From my (two person) family to yours.

Townsend Family Portrait by LloveStudio.com
Ornament Photo Credit
 

The Important Part is Past the Fear

So, I was having a pretty rotten evening at work last night.  Not completely rotten, just one of those times where every parent that visited the library seemed to be one who just didn’t need to be a parent.  Yelling at their children, or just being verbally harsh.  Letting their toddlers play without supervision so they could troll Facebook.  Etc…You know, stupid crap.
I’m tired, irritable, and more than a bit ready to go home when one of our regular patrons, a young boy, comes in with his father.
(more…)

1 2 3 4 5 11