The King and I

I’m frustrated today.

But somehow at some form of peace.

Maybe it’s one of those levels of grief people are always talking about.

Maybe not.

My follow-up appointment for the hysteroscopy was yesterday morning.  I waited it out!  I behaved like a good girl and didn’t flip out and call the nurses anymore.  I just waited out those five days and bought that next two boxes of Always.

I knew that if had been something serious they’d found, they would had to have called me sooner, but somehow my mind just kept saying that they’d return with something god-awful, and that I should be terrified.   Around Tuesday, I was kind of freaked out, but for the most part, I kept it to myself.  By the time Thursday came around, I was financially, emotionally, and mentally broken, but I got up and went anyway.  There would be answers!  There would be direction!  There would be something drastic!

There was none of these things. LOL

In my gyne office, I am a medical anomaly.  This rebellious uterus of mine was cause for great head scratches and squinted “you’ve gotta be kidding me”, facial expressions.  From the results of my tests, there is once again “nothing gynecologically wrong” with me to be causing this newset bout of menorrhagia.  No cancer, no fibroids, no polyps, no infections, no nothing.  That being said, she did speak in great grotesque detail about the amount of lining she’d had to remove, and the size of the pieces removed (think small kiwi fruit.  right, I know, tmi).  But aside from learning that my body basically stockpiles lining like its waiting on Y2K, I left with the same information I’d had going in.

I’m just numb at this point.  And cold (can someone say “Anemia”).  I was flustered, but not really angry.  I just got in my car and went around the corner to work.

And that’s pretty much still where I am today.

Sigh.

Many times I’ve gotten private messages from those who wonder if I personally have a spiritual take on my own situation.   They ask me if I have a relationship with God.  I do.

I don’t post much spiritual word on this blog, or on the Facebook page for a few reasons.  First, I don’t want to ostracize anyone who believes differently than I do, who may still need the support this place provides.   Secondly, I would like to refrain from being anyone’s spiritual or religious spokesperson, because sometimes, when I’m really struggling, I may not say what a church girl should, and that freedom to feel, is a huge part of what this site is built on.

BUT, just to quell the curiosity, He(God) and I have wrestled with this things for a while.  Close to eight years with the irregular bleeding, and close to six with the infertility.  I’ve had seasons of silently trying to hear and follow His will, and others of being quite angry with Him.  Today, I’m just listening.

But because the question has been posed so often, I wonder if that conversation is one we should be having, Eggshells. How has your faith been tested? How have you overcome? HAVE you overcome?

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2 Comments on The King and I

  1. Jonelle
    September 7, 2012 at 10:14 pm (5 years ago)

    I wonder if that conversation is one we should be having, Eggshells. How has your faith been tested? How have you overcome? HAVE you overcome?

    Hi, found you through Keiko’s site.

    First of all, I’m sorry the news of your hysteroscopy did not bring about any closure for you. Its frustrating when things aren’t happening the way they should be, and especially when the tests to see what is happening do not bring about the answers they should.

    I know with this journey my faith has been tested in a many ways; and because of that, I’ve had to reevaluate where to put my faith in: God or the outcome. I’ve learned that I can’t put my faith in the outcome, because outcomes fail, they change over time. I must put my faith in God, and by putting my faith in God, I have to believe that whatever happens, whether we are matched thru DIA, or end up living childfree, that I will be okay.

    In the midst of all of this, there are many times when I feel abandoned in the desert while all our friends around us have already found their oasis. Like you, I’m angry, and in that anger it’s hard to be close to God. It’s hard to see his blessings when I’m so sad. It’s hard to hear His voice, when all I can hear is silence.

    My husband said something this evening, “We don’t exist to be the center of God’s attention. We exist so He can be the center of our attention, but it’s hard to have Him be that, when all you feel is abandoned in the desert.”

    I don’t think I have overcome. I still feel like I’m in the middle of a season, and I don’t know when or how this season will end.

    Thanks for making me think about these things.

    Jonelle
    Jonelle recently posted..Awkward Moments Strike Again

    Reply
  2. cat
    September 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm (5 years ago)

    Wow…thanks Jonelle for your comments…I am also a woman of faith and it’s hard to hold on to it when you feel it not happening on our time. I feel alone and I feel like I had done something to this world that I am reaping the payback in a horrible way. I have to remind myself things happen and it suppose to make your strong but I just feel broken….it’s hard to pray sometimes because you feel like GOD is not hearing my prayers…it an emotionally process…..

    Reply

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