Many times I’ve gotten private messages from those who wonder if I personally have a spiritual take on my own situation. They ask me if I have a relationship with God. I do. A discussion on faith, and the results of my hysteroscopy…
There were more appointments then ever. And instead of reading about people talking about beating PCOS and drifting into motherhood, the talk had turned to talk to exclusively the word miscarriage. That word could strike fear in my heart like no needle ever could and it was suddenly everywhere.
Oh my God, could I have come this far only to spend every set aside dime and then lose my baby?!? This never was a thought to me until we started with the injections. The second I was asked to spend a lump sum, and get down to penniless for this “project”, it occurred to me that women lose babies everyday. I wanted to think of the worst case scenario and ask myself if I could handle whatever that was. Could I deal with the bills I was getting from the infertility clinic, the money I’d spent trying to get pregnant, the surgeries I’d had and then the possible threat of miscarriage?
I had never asked myself that question before, I was afraid to. I never brought the word up. I thought if I didn’t, it would definitely decrease my chances of it and at least preserve my sanity. But, suddenly people were coming forward bringing that word to me and I could not escape the thought.
So, it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to actually POST some tidbits here on the site. And it is all your fault. See, most of you follow The Egg on Facebook and we have such great conversations there, that by the time I get over here, I have nothing else to say because we’ve talked it to death over the course of a day!
But, getting back to what this site was created for, and beyond the “business” sides, I have to get my thoughts out once more. And, even in the year 2012…some people don’t use Facebook. I know, I know, perish the thought. But it dawned on me that for those who don’t use Big Blue, there is little to no way of knowing what is going on right now with me if I don’t post it here. So here I am. Have a seat, let’s chat.
So, when I originally became a member of the embattled, tough girls of infertility lifestyle, I thought the best way to make myself strong, was to completely act un-phased by things that were the cliche and highly stereotypical discomforts for infertile women. People assume that we are all textbook cases of teen -pregnancy haters, bitter stepmothers, and weepy weak women who can’t bare to lay eyes on children until they have their own. I was so busy avoiding becoming that woman, that I totally have been blindsided by my newest archnemesis: “Crazy with Anticipation Paranoia Chick”
Seriously, if you haven’t met or become her, consider yourself lucky.
It’s been so long since I’ve had a plan, that I’m not even sure how to execute one anymore. LOL
I believe I’ve come to an actual decision about where to go from here. My mind was jumbled and it was leading me down that dark alleyway we call depression. Anyone who has stepped foot into the IF arena knows that depression is counterproductive to say the least. In trying to find solutions to the brain-cloud that was following me around, I decided that I need to be as organized and color-coded as a kindergarten teacher! The way I see it, being on top of my demands will help clear my head of clutter. So that’s my plan.
Anybody else have to treat themselves like a 4 yr-old to get things done? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?
Okay FINE, so it’s just me!?
Whatever. You guys are gonna admit it when you leave. I know you will.
BlackCelebKids posted this picture in their Hot Topics yesterday and my jaw hit my toes.
This billboard, is a part of an ad campaign by the pro-life group LifeAlways.
A billboard that reads, “The most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb,” has been placed in the heart of SoHo by Life Always™ as a part of a new national campaign to expose the truth about how Planned Parenthood targets minority neighborhoods as they perform over 300,000 abortions a year. This particular billboard is about half a mile from a Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Life Always board member Stephen Broden said that Planned Parenthood has had a devastating effect on the sustainability of the African American population.”
In case you’ve been out of the loop, there has been huge interest in Planned Parenthood since last week, when the House of Representatives, voted to strip the 95 year old organization of its federal funding. The decision was wrapped up in frilly bows and tape, but the bare bones of the matter is that it is centered around the pro-life movement. Because Planned Parenthood does in fact offer abortion services, these crafty legislators feel that they would much rather leave the three million people who use the clinics without care, than be involved with such an organization.