BrokenBrownBelle: “The other side of my infertility” Part 2

I thought the entire time, I would get pregnant and that this would all be over. No one warned me that this is not a fight for the weak and that it lasts a lifetime. I was never this tough.

If I knew then, what I know now, I might have never started this fight.  My story is just what I described in previous posts, and to be honest I’d spent too much money to quit. After breaking my flexible spending account in February of 2011, like a bad gambling habit I was too far gone. The former me could never inject herself in the stomach with anything, and would never have paid that much for an injection of anything.

Looking at my bank account and knowing I was down to my last $500 for this cause basically made me turn everything over to my faith.

I begged my doctor for anything but the injections. I thought “Surely, this is not God’s plan for me…he knows me, and knows that I cannot take this needle to myself”. I felt like I had already done all I could do.  I thought to myself “My husband is a student & I have already given up my apartment for this.” “Can I afford this?” There is nothing left.

I was afraid to trust that these prescribed injections could possibly work. When the specialty pharmacy called and gave me the total for the injections, it was nearly $100 shy of everything left in my FSA.  The package came to my office the next day and I was still petrified.

Everything in the world of infertility revolves around 28 days, for obvious reasons.  There was no turning back and no refunds on these shots and it is made quite clear before your purchase is completed.  Once you signed for them, you had to use them and there were no days left, in the 28 day cycle, to change your mind. The window was closed. I don’t remember what day I started them, although I want to say it was day 13ish.  Anyway, there is no day 14 option.

When you start infertility you are a novice but by the time you get to this point, you know that things happen internally, with your reproductive system, on each one of  those certain numbered days, even if you feel normal and fine. Something inside you is working everyday to make you a parent, even if you can’t tell.  It’s not as simple as menstruation every 28 days.

Days 1-27 are the most important in the fertility process. So, when you get instructions to move on day 14, you gotta move. Well, it’s day 14 and it’s go time. I say a huge prayer, tear up and decide I can’t do it. I am standing in my kitchen with a whole kit laid out in front of me and I freeze up. I get my husband to come in and do it for me, right before he leaves for work. Yet another window of opportunity closing right in front of me due to severe procrastination.  He sticks the needle in and I realize I can do it and I want to do it. So, I kick him out and do it myself, I need to do this for myself.

This whole process takes me over an hour.

Now, let’s be honest, you have never seen your doctor take an hour to give you a shot of anything. My nerves were shot and I was a petrified mess.

The next night it gets easier.

By the 7th night, I was done in 10 minutes with the whole thing.  I gained so much strength in that process and I am so grateful I went through with it!  I conquered my fear of needles and my wimpy little challenged faith grew so huge that my daughter was conceived as a result.  I never will forget the second she was conceived (yes I knew to the second) nor the day I found out.  I actually ended up testing a day before my doctor’s recommendation and was elated to find a positive result!

But truth be told I was just getting warmed up for the real infertility journey.

The courage was soo worth it!

I am SO proud of Mimi aka Belle.  I appreciate her sharing her story with us because for so many of us fear is something we just don’t want to admit.  But as you can see from the above pic, when you get past that fear…it is SO worth it.  

Stay tuned for Part 3 to meet Mini-MiMi!!

ShareEmail this to someoneShare on FacebookShare on TumblrTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUpon

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment *






CommentLuv badge