Hiding in Plain Sight

Long time no blog.

I know. *slaps own hand*  “Bad Blogger!”  But come on in, have a seat…

If you hang with me on Facebook and Twitter, then you know I haven’t really left, but that I’ve just been extremely more quiet about what is going on inside my own journey.    There’s good reason, I promise.  

The primary one being:

I was depressing myself!  And scared that I’d start depressing you too!

So I pulled back, decided to focus on advocacy rather than self, and let myself get buried underneath so much work that I didn’t have time to feel as bad for myself.

After the D&C, and the other procedures, I really lost a lot of my fight.  I got extremely tired of it always being a door after each door.  Take this test, now try this pill, then use this technique, now hold your breath, and don’t forget to keep a good attitude!  So I stopped.  EVERYTHING.

But I knew I couldn’t stop forever, so in November, I decided that I would set a goal for myself.  You’d think by now, that I’d learn to stop giving my body ultimatums, but apparently I’m hardheaded and can’t be trusted.  So I told myself that I had until Mother’s Day 2013 to be officially headed into motherhood.  Be that pregnant, in treatment, or in adoption classes, I gave myself until Mother’s Day.  I was determined to NOT spend another Mother’s Day of people sending me “But you’re a great GODmother” messages, or “You’ll be a great mother one day” texts.  I was going to get to that finish line, or at least see it in my windshield.

So imagine my surprise when my husband told me that he’d been contacted by a close family friend about adopting a baby which was due in February.  At first I balked.  That was like three months away!  And I have always had my reservations about adoption anyway.  People can change their minds, it could cost too much, and open adoption gave me the willies.

But as we thought about it more, we decided we wouldn’t rule it out.  Instead, we went on with our lives for a couple months because we didn’t hear anything else about it.  Then close to the end of January, we got a call again, asking  if we’d be willing to step in.  We prayed about it, talked to an adoption attorney, and decided that if this was how God was choosing to fulfill my Mother’s Day ultimatum, then we’d at least trust Him enough to see where it all went.

So very quietly, for the past few weeks, I’ve been navigating the land of adoption.  It has been one of the most frightening, upsetting, exhilarating, and confusing situations I’ve ever found myself in.  I am emotionally exhausted.

So have we adopted?

No.

The birthmom changed her mind in the eleventh hour, which happens more often than one might think.   And as much as I’d prepared myself for that possibility in my mind, I cannot pretend that it did not rock my entire existence.  For God to allow me to see that finish line I was going on and on about, and then to pull it away, I felt betrayed.  I felt like God knew how badly I needed something good.  He knew how depressed I was.  He knew I wanted this more than anything, and He still allowed it to fail.   I was devastated.

Still am, sometimes.

Most who know me, know that I am a social media fanatic.  (in a good way if that’s possible)  It is a rare day that you won’t see me on Facebook, Pinterest, or some other clickplace.  But I shut everything down.  I watched the entire 11 seasons of Frasier on Netflix, and played over 1000 games of FreeCell Solitaire.  I was ANGRY, do you hear me?!  PISSED to the highest level of pisstivity!  And utterly sad.

I thought I was done.  I thought I was finally going to chuck infertility the deuces and laugh in its face.  I thought I wouldn’t have to think about IVF for a year, and I’d instead be able to move at a comfortable pace.   And I was wrong.

And I don’t like being wrong.  About anything.  I broke.  At one point, I even let the words come out of my mouth that  I was finished.  If trying to do something as “simple” as being a parent was going to take all this b.s., then never mind.  I could use my money on manicures and day spas or something.  Maybe I was destined to always be the aunt and the godmother who takes everyone else’s children to the museums and zoos.

And in the meantime, I was seeing so many people talk about me being mentioned in Essence.  And so many more people were coming to The Egg on Facebook.  And I started to think that maybe God was telling me that I am supposed to help everyone else…and not get success for myself.

And I think that those thoughts hurt more than the actual situation.

But I don’t lie to you.

When I post on Facebook that you should Keep Going, and that I’m Behind You…that is real talk.  When I say Don’t Give Up,  I’m talking to both of us.   I’m super sad…but I’ve decided that my goal is to not decide I’ve had enough, until I’m certain I’ve done enough.

And for me personally, I had to realize that God doesn’t work that way.  He doesn’t bait me.  He doesn’t hold things at an arm’s length to tease me or torment me.  He is in the midst even when I feel so very alone.  And I have to trust Him although I have absolutely no idea why or what He’s doing when He’s doing it.

AND, I have awesome friends and family who have checked on me, and encouraged me, and cussed for me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Now for the twist:

So in the meantime, though we aren’t in an adoption process, my husband and I are caring for a newborn anyway while the birthmom gets some solid footing.  We’re opening our home and our hearts to stand in the gap for someone who wants what we want essentially; to give this child a mother.  Now whatever happens from here, I have no clue, and I’m done trying to figure it out.  We are going to proceed with our plans to pursue IVF, and just see what happens.

