BrokenBrownBelle: “The other side of my infertility” Part 4
Apologies for the delay, but even a year later, this post seems to be RIGHT on time.
The final installment of BrokenBrownBelle’s journey to her daughter, Buttercup.
There is no story of morning sickness. There was none. There really isn’t much else that did happen during the last trimester or so. Unless of course you count the 115 heat index days that I endured the majority of my second trimester and I would still say I was blessed! Practically every story I read about infertility before mine involved a miscarry or 2. I could take at least 150 degree heat index before I complain. When I come home and get comfortable, I do kinda moan and groan to my husband about her sitting on my lungs or being a heavy little thing, but all things considered that is still nothing. Being infertile has made me realize that people are going through way more challenging things than this. I refuse to publicly complain. But, I will say that I had my fair share of stress.
Stress is a very real factor in pregnancies and I found out when I lost my sister in law. A few days after her wedding in Key West she was killed in a tragic car accident. I was grieving that my sweet baby lost her only aunt, as I am an only child, and so was she. The more upset I got for her the longer she just sat there in one spot. She sat saddened about the loss of her aunt for two days. I am convinced that she knew and the thought still makes me sad for her and I can feel her stiffen up. But, yet again little buttercup is still making it, still taking strides and I am still proud of her!
To sum it all up, I said all that…went into all that detail to say we never know what another person is going through. We use things like public social networking sites to boast of our conquests and to share birth announcements. We ask single people at family dinners “when they will marry” and we challenge the married couples we know to get started making a family every chance we get. But, what if we are trying to make a family, and you just don’t know that? Behind closed doors women, men, husbands, wives, and families are suffering through situations just like infertility everyday.
We should proceed with caution and be sensitive to our friends and loved ones. Right this second you know a woman that wishes her daughter in law would conceive and make her a grandmother, she’s just not saying anything. There is a husband that cannot take another second of this process and wife that can’t bring herself to tell him the bad news… again. Our sisters are struggling with miscarriage and reading through our social networking conquests and birth announcements. Worse, some of our peers actually come face to face with total rudeness from family and friends. It’s not that we are not happy for you. It’s just that like all wounds, infertility is a sensitive subject that often takes time to heal and is sometimes done in private. Well, more times than not done in private.
If I learned anything from this it is: To respect my body, always have faith and people are dealing with things we just don’t have the capacity to deal with if we knew. Infertility never goes away. When I deliver this baby will the issues with my reproductive system heal themselves? Will she be an only child? Should I just quit now, and have everything removed after delivery? Will she suffer through infertility herself? Did I give her my infertility, like a cold? Is there a way to get to truly the other side of infertility?
For my sisters who are and have suffered loss after loss and my loved ones that continue to face disappointment and rejection every 28 days I want to say that I will never ever, ever, forget you. I will never stop praying for you and for your relationships. I will continue to remember your families that support you in this situation as well along with the people that love you through these difficult days and nights. Just keep trying. I will never forget what it is like to put activities on hold to afford next months treatments and I want to say that yes it is all worth it. Never give up on the quest to find the perfect fitting Dr. Ask all the questions in the world and don’t be afraid to spend your last appointed dollar.
Sisters, find a way to encourage yourself and remember God has a plan. You might not understand it and the drive to the place of plan might suck but if you trust him I promise it will all be worth it in the end. One more thing, find a way to relax. Take some deep breaths and relax it is the best thing we can do for infertility. I love you all. And I will make sure my daughter never forgets where we have come from. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29: 11
Today is January 10th, and my daughter is now 5 1/2 weeks old. When I started this post I was about 33 weeks pregnant. Now, that I watch her sleeping I have a whole host of new questions about my infertility. The first thing I thought when my water broke was, “OMG this is real”. It was 4:05 am on December 3, 2011, and it was very real. I think after all this time, I felt like infertility was simply playing a cruel joke on me, and for moments out of each day I was humbled and didn’t want to believe this great thing of carrying my own child was actually happening to…well… little me. That saddens me as I type it. That something so wonderful could be happening inside a woman, and that because of hardships and complications she might still be afraid to accept the wonderful. But I was, and I’m certain I’m not alone.
A bunch of times I felt guilty. I never wanted to question God, but if I did, I would ask, “how did you choose me out of the millions of people who suffer with infertility”? And other times, I was so overwhelmed with gratefulness I literally cried all day. Most of the time all I could do was praise God and cry, thinking about how far we’d come. I know everyone says this, but she is the light of my life here on Earth. I am so glad that I had her, and even grateful for the way I had her. I would not trade one second of my struggle for an easier conception. Not one! I know every couple loves and adores their newborn, but for us we couldn’t be more in love with her. I don’t pretend to know what God is doing in the lives of anybody. I have a bible, just like everybody else, and I am not afraid to use it. All I know is what it tells me, and that is it. But, I swear I have thought or dreamed that there is no appreciation for life, like when an infertile woman gives birth.That’s all I got, because everyone I know, knows she is spoiled rotten, super smart, fashionable, and adorable, Just like every other baby God makes. All I can say about her is that we love her to LIFE, and that she was so worth it, so worth it! Even if you never reach the other side of your infertility, don’t give up! He or she is so worth it, but you already knew that…and that is why you do it everyday. Press on!
Broken Brown Belle, guest author of The Egg, is a spicy southern belle currently living in Shreveport, LA., that started her fertility journey about 2 years ago. Through money, marriage, men, babies, health, spirituality, culture, socio-economic status, friends, co-workers, and life ahead of her, she is taking it one step at a time. “Belle” invites her readers to join her exploration, as she seeks answers about the infertility plaguing her eight year marriage.