I haven’t done one of these in a while, perhaps because everyone has been pretty darn quiet on the infertility front celeb-wise. But Dawn Robinson deserves a nod.
A few years back, I had the displeasure of sitting in a radiology waiting room with a 40 year old black woman who was being tested for fibroids. She had no idea what fibroids were. She was scared and alone, with a look on her face that said clearly how terrified she was about the x-ray itself, but also these tumors her doctor carelessly told her she may have. My heart broke for her, and for the countless others who had probably sat in the same seats, thinking those same terrifying thoughts.
So tonight, for Dawn to openly discuss her removed fibroids as well as the endometriosis she’d also been diagnosed with, was huge. But let’s not just stick with that. No. Dawn has done so very much in the past few weeks of R&B Divas L.A., with just her honesty and vulnerability, that I don’t know that I could have asked for a better spokesperson. (more…)
The past couple weeks have been interesting to say the least.
Since learning of my blocked and useless fallopian tubes, I went on to have the period from hell…Again. This time, our new record is off and on for upwards of 37 days.
After a pretty aggressive medication regimen, my doctor and I finally decided to pull out the heavy artillery and press the reset button by scheduling a D&C and hysteroscopy.
Cue “Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuun” sound effects.
Now, leading up to this surgery, I was in quite the peculiar and bitchtastic mood, let me tell you. Hopped up on hormone pills and whatnot is not the way to keep a mellow attitude. I fell into a deep dark hole called, “I’m sick of this shit.” You ever been there? I vacation there often, lately.
I didn’t want to post here.
I didn’t want to dream.
I didn’t want to write.
I didn’t want to do anything but go to work and come home…and they could spare me the work.
And that was hard for me because I’m a tenacious type of person. I don’t like being or feeling defeated. I don’t like feeling hopeless. But I certainly was.
So I spent a lot of evenings in my bedroom.
Laying against my pillow, cruising social media.
Thinking angry thoughts.
In the middle of my angst, however, I did spend a lot of time with one of my favorite social media addictions these days, the virtual pinboard, Pinterest.
Pinterest has a lot of uses. It can be a way to visually collect bookmarks. It can be a way for people to market their merchandise by baiting people to repin photos of it. It can be a lot of things, but what it has the greatest quality in, is creating vision boards.
It’s easy to get lost there for hours and see how other people have curated their dreams into these sprawling boards of hope and planning. People pin quotes, photos, plans, etc. I use my boards as something to look at, work on, believe in.
It was here that I regained my footing.
It is here that I want you to gain some of yours as well.
I want you to take a little time and come out of your shell. Take the opportunity to dream out loud, boldly and in full color. Let’s get creative.
What I’m proposing is that you use Pinterest to visually take a step out into the advocacy arena. Either for the infertility community as a whole, or just for yourself. From now until September 24th, I am asking all my Eggshells to join me in celebrating possibility.
Using Pinterest, I want you to create a one of two or both kinds of the following boards:
Advocacy Board: create a board that deals with Infertility Awareness, PCOS Awareness, or Adoption Awareness, etc. Pin articles, photos, or procedures that give the world a better view of what it is like to live this infertility life and of the conditions which have led you down this path.
Here’s Mine: “The Great IF: What It Looks, Feels, and Sounds like“
One Day Mom Board: Create a board for your future. Pin articles, photos, or ideas that you will use when you become a mom. Adoption maternity photo shoot ideas, Birth Announcements, Homemade Baby Food How-To’s. Whatever it is that you want to be or do as a mom, pin it.
Here’s Mine: “YeYo“
For an added plus, you can use the hashtag #BBEShellShocked on any pins that you want to be located through The Broken Brown Egg. I will have a link here on the site for people to catch up on our boards and any pins with that tag will pop up. Tell others, invite family and friends to view your board. Use it to come out of the infertility closet.
When I was at my lowest, I found it very hard to dream. Hope was at a small, small level in my heart. Dreaming, however, put me back on track to move forward. I want the same for you. And if we can enlighten the world to what WE go through at the same time, then all the better.
My pastor’s sermon this morning was bittersweet for me. It was titled “The nearest Exit May Be Behind You.” Well, doggone it. That’s true. Truer still for me today, on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week, when I’m actually feeling that sentiment. (more…)
I thought the entire time, I would get pregnant and that this would all be over. No one warned me that this is not a fight for the weak and that it lasts a lifetime. I was never this tough.
