So, when I originally became a member of the embattled, tough girls of infertility lifestyle, I thought the best way to make myself strong, was to completely act un-phased by things that were the cliche and highly stereotypical discomforts for infertile women. People assume that we are all textbook cases of teen -pregnancy haters, bitter stepmothers, and weepy weak women who can’t bare to lay eyes on children until they have their own. I was so busy avoiding becoming that woman, that I totally have been blindsided by my newest archnemesis: “Crazy with Anticipation Paranoia Chick”
Seriously, if you haven’t met or become her, consider yourself lucky.
CrazyWithAnticipationParanoiaChick is a dangerous enemy. She’s returned to living in my house for a month now. LOL Basically this comes as a result of things falling into place. I’ve ordered all my records and am now the proud owner of my own medical history. I then scheduled THREE doctors appointments in rapid succession with new docs and specialists to combat the thyroid, *alleged PCOS, and a possible return to Clomid. We’re all settled up with the health insurance on my end as well as Dude’s. Everything is (so far) coming up roses.
Which has me in total paranoid mode.
Repeat after me: The Paranoia Will Destroy Ya!
And when I get scared, I get an attitude.
And when I get an attitude, the Dude and I are not cool peeps.
Today, I kid you not, we beefed for forty minutes about a tire, a trunk and a choir rehearsal.
When the argument reached “I just don’t want to talk to you anymore today” levels, I KNEW CrazyWithAnticipationParanoia chick had been in my house! She had infiltrated my defenses somehow. She had made me feel so nervous about my progress that I had lost all sense of peace. Bouncing off the walls is probably the best way to describe what my feelings have been doing for the past two weeks. I’m not angry, or sad, or scared, I’m ALL emotions.
Which also made me think, if CrazyWithAnticipationParanoiaChick could get in this easily with NO help,…a Clomid prescription could very well give her the keys to the kingdom.
Be afraid, children.
Do you have a CrazyWithAnticipationParanoiaChick? How do you fight her?
In other news, during my most recent return to my gyno, she stressed that she is completely against the idea that there is any form of PCOS present in my body. This would make misdiagnosis #…..?…I don’t know, I’ve lost count at this point. People get HIV results faster than I’ve gotten a clear understanding of what the hell goes on with my body in the past 16 years.
Although, a positive from our visit was that although she didn’t agree about the former PCOS diagnosis, she also didn’t hesitate to write up the order for a NEW ultrasound to check for cysts or fibroids. I have to admit, sometimes I’m almost hoping they find things just so that there’s something I can FIX. It’s almost more painful when people tell you, “No, you’re perfectly fine. You just don’t reproduce.”
Which brings me back to CrazyWithAnticipationParanoiaChick, I’m on edge because I feel somehow closer to answers this time. I feel like what I’ve learned about taking charge of my health from writing this blog, and interacting wit so many other dynamic and powerful fertility fighters, that I am really in a good place now. And the idea of it all finally working somehow, after five years of stalemate, and 16 years of ridiculously battling my own body,…scares the hell out of me and makes me just a teeny bit unstable.
But I’ll tell you this…as terrified as I may be,…I refuse to stop moving forward. And you shouldn’t either. If you do have a CrazyWithAnticipationParanoiaChick living with you…kick that broad in the teeth and keep it moving.
Regina Townsend is the primary author and founder of TheBrokenBrownEgg. A librarian and writer, Regina’s mission is to make people aware and active about the unique concerns of reproductive health in the minority community.