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Fear

hiding-in-plain-sight

Long time no blog.

I know. *slaps own hand*  “Bad Blogger!”  But come on in, have a seat…

 

If you hang with me on Facebook and Twitter, then you know I haven’t really left, but that I’ve just been extremely more quiet about what is going on inside my own journey.    There’s good reason, I promise.  

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in Latest

Sh*t Just Got Real

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You know how you visit a casino already knowing that the house always wins, but get pissed anyway when you lose? Yeah, that just happened. Finally, an actual infertility diagnosis…

in Latest

Fear and Loathing

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His name was Trayvon Martin.

And he could very well have been the son I’m trying for.

And that scares me.

in Latest

BrokenBrownBelle: “The other side of my infertility” Part 3

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There were more appointments then ever. And instead of reading about people talking about beating PCOS and drifting into motherhood, the talk had turned to talk to exclusively the word miscarriage. That word could strike fear in my heart like no needle ever could and  it was suddenly everywhere.

Oh my God, could I have come this far only to spend every set aside dime and then lose my baby?!? This never was a thought to me until we started with the injections. The second I was asked to spend a lump sum, and get down to penniless for this “project”, it occurred to me that women lose babies everyday. I wanted to think of the worst case scenario and ask myself if I could handle whatever that was. Could I deal with the bills I was getting from the infertility clinic, the money I’d spent trying to get pregnant, the surgeries I’d had and then the possible threat of miscarriage?

I had never asked myself that question before, I was afraid to. I never brought the word up. I thought if I didn’t, it would definitely decrease my chances of it and at least preserve my sanity.  But, suddenly people were coming forward bringing that word to me and I could not escape the thought.

in Infertility, PCOS

Good Mornin, Metformin

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So, it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to actually POST some tidbits here on the site.  And it is all your fault.  See, most of you follow The Egg on Facebook and we have such great conversations there, that by the time I get over here, I have nothing else to say because we’ve talked it to death over the course of a day!

But, getting back to what this site was created for, and beyond the “business” sides, I have to get my thoughts out once more.  And, even in the year 2012…some people don’t use Facebook.  I know, I know, perish the thought.  But it dawned on me that for those who don’t use Big Blue, there is little to no way of knowing what is going on right now with me if I don’t post it here.  So here I am.  Have a seat, let’s chat.

in Latest

BrokenBrownBelle: “The other side of my infertility” Part 2

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I thought the entire time, I would get pregnant and that this would all be over. No one warned me that this is not a fight for the weak and that it lasts a lifetime. I was never this tough.

If I knew then, what I know now, I might have never started this fight.  My story is just what I described in previous posts, and to be honest I’d spent too much money to quit. After breaking my flexible spending account in February of 2011, like a bad gambling habit I was too far gone. The former me could never inject herself in the stomach with anything, and would never have paid that much for an injection of anything.

Looking at my bank account and knowing I was down to my last $500 for this cause basically made me turn everything over to my faith.

in Latest

The Important Part is Past the Fear

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So, I was having a pretty rotten evening at work last night.  Not completely rotten, just one of those times where every parent that visited the library seemed to be one who just didn’t need to be a parent.  Yelling at their children, or just being verbally harsh.  Letting their toddlers play without supervision so they could troll Facebook.  Etc…You know, stupid crap.
I’m tired, irritable, and more than a bit ready to go home when one of our regular patrons, a young boy, comes in with his father.