If I knew then, what I know now, I might have never started this fight. My story is just what I described in previous posts, and to be honest I’d spent too much money to quit. After breaking my flexible spending account in February of 2011, like a bad gambling habit I was too far gone. The former me could never inject herself in the stomach with anything, and would never have paid that much for an injection of anything.
Looking at my bank account and knowing I was down to my last $500 for this cause basically made me turn everything over to my faith. (more…)
Originally Published 12.31.10 @ 9:56am
Nia & Kuumba!
Kwanzaa day five(yesterday) was Nia, which means Purpose. As we walk the tightrope of fertility feelings, this is the thought that may become hardest to pinpoint. While I was totally perturbed yesterday when my server wouldn’t let me get my post out to you, as I thought about today’s principle, I realized that it was probably a divine,…well,… purpose, that may have led to that delay.
Today’s principle is Kuumba which means creativity. As I thought about the combination of Nia and Kuumba, I was stuck for a moment as I tried to think about how these two principles have affected my journey. I grasped the concept of Nia instantly because if there is anything that I have eventually come to terms with, it is my purpose in this journey. I have come to believe wholeheartedly that the reason for my issues with fertility, are rooted in my being here for you. I feel that I deal with this issue so that I can help you deal with yours. That thought gives me peace. (more…)
I’m a gamer.
Have I told you guys that before?
If not, then let me say it proudly now. I am a gamer.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband playing too many video games. I’m the wife who complains because he’s hogging the Playstation when I want to get on.
I’m not the wife who complains about her husband spending too much money at Gamestop. I’m the wife who’s upset she can’t buy more than two games at a time.
That being said, I’m also a librarian. So when I find a game that I like, I tend to overdose on it. I dissect it, pulling out parts that I can study and theorize. I go into game overload. LOL
This summer, one of those games was Portal 2.
A highly addictive puzzle game, Portal 2 became my LIFE for three weeks until I beat the game. The idea behind Portal is that a sadistic computer named GLADOS is making you complete these physically and mentally challenging trials all while promising that they are not intended to hurt you, and that at the end of it all, you’ll be given a celebration! With cake!
You’re to jump through hoops, dodge bullets, evade sentries and even cross fire, with the belief that there will be a cake party for you waiting at the end. I mean, who wouldn’t endure all for cake? Who wouldn’t continue to follow directions if they knew there was a chance for reward?
As the game progresses, however, you begin to find secret messages scrawled around the walls. They vary from ridiculous random words, to finally one sentence that stands out, “The Cake is a Lie.” At first, you’re so caught up in completing the puzzles, that you can’t understand what it means. Then it dawns on you.
The cake is a lie. This evil supercomputer has you risking your life…just for sport. She has no cake for you. You could die, trying to “win”, and it wouldn’t matter because there is no “winning”.
How many times have you had an “I did everything right” moment?
I’m on moment 21 of just this week.
I was upset about my health and my dreams, and feeling very much cheated.
Not that life isn’t pretty good on the whole. And not that God hasn’t blessed me with more than I’d imagined. No, the truth is that He has and it is.
What frustrates me to no end is the fact that those blessings are all happenstance for the most part.
“Go to school to get a good job”, isn’t quite as accurate these days.
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes babies”…we’ve learned is also equal to b.s. at times.
1+1 does not always equal 2.
The cake is a lie.
And it hurts.
And to tell the truth, I don’t think it hurts because we really wanted the promised results. I believe what hurts is feeling as though our control was false. Our power in the situation never really existed. I think we aren’t even mad that we were lied to, but because we believed so strongly that eventually we were lying to ourselves.
You can do everything “right”.
You can find the partner, fall in love, get married, buy the house, and still not have the home you imagined.
You can get the grades, get into the school, attain the degree, and still be on the unemployment line.
This is true.
And yes, it sucks.
You can also be in the wrong place at the right time and walk away with a friend you didn’t know you needed.
You can start a blog about your greatest pain and meet a horde of inspiring people you never would have known otherwise.
You can chart and plan, only to find that you were meant to be the adoptive parent some child needed.
You can get a life you never imagined, even when you don’t get the life you dreamed of.
The cake is a lie.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Grab a spoon. I’m hoping you get your slice real soon.
photo credit: savit keawtavee