And with a new attitude, and a new look to go with it!
So I had to take some time away from The Egg in blog form. You’d think, being a writer, that writing would get me through one of the hardest experiences I’ve had to face since starting on this journey, but in truth, I wanted nothing more than to just be silent and allow myself to come down to a simmer. I have never been so angry, and hurt, and confused as I was the first half of this year.
Our kinship adoption fell through, and with that, came the hell of kinship foster care. Now, let me say, that in the ideal situation, both of those scenarios can be beautiful and thriving for everyone involved, and that my personal situation should not be the reason for you or anyone else you know to not take the opportunity if it comes your way. I was hurt, yes, but if Doc Brown came by with the Delorean today, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
Because despite the ignorant adults and bureaucratic cronies we encountered, this was never about any of them. It was about one little person, who didn’t ask to be born, but who needed to be loved when she was. We did that. We did that impeccably.
So to God be the glory.
I’m not over it, but I’m through it.
And I’m back with a vengeance.
In about 8 hours, I am going to my third visit with Fertility Centers of Illinois, to undergo a saline ultrasound, and as uncomfortable as that is going to be, I couldn’t be more excited. It’s like my birthday present to myself. PROGRESS. It’s the best gift I can give me.
That ultrasound, symbolizes that I am moving forward. It is one more way that I am boldly telling the universe that I am reclaiming my year. I am reclaiming my time. I am reclaiming my hope.
And if there is one thing you NEVER want to let someone get, when you want them to be stagnant, is their HOPE.
I got mine.
And I’m determined as hell, to help you get, keep, or maintain yours.
So the Egg is back, refurbished, and refocused. I am dedicating myself to taking you with me on this journey, as I’ve always done, but also in thinking forward into the success I plan to achieve, I want to also ensure that there is a legacy of information, collaboration, and awareness begun. I am aligning myself with individuals and organizations who seek to empower infertility patients, put information in the hands of those who need it and don’t yet know they do, and stand on the front-lines of our legislative needs.
Are you with me?
Because I am definitely with you.
Let’s get it.
Four years has gone by so fast.
I am honored and proud to be considered a voice in the infertility community. When I began The Egg, I was attempting to get my own thoughts out while also making it plain to the world at large that African American couples were in dire need of courage to speak about our reproductive health. As the years have progressed, the individuals and now even families who follow me here on my site, and also on social media, are of all colors, all backgrounds, and all situations.
Straight couples, lesbian couples, single women, divorced women, engaged women and young women have all reached out to me in some form or fashion just to say thanks for being a voice, and I am humbled. I thank YOU. Every single day, for the past four years, I have been able to talk to someone and have my feelings heard. I have been able to speak about what matters to me and where I want to see us grow. (more…)
Apologies for the delay, but even a year later, this post seems to be RIGHT on time.
The final installment of BrokenBrownBelle’s journey to her daughter, Buttercup. (more…)
On the way home from one of our Thanksgiving visits, my husband asked me a seemingly innocent question about whether or not I’d be free to do something on a particular date next week. I paused for a moment, tried to think on it, and then had to tell him that without my calendar in front of me, I really didn’t know. I laughed about that and then told him that it was kind of strange that I couldn’t really remember what life was like back when I knew my schedule off the top of my head. I literally could not remember a time where I had fewer things to do, and didn’t feel as burned out.
I know what some of you are thinking. “So what? I never know my schedule either. It comes with being a busy adult.” True. You’re absolutely right. I am a busy person and it only makes sense that my days have to be outlined and scheduled. That wasn’t what unnerved me. What unnerved me, was the revelation about how I’d gotten so busy all of a sudden, and where my motivations were in the things I now do. While I love my job, and I love my service activities, and I love all these little projects I’ve signed myself up for, it became very clear to me that I started them after my life didn’t go the direction I wanted it to, in the time-frame that I’d expected it to. (more…)
The past couple weeks have been interesting to say the least.
Since learning of my blocked and useless fallopian tubes, I went on to have the period from hell…Again. This time, our new record is off and on for upwards of 37 days.
After a pretty aggressive medication regimen, my doctor and I finally decided to pull out the heavy artillery and press the reset button by scheduling a D&C and hysteroscopy.
Cue “Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuun” sound effects.
Now, leading up to this surgery, I was in quite the peculiar and bitchtastic mood, let me tell you. Hopped up on hormone pills and whatnot is not the way to keep a mellow attitude. I fell into a deep dark hole called, “I’m sick of this shit.” You ever been there? I vacation there often, lately.
I didn’t want to post here.
I didn’t want to dream.
I didn’t want to write.
I didn’t want to do anything but go to work and come home…and they could spare me the work.
And that was hard for me because I’m a tenacious type of person. I don’t like being or feeling defeated. I don’t like feeling hopeless. But I certainly was.
So I spent a lot of evenings in my bedroom.
Laying against my pillow, cruising social media.
Thinking angry thoughts.
In the middle of my angst, however, I did spend a lot of time with one of my favorite social media addictions these days, the virtual pinboard, Pinterest.
Pinterest has a lot of uses. It can be a way to visually collect bookmarks. It can be a way for people to market their merchandise by baiting people to repin photos of it. It can be a lot of things, but what it has the greatest quality in, is creating vision boards.
It’s easy to get lost there for hours and see how other people have curated their dreams into these sprawling boards of hope and planning. People pin quotes, photos, plans, etc. I use my boards as something to look at, work on, believe in.
It was here that I regained my footing.
It is here that I want you to gain some of yours as well.
I want you to take a little time and come out of your shell. Take the opportunity to dream out loud, boldly and in full color. Let’s get creative.
What I’m proposing is that you use Pinterest to visually take a step out into the advocacy arena. Either for the infertility community as a whole, or just for yourself. From now until September 24th, I am asking all my Eggshells to join me in celebrating possibility.
Using Pinterest, I want you to create a one of two or both kinds of the following boards:
Advocacy Board: create a board that deals with Infertility Awareness, PCOS Awareness, or Adoption Awareness, etc. Pin articles, photos, or procedures that give the world a better view of what it is like to live this infertility life and of the conditions which have led you down this path.
Here’s Mine: “The Great IF: What It Looks, Feels, and Sounds like“
One Day Mom Board: Create a board for your future. Pin articles, photos, or ideas that you will use when you become a mom. Adoption maternity photo shoot ideas, Birth Announcements, Homemade Baby Food How-To’s. Whatever it is that you want to be or do as a mom, pin it.
Here’s Mine: “YeYo“
For an added plus, you can use the hashtag #BBEShellShocked on any pins that you want to be located through The Broken Brown Egg. I will have a link here on the site for people to catch up on our boards and any pins with that tag will pop up. Tell others, invite family and friends to view your board. Use it to come out of the infertility closet.
When I was at my lowest, I found it very hard to dream. Hope was at a small, small level in my heart. Dreaming, however, put me back on track to move forward. I want the same for you. And if we can enlighten the world to what WE go through at the same time, then all the better.
My pastor’s sermon this morning was bittersweet for me. It was titled “The nearest Exit May Be Behind You.” Well, doggone it. That’s true. Truer still for me today, on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week, when I’m actually feeling that sentiment. (more…)