I’m gonna say a shitload of things.
Now, before I start on them, I want you to remember these four words okay:
I’m Not Going Anywhere
No matter how it sounds.
No matter what you think I’m trying to say.
At the end of this post, I want you to go back and remind yourself that I already told you those four words.
Now, let’s talk.
1. This is some bull. I’m not a mom. I am an UNPAID foster-mother. I have taken care of an infant, who is 3 months and 3 weeks old as of today, for exactly 3 months and 2 weeks. I sing to her. I read to her. I talk to her. I love her. But I am not her mom.
2.I’m tired of infertility. I’m tired of talking about it. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m tired of thinking about my body in general. Screw motherhood. I just want to live. I just want to work my job, and come home, and play video games with my husband, and just live. I’m TIRED of thinking about this.
3. I am tired of being diplomatic. In the past 3 months and 2 weeks, I have also worked a full time job, held organizational offices, kept a household, and just lived in general. All while dealing with an inconsiderate and unappreciative birthmother and her supporting cast, maintaining my mental stability, and smiled at people. In the course of these months, I’ve so very much wanted to cuss not one, not two, but a FEW folk smoove out. Folk who not only deserved it, but seemingly have begged me for it. But I haven’t. I’ve been gracious and diplomatic, and at every turn these mofos continue to bring me new bs.
4. I don’t want to be this person. My nerves are shot. I feel like when I start to talk about ME, which is what this blog is supposed to do, I can’t imagine myself saying anything gratifying. And while I know that is what some folk do need to hear from me,I can’t help but feel like that isn’t what this site is for. I want to inspire, and advocate, and encourage. And I feel that through this blog, I’m not able to do that right now. Primarily due to the three points above.
BUT, there is another side.
1. Last week, I launched the Broken Brown Egg’s new Microblog “Infertilifeelings”. This more digestible site is not just mine, but belongs to ALL of us battling infertility and its crazy emotional rollercoaster. 50% (or more) of the microblog is anonymous submissions. I am in love with it. BE A PART OF IT, won’t you?
2. I’m looking to do some HUGE things in advocacy under the banner of The Egg. I’ve made some calls (emails cause I don’t really do calls), and am planning some major game-changers. Advocacy is what propelled me to start blogging in the first place. Not just to write about me, but to get other people talking. I think these plans will help me get back to that.
3. I have launched a secret Facebook group for those loving BBE supporters I call my Eggshells. To join, people have to send me a request via the Egg’s Facebook page. The group cannot be searched and does not show up on member profiles. The Shellshocked support group has now reached over 103 women. We have nursed one another through pregnancies, bedrests, failed adoptions, births, miscarriages, etc. My mantra of telling you that you are not alone…has manifested.
4. This little girl is awesome. I can’t talk much, or rather I have chosen to wait until the final determinations of what is going to happen with her and us, before I talk about it. She is amazing, and perfect and sweet, and bossy and silly, and gorgeous, and quiet, and loud, and a joy. The adults surrounding her… I plead the fifth. I have learned a lot, and also proven to myself what I already knew. And when I am just in the moment, and not thinking about “how it will all turn out”, I like who I am with her. That has motivated me to compile those thoughts into a new blog so that I can get the thoughts out of my head.
When I combine all those reasons, and a few more, I have to admit that my mind is not where this blog once was. So I’m quiet because I feel like right now, I am serving BEST via social media. By cheering you on. By giving you encouragement. By listening and posting YOUR thoughts. By working behind the scenes.
So for now, that’s where I’ll be.
Now. Go back to the top of this post.
Remember those four words.
I meant them.
Now visit some of the links in this post and watch me prove it.