Dear Toni, Towanda, Traci, Trina, and the “Diva That is She”, Tamar, LOL
I just watched the season finale of your reality show and was absolutely floored at the candor and gentleness with which your family responded after learning about the fertility issues Tamar and Vincent are facing. I applaud each of you for not making your baby sister feel uncomfortable. For taking her feelings and situation to heart and reacting with hope and love. You have NO idea how important that is to someone who is facing such an unexpected blow to their life plan. That meant the world.
Towanda, to offer your assistance as a gestational carrier for Tamar without hesitation, was such a selfless and loving act. I was also moved by your words that every woman should have the opportunity to become a mother if they desire. This very fundamental belief is one that many of us who deal with infertility have to fight to get across. That you GOT it, even as someone who is already a mother, meant more than I think you know. Finally, to say “YOU WILL”, when Tamar was saying “What if I can’t,” was PRICELESS and powerful. Thank you.
Tamar, first and foremost, as a reality star I’m sure you are no stranger to discussing personal issues in front of the world and are pretty used to being in a fishbowl, but I wanted to take this opportunity to say from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for taking the world into that fertility discussion with you. I am consistently floored by women and men in the African American community who are so very sure that our race isn’t a part of the 7.3 million people who are dealing with fertility issues. That being said, it was a powerful statement, even through your usual jokes and sarcasm, for people to see a young, African American couple dealing with fertility challenges.
Many people who watch or have seen parts of Braxton Family Values usually fall into the “Love Tamar” or “Hate Tamar” categories. I’m biased, because in my house, I’m the “EXTRA” person, who has always said things to people like “Get your life together”, and is quick to cover up my feelings with my dry wit, so I can relate to you. For that reason, I personally feel that if more people looked past your delivery into the feelings that are behind them, there would be far more in the love bracket. I watched the discussions between you and your sisters concerning your fears and thoughts about fertility treatments, and while you were blunt and at times a bit brash, what I saw was a young woman who was trying to figure out how to grasp the situation for herself and also how to explain that situation to the people she loved.
This emotional hurdle is one that many of us have to face. When that diagnosis comes down, and the road to parenthood seems much longer and rougher than we’d originally thought, we start to question if it is what we even want. Do I really want to be pregnant at all if its going to be this expensive/difficult/invasive? Do I want to gain that weight? Am I sure that I’m not just compensating for something that could be really solved by a good shopping trip or change of scenery?
The answer is usually yes. We want to be mothers. Which leads to another point of discomfort when we start to think beyond what we want, and start thinking about what those who love us, want for us. My mother would love a grandchild from me. My husband would love a child of our own. My sisters and brother would love a niece or nephew. How will I tell them that I may not be able to give them that?
So we cover it up with vague explanations and joking responses, and we talk about it in a “no big deal” tone, when it is really beating us up inside. I could be wrong, but that is what I saw as you talked to your family. I felt as though I’ve done that “yeah so I’m gonna have to do this other thing” conversation myself before, and my heart wanted to hug you. We do have to work on a little of your phrasing about certain fertility terms, LOL, but above all else I wish you and Vincent nothing but the very best, and pray that things work out in a way that best suits the two of you.
I was about to let this episode get past me without mentioning it here on The Egg, but I couldn’t. The vision and voice was too important. I sincerely thank each of you for being what you always are if nothing else, and that is honest.
P.S. I TOTALLY bought The Braxton’s CD TWICE back in the day, and still think “Where’s the Good in Goodbye” is a sleeper cut. Thanks for being a part of my high school soundtrack. LOL
P.P.S. Z-PHI Towanda and Traci!
What do you do when the person holding you back, is YOU? (more…)
I’m a gamer.
Have I told you guys that before?
If not, then let me say it proudly now. I am a gamer.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband playing too many video games. I’m the wife who complains because he’s hogging the Playstation when I want to get on.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband spending too much money at Gamestop. I’m the wife who’s upset she can’t buy more than two games at a time.
That being said, I’m also a librarian. So when I find a game that I like, I tend to overdose on it. I dissect it, pulling out parts that I can study and theorize. I go into game overload. LOL
This summer, one of those games was Portal 2.
A highly addictive puzzle game, Portal 2 became my LIFE for three weeks until I beat the game. The idea behind Portal is that a sadistic computer named GLADOS is making you complete these physically and mentally challenging trials all while promising that they are not intended to hurt you, and that at the end of it all, you’ll be given a celebration! With cake!
You’re to jump through hoops, dodge bullets, evade sentries and even cross fire, with the belief that there will be a cake party for you waiting at the end. I mean, who wouldn’t endure all for cake? Who wouldn’t continue to follow directions if they knew there was a chance for reward?
As the game progresses, however, you begin to find secret messages scrawled around the walls. They vary from ridiculous random words, to finally one sentence that stands out, “The Cake is a Lie.” At first, you’re so caught up in completing the puzzles, that you can’t understand what it means. Then it dawns on you.
The cake is a lie. This evil supercomputer has you risking your life…just for sport. She has no cake for you. You could die, trying to “win”, and it wouldn’t matter because there is no “winning”.
How many times have you had an “I did everything right” moment?
I’m on moment 21 of just this week.
I was upset about my health and my dreams, and feeling very much cheated.
Not that life isn’t pretty good on the whole. And not that God hasn’t blessed me with more than I’d imagined. No, the truth is that He has and it is.
What frustrates me to no end is the fact that those blessings are all happenstance for the most part.
“Go to school to get a good job”, isn’t quite as accurate these days.
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes babies”…we’ve learned is also equal to b.s. at times.
1+1 does not always equal 2.
The cake is a lie.
And it hurts.
And to tell the truth, I don’t think it hurts because we really wanted the promised results. I believe what hurts is feeling as though our control was false. Our power in the situation never really existed. I think we aren’t even mad that we were lied to, but because we believed so strongly that eventually we were lying to ourselves.
You can do everything “right”.
You can find the partner, fall in love, get married, buy the house, and still not have the home you imagined.
You can get the grades, get into the school, attain the degree, and still be on the unemployment line.
This is true.
And yes, it sucks.
You can also be in the wrong place at the right time and walk away with a friend you didn’t know you needed.
You can start a blog about your greatest pain and meet a horde of inspiring people you never would have known otherwise.
You can chart and plan, only to find that you were meant to be the adoptive parent some child needed.
You can get a life you never imagined, even when you don’t get the life you dreamed of.
The cake is a lie.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Grab a spoon. I’m hoping you get your slice real soon.
photo credit: savit keawtavee
I’ve decided to drink wine this evening.
Yellow Tail makes a charming Merlot. A Merlot that has helped a bit. I plan to be at ease by the time I reach the latter half of it. Today warranted that sort of planning.
You see, basically, I got the same “news” today that I’ve gotten before:
Say it with me now: “There is NOTHING gynecologically wrong.”
I’m not sure how many other women are sufferers of menorrhagia. I’m not sure how many other women hold this frustrating condition to themselves. Just about the only thing I am sure of is how much I hate it.
As open and honest as I am with most things on this blog, there are some parts that I just can’t formulate into words.
Let’s see, can I provide a visual?
This week, I am completely and totally floored by the amazing outreach initive of Redbook Magazine. Through partnerships with Resolve: The National Infertility Association and First Response, Redbook has launched a massive no-shame campaign entitled “The Truth About Trying“. From behind the scenes, I’ve known about this campaign for a couple months now, but even as I got excited and prepared for it, I had no idea how absolutely amazing this movement would really be.
If you haven’t seen it, let me explain a little about what it is. (more…)