So there’s the gist of where I’ve been.  I’ll try and post more detailed accounts of specific things we’ve encountered during these past couple months, but for now, I just wanted you to know that I am moving, albeit slowly and silently.  I’ve decided that I’m going to KEEP moving.  I hope you’ll decide that too.

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13 Comments on Hiding in Plain Sight

  1. Valerie S
    March 2, 2013 at 2:23 pm (5 years ago)

    You once again spoke for me through you blog. <> 2013!!!

    Reply
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      Mrs.Tiye
      March 20, 2013 at 12:14 pm (5 years ago)

      Val…you KNOW.

      Reply
  2. mamanas
    March 3, 2013 at 9:32 am (5 years ago)

    I am glad to hear you are moving a timeline or “to-do” list for yourself. We have did this as well and are moving forward to using donor egg which has a high rate of success. I am not sure how many AA have considered using DE, but we will be going out of the country which is less expensive and highly successful. I’ll keep you posted and would love to hear from other’s who have moved on to using DE.

    Reply
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      Mrs.Tiye
      March 20, 2013 at 12:14 pm (5 years ago)

      I’m actually hearing more about AA’s choosing to use donor eggs! Please do come back and share, or post us something on FB. Good luck to you!!

      Reply
  3. jacpin2002
    March 4, 2013 at 11:57 am (5 years ago)

    I stumbled upon this blog and I would like to say thanks. I have been feeling the same way and have become somewhat of a spokesperson for infertility in my area. So, many women ask me how to I go on. I just say that I believe it will happen. I have tried micro-IVF, which the cycle got canceled. I then went through conventional IVF and had OHSS. I had to wait to have an FET done. 1st one was 9/2012 and it was not successful. 2nd one was 11/2012 and I became pregnant. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 9 weeks.

    My husband and I are going to wait until May to try again. So, I am right there with you on the Mother’s Day timeline. Part of my problem is that my fertility probably could have been saved, if I was more educated and maybe my doctors at the time. Having multiple ectopics, may have been prevented. Now without any tubes, I have no choice but to do IVF or surrogacv.

    Reply
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      Mrs.Tiye
      March 20, 2013 at 12:19 pm (5 years ago)

      I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. *Big Huge Hug*
      I wish you MUCH success on your next round of IVF, and I applaud your positive outlook. Belief is the WHOLE battle.

      Reply
  4. Julie J
    March 18, 2013 at 5:26 am (5 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing your story with honesty . It always makes me feel better when people tell it like it is instead of putting a sugar coating on things. Feelings are feelings and make us who we are. I hope your journey is a little easier from here on in.
    Julie J recently posted..Can Pregnancy Miracle Really Help You Get Pregnant? An Indepth Review

    Reply
    • Profile photo of Mrs.Tiye
      Mrs.Tiye
      March 20, 2013 at 12:16 pm (5 years ago)

      Julie that’s just how I operate. If I keep everything in my head, I implode, so I don’t know any other way but to just tell it like it is. You are absolutely correct about our feelings making us who we are! Denying them is denying a part of ourselves and blocking breakthroughs.
      From your keyboard to God’s ears I hope!

      Reply
  5. chichi
    March 18, 2013 at 8:29 pm (5 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing and creating this blog site. I feel a little less alone. I too feel like maybe I’m just meant to be the aunt or godmother and care for other people’s children, and if that’s the case I wish this desire to be a mom would leave me for good, it’s like torture. My husband and I have been trying for over 10 years and nothing, now in my early 40’s I guess I need to give it up

    Reply
    • Profile photo of Mrs.Tiye
      Mrs.Tiye
      March 20, 2013 at 12:18 pm (5 years ago)

      Who said you had to give up in your 40’s?
      I say all the time, it’s okay to decide you’ve had enough and want to stop. It is NOT okay to QUIT.
      Don’t let go of your dream until YOU feel it’s time.
      And there’s 7.3 million folk fighting this fight with us…you are NEVER alone.
      *BIG HUGE HUG*

      Reply
    • lisha epperson
      May 20, 2013 at 9:41 pm (5 years ago)

      your 40’s are not the cutoff point for miracles…keep your faith up. Like Regina said, if you choose to end your journey that’s fine but don’t give up because of your age. I gave birth to my 4th and ONLY biological child just 4 months before turning 45. blessings to you..
      lisha epperson recently posted..Comment on Five Minute Friday : Song by lisha epperson

      Reply
  6. lisha epperson
    May 20, 2013 at 9:46 pm (5 years ago)

    blessings to you as you love on this baby…it must feel magical and heart wrenching at the same time. praying Gods best for this little life and looking forward to the good to come. still believing, hoping, praying…I know your story isn’t over.
    lisha epperson recently posted..Comment on Five Minute Friday : Song by lisha epperson

    Reply

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