Okay, so I had a lot to say, but in rare form, I didn’t have the words to get them out.
I wanted this blog to be more about information and support than anything else, but I’ve felt the urge to ease it into some other directions. I will try my damnedest to stay on topic…but everything is everything so I have to get all this shit out. Please excuse my verbal diarhea.
I’m blown. Not like a little miffed, but seriously blown. I feel like one thing is what I should be focusing on, but then life blows in with an entirely different breeze. For a few days I was in the angry infertile chick realm…then I wandered into just really sad, and now I’m in this strange haze of indifference and cloudy optimism. Its like I think there’s a ground here to step out on, but I can’t see it at all, and I’ve already let my foot down pretty damn far.
I believe that this part of my life is actually very much opening my eyes to the amount of complacency I’ve been guilty of. In so many areas of my life, I’ve let fear and comfort get in the way of what is right or even what I feel I should talk smack about! This is so not me. This is so not my style. The old me would have told quite a few of these folk to get a scholarship to hell and leave me alone, but instead, I’ve been so caught up in maintaining this farce of success that I’ve let menial things and PEOPLE stop me from doing and saying what I know to be more my speed.
I’ve let this seep into my confidence about everything, including family planning. I’d have questions I want to ask my doctor, but tell myself, “shutup, he has other patients, just get your prescription and go”. I’ve had times at work where I’ve wanted to shout from the P.A. system, “THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT”, but instead, I smile and accept responsibilities which aren’t my own and try not to complain. There is a fine line between being a good patient and team-work-driven employee, and just being a pushover. I’ve been a pushover.
I’m really sick of being one.
I have struggled with these thoughts for the past few weeks that it has seemed like I’ve left you. But aren’t you lucky? That little break has given me an enormous amout to talk to you about this evenin.
My facebook status today is, “
It was when I remembered myself and asked why I was not doing what once was like breathing, that I realized how much I’ve stifled myself….with complacency.”
And this is true. I was journaling the other day and found myself writing one line, “Why don’t I write anymore?”. When I sat and stared at the sentence, it caught me up for a moment because it was a damn good question. I have been writing, stories, poems, fiction, articles, you name it, since I learned how to form sentences…writing for me has always been breath. But somehow, I’ve lost the time to even breathe.
But, if you walk into a jail cell and slam the door on yourself , its hard to feel confident about snapping off, because its YOUR fault. You did this to yourself. You let that doctor tell you that the new experimental procedure wasn’t a good fit for you, without telling him you’ve researched it yourself. You allowed that boss to limit your pay and potential. But at a certain point, you have to forgive yourself and let it be known, “I apologize for misleading this situation, but its time for me to change it now.”
I’m apologizing to my readers, for my couple-week hiatus…I will do better, I got you.
But most importantly, I’m apologizing to ME, because I’ve taken a much lengthier break from being her, and I promise HER, I will not let HER life belong to other people, fear, or complacency, any more.
Regina Townsend is the primary author and founder of TheBrokenBrownEgg. A librarian and writer, Regina’s mission is to make people aware and active about the unique concerns of reproductive health in the minority community.